If You're Not The One
by GirlWednesday
Summary: "Since when has falling in love with my wife been a bad thing?" Rated T, For drug use.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi all after writing a one shot for these two, I thought I would try my hand at something longer.**

**I got inspiration for this off a you tube clip if you want to watch it, Just type in:**

**You tube casualty Dixie and Jeff Life Sentence.**

**It's short at three minutes long but I thought it gave off a very strong impression that Jeff was falling for Dixie.**

Jeff Collier jogged steadily next to his golden retriever, it was seven in the morning and he and Little Abs were out in the woods for an early morning walk. Little Abs had been in a playful mood that morning, Dixie and Jeff had worked a gruelling night shift and he had missed their company.

"C'mon Abs, slow down mate." He reasoned with the dog as he tightened his grip on the leash.

Obediently he came to a stop, before sitting up and staring at Jeff with his big puppy eyes, wagging his tail as he did so.

Jeff let out loud yawn and rubbed his eyes, the late shift had been a tough one however, he always found it went a lot quicker with Dixie by his side.

Dixie and Jeff had formulated a system for the night shift, when they got home in the morning they would take it in turns to walk Little Abs whilst the other one got in a few hours sleep. Jeff found this wasn't often or at all the case, he would always end up volunteering to take the dog in her place.

"The things I do for her." He thought aloud as he patted Little Abs, who at this stage was tugging at the lead eager to move onwards.

He enjoyed the route he walked each day, it gave him time to think. Jeff had come to realise over recent weeks, that the reason he was only too happy to walk the dog was because it was easier than staying at home awaiting Dixie's return. Sleep would seem impossible for him when he knew she was out there without him and it worried him that he wouldn't be there to protect her, should anything happen.

Well that's what he told himself anyway.

He knew all too well that Dixie could look after herself, he couldn't take all the hopeful feelings he had when she was out. He would lie awake in bed, he would be exhausted yet unable to fall asleep. The sound of the door would open and he would listen to her crash about in the kitchen before charging up the stairs and each time he would hold his breath and hope that she would come into his room and cuddle up beside him, like proper married couples did.

She never did though. Each time she would tiptoe across the landing, thinking he was asleep and he would hear her bedroom door open before closing shut once more.

He never felt that way about his first wife. He loved Lucy but it was nothing compared to what he now felt for Dixie. Sometimes he wished he had never met her, it seemed it was a cruel twist of fate that the one woman who was so perfect for him, had to be a lesbian.

He could still remember the conversation he had with her before they got married he still remembered it word for word, like a tape recorder of the mind that was stuck on repeat.

_Flashback_

_She had come up to him a smile across her face and had presented him with the question,_

"_Aren't you going to ask properly?"_

"_Ay?" He had asked confused by her humour._

"_Well a gentleman is meant to propose, on your knee's Jeffrey."_

"_You gotta be joking, aint you?"_

_The smiled each other before relaxing into a laugh, he had never thought of her as anything more than a friend in the past, of course she was a no go she wasn't even straight,t but something had changed there and then._

_The she asked him the question that he without hesitation knew the answer to._

"_What made you change your mind?"_

"_Oh I dunno, I had nothing else line up." He shrugged, careful not to reveal the true extent of his feelings._

"_Oh careful sweetheart you're going to sweep me off my feet here." She replied in a sarcastic tone._

"_No, I can't actually think of anyone else I'd rather spend the next forty years with." He answered his tone changing to one of seriousness._

_She smiled before wordlessly looking down at the ground, he had hoped she would tell him she felt the same and she wanted to marry him because she loved him and it wasn't just for her dad's sake, but she didn't she turned it around and made it a joke._

"_Forty? You'll be lucky with my cooking." _

"_Yeah you've got a point there." He replied, knowing that that was the best he was probably going to get._

Little Abs started tugging at the lead once more bringing him around from his trance like state.

"Alright, let's get you home." He sighed as he directed him in the direction of the house.

He half walked half jogged back to the house, the journey was made longer by Little Abs fascination with every hedge row, fellow dog and lamppost they passed.

Finally they arrived back to the house, he took a few moments to find his keys, however he paused just as he was about to place his keys in the lock as his attention was caught by the sound of two people laughing from inside. He recognised the first as that of Dixie's, yet he couldn't place the second one, it was definitely a woman and she had a strong hearty laugh but other than that he couldn't place who it was.

He hesitated for a split second before ramming his key into the lock and bursting through the door. He briskly walked through to the living room where the laughter was coming from.

He stopped dead in his tracks at the sight that he saw, Dixie jumped up off the sofa, before securing her dressing gown in embarrassment.

"Jeff, I thought you would be out for longer." She blushed as she avoided eye contact with a stunned Jeff.

"Well uh.." He stuttered before trailing off.

"Maybe I should go." The woman on the sofa said, as she wrapped scrambled for her clothes.

"Jeffery sweetheart, could just give us a moment?" Dixie requested as she picked up one of the woman's socks and passed it over.

"Sure, sure." He replied a, trying to comprehend the sight before him.

Quickly he made a swift exit and headed into the kitchen, where he took the lead off the dog and busied himself by preparing little Abs's breakfast. As he placed the bowl down onto the floor, he watched on as the dog hungrily devoured the food, Jeff couldn't help but feel envious of the dog's carefree attitude to the sight he had just walked in on.

The sound of the kitchen door opening caused Jeff to look up and in walked Dixie and the woman a few paces behind her.

"Sorry about that." The woman behind Dixie apologised, breaking the awkward silence. Jeff noted how she had an American accent.

"Well looks like you've rumbled us." Dixie joked in attempts to lighten the mood.

"Ha looks like it." He replied as he tried to mask his hurt.

"I'm Dawn." The woman offered as she extended her hand.

"Jeff." He introduced before begrudgingly taking her hand, painting on a false smile as he did so.

"Dawn and I have been seeing each other for the past month or so, I wanted to see how it went before telling you."

The words cut right through him, it was if someone had walked up to him and punched him hard in the stomach, he wanted to speak however he felt breathless.

"Jeffrey?" Dixie asked as she noticed his look of horror.

"Congratulations." He mumbled, unable to think of anything else.

"What's up mate?" Dixie asked concerned by his distant behaviour.

"Nothing. Sorry. It's been a long night, come here you." He said as he put on a tone of enthusiasm, before wrapping his arms around the women.

"Well it was great meeting you Jeff." Dawn smiled as the hug came to a close.

"Right I said I'd give Dawn a lift home." Dixie informed as she picked up her car keys.

Jeff merely nodded as he watched the two women walk out hand in hand.

He took one last look at Dawn, there was nothing special about her she had shoulder length, chestnut hair and she was a little bit taller than Dixie.

As the door slammed closed, he sank down onto the kitchen floor and buried his head in his hands. Why couldn't it be him she wanted?

**A/N: Thanks for reading the next part will be up soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

A week had passed since Jeff had found out about Dixie's new relationship and she had spent most of her time around at Dawn's place.

She sat at the kitchen table and watched as Dawn sloppily made two cups of tea, she wasn't keen on her tea, she would either over do it with the milk or accidentally leave the tea bag in the cup. She found her mind drifting over to Jeff, he always made the best cup of tea and it was exactly how she liked it.

"You're in a world of your own." Dawn laughed as she placed the full cup onto the table, causing the tea to spill down the sides.

"Sorry love, I was just thinking maybe I should phone Jeff?"

"Why? You worked all day with him."

"I know, but he's been off with me." She confided as she thought back over the shift, he had barely said two words to her and would often avoid eye contact, she couldn't work out what she could have possibly done.

"You need to stop worrying so much, he has his own life." Dawn offered as she tried to remain patient.

Dixie had explained about her marriage to Jeff a few weeks ago, when they first started seeing each other she had kept quiet through fear of complicating things however as things became more steady she had decided to tell her everything.

"Yeah you're right." She agreed trying to suppress the niggling urge to flip out her phone.

"So have you spoken to him yet?" She asked chewing her bottom lip as she did so.

"I don't know how to."

"It's like ripping off a band aid, the quicker the better."

"We say plaster out here." Dixie smiled, Dawn had been living in Britain for five years and yet she still refused to change the way she spoke and it often led to some hilarious misunderstandings.

"Dix, I can understand your worries."

"Ever been married to a bloke?" She sarcastically asked, raising her eyebrow as she did so.

"Wouldn't so much as kiss one." She replied honestly, if there was one thing Dawn was sure about, it was her sexuality.

"Then you wouldn't understand how hard this is."

"Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind?" She suggested.

"I'd rather not be cruel in the first place."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Deal with this the best way you think."

"You know what? you're right." Dixie declared as she got to her feet before pushing in her chair.

"I am?"

"Yes, I'm going to tell him now."

"But what about your tea?" Dawn shouted down the hall way, where Dixie was making her way to the door.

"You left the tea bag in again." She shouted from the front door before it shut.

As she stepped outside she zipped up her jacket, the cold winter wind was blowing harshly and it was lightly raining. It wasn't actually her jacket, she couldn't find hers before she left the house, so she grabbed Jeff's when his back was turned. It was slightly too big for her, yet the familiar scent of his after shave and shower gel seemed comforting.

She made her way down the pavement before she retrieved her phone, she considered what she was going to write before typing it up and after a few minutes of thought she arranged to meet Jeff at the restaurant around the corner from Dawn's place.

With the agreement of meeting him there in half an hour, she walked on over to wait for him. She had chosen a small Indian establishment, she wasn't keen on the food usually, however she hoped the choice would count in her favour when she spoke to Jeff.

She had seated herself at a table in the corner in hopes of having privacy. The half an hour of waiting seemed to drag on for a lifetime, she had ordered a bottle of cheap wine and had drank most of it in nervous anticipation. When Jeff arrived she almost berated him for being late before realising that he was in fact dead on time.

"Hey princess, this aint like you." He commented as he pulled up a chair.

"What isn't?"

"You're drinking wine, it's usually any excuse for a pint."

"Do you want some?" She asked as she pushed the bottle towards him.

Wordlessly he filled the spare glass on the table and took a sip.

"That's like paint stripper." He cringed, placing the glass back down and pushing it to the side.

"It's the cheapest." She shrugged.

"It shows." He laughed in attempts to break the ice.

"Jeff, I need, well we need to, well uh." She started before trailing off.

"Something you want to say?" He quizzed as he noted her tense expression.

"Are you ready to order?" Came the voice of a waiter from behind them, abruptly ending the conversation.

"Uh, no just give us a moment mate." Jeff replied before reaching for the menu and pretending to read.

Jeff paused and watched as the waiter walked away before placing down the menu, he waited to see if Dixie would speak however all he got was silence.

"You are going to have to give me some sort of clue here." He urged, feeling uneasy by her out of character nervousness.

"Well you see the thing is."

"Dix, you're worrying me now."

"Well you know Dawn and I have been seeing each other for while now and.." She found herself trailing off again upon noticing his features tense.

"Yes and?" He pushed his jealousy becoming ever more present.

"It's me and you, this set up we've got it's not, its just not..."

"Finish your sentences woman." He snapped in a moment of rage.

She looked him in the eyes and was for a moment shocked, she had seen Jeff angry before but never like that and never at her. He was always so kind and gentle towards her but this past week he had become increasingly stressed and seemed irritable over the littlest things.

"It's just not going to work anymore."

Dixie held her breath, whilst Jeff in contrast took a few deep breaths as he tried to take in what had just been thrown at him. Dixie had done break ups before, she had often been the one on the receiving end and she had done her fair share of being the one ending it, but this time she was confused. She had never broken up with a man before, did this even count as a break up? Although it may have been a marriage, it wasn't the conventional kind. After all he was straight and she wasn't.

"Jeff, say something mate."

"No, it's you that needs to keep going, go on explain to me exactly where you're going with this."

She looked at him before diverting her eyes downwards as she focused on a stain on the carpet, Jeff was good at pretending things were all ok , however this time he was making no effort to conceal his anger.

"I want a divorce." She quickly blurted out, unable to take the tense atmosphere any longer.

"So what just like that?" He challenged, he had experienced being asked for a divorce before however he couldn't remember it hurting as much as it did now.

"No, not just like that I've thought about this." She protested, she didn't want Jeff to think of her as cold hearted and cruel.

"So that's it you marry me to please your dieing old man and now your done?"

"We've been married for two years." She merely replied her voice barely a whisper, this different side to Jeff was setting her on edge

"Two years, you've been Kathleen Collier, not Kathleen Dixon, Kathleen Collier."

"What's that got to do with anything?" She questioned becoming increasingly confused.

"You took my name, surely it must have meant something to have took my name."

"It does. You do."

"Then why are you doing this to me?" He demanded his voice raised, causing people from other tables to look around.

"Keep your voice down." She hissed, embarrassed by the looks they were receiving.

"So what happens next?" He sighed defeated.

"I think it's best we just live separately, give us some space to go through with the divorce."

"So that's it then, a new relationship and that it for us?"

"Jeffrey we need to move on with our lives, we can't keep saying we have an open marriage it just doesn't work."

"Excuse me mate." Jeff called out to the waiter, ignoring her previous statement.

"Yes? Are you ready to order?" The young man asked before opening up his writing pad.

"A bottle of whatever is the most expensive." He requested.

"Yes of course anything else?"

"No just that and make sure it is the most expensive."

"I will." He assured as he turned on his heel to fulfil the order.

"What are you playing at?" Dixie demanded a look of shock on her face.

"I don't know what you're on about." He replied in mock innocence.

"Have you seen the prices?" She said in horror as she flipped open the section on wine in the menu.

"So?"

"We don't spend that on our weekly shop."

Before Jeff had a chance to reply the waiter returned with the order and placed it down on the table.

"My lovely wife will be footing the bill tonight." He informed as he picked up the bottle and rushed out the restaurant before Dixie could protest.

She painted on a false smile before calmly pulling out her purse, under usual circumstances she would have been angry at how juvenile he had just acted however she was too angry with herself for hurting him like that and surprisingly she felt aggrieved over the end of her marriage, more so than she ever thought possible.

**A/N: Thank you for reading chapter three will be up soon.**


	3. Chapter 3

Jeff Collier sat on the edge of his bed lacing up his shoes, three days had passed since Dixie had moved out and he had tried to distract himself by any means possible, however in an hours time he would be starting a twelve hour shift with her and then, then there would be no way he would be able to avoid her.

He was still operating as if she still lived with him. That morning he had already made two cups of tea instead of one, he had rushed getting ready in the bathroom to avoid a telling off for using up the hot water and the bins hadn't been put out as this week was usually her turn to put them out.

He still had Little Abs living with him, he had bought him all those years ago for her. He had chosen him out of worry she would be lonely and in hopes it would get her through the emotional trauma she was experiencing. He often thought back to the Farmead incident where Dixie had run over that young girl named Sammy Malone. It had seemed at the time she would never get over it. He had gone to great lengths to help her though it. It bothered him more than he cared to admit, watching the guilt consume her and now she was through it and now it was him that needed the dog.

He got to his feet and walked out onto the landing, it seemed Little Abs had taken Dixie leaving almost as bad as he had and would often sit in her room. He made his way down the hallway in search of the dog. He pushed open her bedroom door and saw him straight away lying out on her bed, whimpering slightly.

"C'mon mate, I miss her to." He sympathised almost as if he was another person.

Jeff smiled slightly at the thought of Dixie going mad at him for letting the dog sleep on the bed, she would be horrified at the sight of the dog hair covering the sheets.

He petted the dog, with a look of concern across his face. Little Abs just hadn't been himself since she left. He was usually playful and mischievous but over the past few days he had been quiet and spent most of his time either by the door waiting for her to return or in her room.

"Right I gotta get to work, don't go chewing the sofa."

He got to his feet and headed towards the door, he took one last look at the dog before taking a sweeping glance around the room and noted how bare it now seemed, almost as if she was never there. Her clothes were no longer strewn all over the place, the bedside table was clear of books and empty cups, her shoes no longer littered the floor and the framed picture of them with Polly no longer sat on the window sill.

He had remembered when she first died he had been adamant he didn't need a photo to remember her by but Dixie had been, so he had bought her a frame for it, he had told her if she was going to hold on to it she might as well have something to keep it in.

If Polly had been there, she would've spoke sense to them. He was certain if she had had anything to do with it, they would have resolved this by now. He had found himself thinking about Polly a lot of recent days, feelings that were once only vague in his mind had resurfaced in a heart wrenching way. He used to watch her and Dixie and would call them his girls in his head. Polly was always like a daughter to them and although they never voiced it to each other, Dixie and Jeff still felt a certain amount of guilt that they couldn't have saved her from her fate that night.

He exhaled loudly in attempts to compose himself before stepping out of the room and onto the landing. He put one foot in front of the other and focused on getting to the stairs as he did so he looked forward each time, taking each step one by one trying not to think of her. He would spend the next twelve hours with her, he didn't need to be thinking about her in this much detail.

The drive to work was spent desperately trying to distract himself, he had the radio blaring with the sports channel on, for the past three years Dixie had had full control over what station they listened to, so he had taken full advantage of having control over the dial, except he found himself changing back over to what she listened to ten minutes into the journey.

He missed little things about her that he didn't even notice before. He missed the way she altered the air conditioning every few minutes, how she told him that he was reckless driver and how she used to make him turn around to go back for something she had forgotten.

He mentally cursed himself for thinking like this, he knew what he was getting into when he married her, it was a marriage of convenience, so why did he feel this way? He knew from the day he met her she was a lesbian.

Finally he pulled up into the hospital grounds and spotted her over the side of the car park getting out of the passenger side of an unfamiliar blue Mini Cooper. He slowed the car down and hung back so that she wouldn't see him, he watched her for a moment or so before the door of the drivers side opened.

He continued to observe and saw that the other person was none other than Dawn, she was dressed in a blue rain coat even though it was a clear day and she had on a pair of skinny jeans.

"Too tight for a woman of her age." Jeff said to himself, smirking as he did so.

Dixie had a wide smile on her face and they were laughing like school girls, oblivious to how he was feeling. She stepped in closer to Dawn before she wrapped her arms around her waist and leaning in for a kiss. It was passionate and full on, effectively bringing Zoë and Dylan's argument to an end as they stared in open mouthed shock at the over enthusiastic public display off affection. Jeff noted how Zoë was trying and failing not to look and Dylan had glanced his watch at one stage.

Finally the kiss to a close and Dawn stepped back into her car. Jeff waited until she had driven off before he got out of his car. Rage built up within him, it was fair to say he envied Dawn, he would have given anything to have made Zoë and Dylan uncomfortable with Dixie.

He made his way across the car park, trying to think of what he would say to her, what would they talk about? Would she bring up the divorce? Would they make small talk? Or would they simply stay silent and only talk when necessary? It seemed laughable to him that he would worry about making conversation with the one woman he used to tell everything.

She was yet to notice him, she was already dressed for the day and she was making her way towards the ambulance bay.

He found himself dragging his feet, he hated the fact that he just had to stand back and watch as his wife snogged a woman in full view of everyone. He wanted to step in and make it clear that she was married to him and he wasn't going to put up with it but he knew he would look slightly mad for doing such a thing.

He picked up his pace and painted on a smile upon noticing a teenage boy looking in his direction, he was adamant he wasn't going to show the world how hurt he was.

"Not recognising your own son is a sign you don't see enough of your children." The boy spoke up as Jeff passed him.

Jeff double took as he looked around to face him, it had been a while since he last saw him but it was defiantly his son except he was now a lot taller, his hair was died and his voice had broken.

"John." He merely stated in surprise.

"It's been a while." He smiled it had two years since he moved away with his mother and sister and contact with Jeff had been minimal.

"Look at you now, you look so grown up." He observed as he glanced him up and down.

"Well I am sixteen now."

"You look it." He replied stunned at how different he seemed.

"So, where's Dixie?" John asked as he looked around for her.

"You what?" Jeff asked taken off guard by the mention of his wife.

"Well she is my step mother, I kind of want to get to know her. I always felt bad mum stopped me and Sophia coming to the wedding."

"Well you see the thing is mate..." He started before trailing off.

"What is it?"

"Nothing, forget it." He dismissed putting on a cheery tone.

"There she is." John pointed out before starting to walk in her direction.

Jeff exhaled loudly to himself, he always knew that one day that lie would come back to haunt him. Now he just had to work out how to explain his unconventional marriage to him.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: The next few chapters will mainly revolve around the twelve hour shift they are working, I want to set it out as if it was an actual episode as I realised I haven't really focused on the hospital aspect of it in the first few chapters and I don't want to get away from what the show is about.**

**Big thanks to my reviewers GillianKerneyfan, EllyAndTilda and Sinceslicedbread.**

**And thank you, woody2792 whose fic "Sadness moves in strange directions." gave me the motivation to write this.**

Jeff for a few seconds remained rooted to the spot, just watching as John walked across the car park. Within the space of a minute his son would know the truth. He wasn't going to let that happen, for two years his children believed he was a happily married man and that wasn't about to change.

"Hey John, hang on a minute." He called out as he sprinted up behind him.

"I would've brought Sophia, but mum won't let me have her on the scooter." John explained, pausing to let Jeff catch him up.

"Since when have you.." He started before trailing off.

"It gets me around."

"Do you have any idea how many RTC's I see a week, involving stupid kids on scooters?" He asked, his protective dad instinct kicking in.

"We haven't seen each other in God knows how long, could you hold off on the lectures?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry mate. Listen me and Dix have got a shout, how about you head back to ours and we'll be back after the shift?" He quickly suggested, desperate to talk to Dixie before he did.

"I could do with a few hours' kip, to be honest."

"Well you take my keys and I'll see you soon." Jeff smiled as he tossed him over the house keys.

"Right, well have fun scooping up blood and guts or whatever it is you do."

Jeff held the smile until John was around the corner and out of sight before he breathed a sigh of relief, he now had twelve hours to convince Dixie to play along with the act. He couldn't help find it funny that two years later he would have to pretend to be in love with her again, except this time was it really pretending?

"Oi you, every second you waste standing there like a lemon, is a second we waste getting to this stabbing." Dixie shouted as she pulled up beside him in the ambulance.

He sighed before slowly making his way to the passenger side.

"Move it Jeffrey." She ordered her voice urgent.

"Anything for you Mrs Collier." He joked, putting on cheesy grin for her benefit.

"Don't you start."

"What?" He replied feigning a look of innocence.

"Get in and shut up."

Jeff quickly did as ordered, he knew if he was going to get her onside he would have to be on his best behaviour, he should've known the stunt with the expensive wine would come back to haunt him.

"So, not happy about the other night?"

"Well my purse is a lot lighter, if that's what you mean."

"Look at it this way if you're divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour, you've now got a case." He offered in attempts to lift the atmosphere.

"Hmmm, along with you using up all the hot water, leaving empty juice cartons in the fridge and trimming your toenails on the sofa."

"Well at least I don't put DVD's back in the wrong case or stain the bathroom tiles with peroxide." He fought back unable to remain polite.

"It's like being married to a child." She muttered before turning on the sirens to drown him out.

"and you call me the childish one?"

The rest of the journey was spent in silence, it seemed odd to Jeff that just over a week ago they were laughing and joking as they always did and now they could barely say two words to one another without an argument breaking out.

"Right we're here." She announced, pulling up beside a children's play area where the incident had been reported.

They climbed out of the ambulance and observed the scene taking place in front of them, it was nothing unusual children were playing on the swings, mothers were watching on and the usual sound of laughing children could be heard. There was no evidence to say that a stabbing of any kind had taken place.

"Bloody time wasters." Jeff raged as he headed back to the ambulance.

"Ay, aren't we going to at least ask?"

"It's simple, some hooligans with nothing better to do have made a hoax call."

"Hang on a minute." She said upon noticing a girl sat by a tree in the distance.

"She's fine Dix."

"Excuse me love?" Dixie called out as she approached a teenager, who seemed to be holding a bundle of white sheets covered in blood.

"Yes?" She responded a look of panic in her tear filled eyes.

"Was it you that made the call?"

The girl merely nodded in response, she must have been no older than eighteen, her clothes were dirty and she had a pale complexion.

"Jeff, get the kit." She shouted over to him, upon noticing the blood pooling around the girl's feet.

Jeff followed her instructions as he grabbed the kit and swung it over his shoulder before rushing over to join her.

"Alright sweetheart, can you tell us where the knife went in?" Jeff questioned as he removed the sheets from her arms.

"There was no knife."

"You said in the call you'd been stabbed."

"Jeffrey." Dixie spoke up as she pointed to the blood staining the patient's trousers.

The pair exchanged looks before turning their gaze to the bloodied sheets that lay on the floor. Wordlessly Dixie leaned over and unwrapped the sheets to reveal what was being hidden.

"I'm going." The girl declared as she unsteadily rose to her feet and began to walk away.

"Listen you need to let us treat you." Jeff reasoned following on after her.

"Get away from me." She screamed out.

"You're losing a lot of blood, we need to get you to a hospital."

"No, just take it." She responded gesturing to the sheets in Dixie's arms.

"He's right sweetheart, you need to trust us." Dixie contributed.

"C'mon let us take a look." Jeff requested as he edged in closer to her.

"I mean it get away." She shrieked raising her fist before smashing it down across his face.

He raised his hand to his nose and felt the blood trickling down, dripping onto his shoes. Before he could react further she brought her foot forward swiftly kicking him in the leg causing him to drop to the ground. With that she quickly ran off leaving him on the floor.

"Jeff speak to me." Dixie cried out, panic present in her voice as she rushed to his side.

"The weather is nice." He responded as he sat up.

"You had me worried."

"Is it breathing?" He asked pointing to the sheets.

"Just about, we need to get her seen to."

"What about the mother?"

"We'll find her later." She concluded, helping him to his feet before rushing over to the ambulance.

"Ay princess?"

"What?" She replied a slight smile forming.

"It's nice to know you still care."

"It's nice to know I'm still your princess."

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Bit of a cheesy ending guilty as charged, so last week we saw an abandoned baby storyline on the show, well we see them at least twice in every series but anyway, I had a great idea for Dixie and Jeff whilst watching, so I thought I'd add it into my fic.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Just a warning to say this chapter has mentions of drug use.**

Jeff stared up at the ceiling in one of the cubicles, he and Dixie had brought the newborn in a few minutes previously and Tom had taken over her care. His vision was blurred and unfocused along with a pulsating pain throbbing up his cheek.

"Ay up." Came the northern accent of his wife as she entered the cubicle.

"How's the kid?" He questioned, not bothering to look at her.

"Not so good."

"No surprise really."

"Tom doesn't think she's going to make it."

"We see it a lot." He mumbled in a detached manner.

She hesitated for a moment before perching on the edge of the gurney, even then Jeff kept his eyes focused on the ceiling. She had thought they had made progress in the ambulance however now he had gone cold on her. His arms were folded and he had an empty uncaring look in his eyes.

"This aint like you mate." She reasoned placing a comforting hand on his knee, causing him to tense up.

"Mate." He repeated an edge of bitterness present in his voice. He wondered what she called Dawn, whatever it was, it was bound to be something more affectionate than "mate."

"I thought we were alright back there."

"Do you remember my son?" He asked ignoring her previous statement.

"John?"

Jeff merely nodded in response, still he kept his eyes away from her direction. He hadn't looked at her since they arrived at the hospital, for a moment in the park it was as if they were back to how they were before, but then he remembered and it hit him twice as hard, so now he was trying to shield himself from it.

"He's a nice lad, he must be what sixteen now?"

"Hmm yeah." He nodded.

There was painfully long awkward silence as she tried to work out how to respond, he had raised the subject yet seemed unwilling to expand on it.

"Is there anywhere you're going with this?" She prompted, in hopes of breaking the silence.

"I remember now it was two years ago, it was the week before our wedding." He said, it was in truth more for his benefit than it was for hers.

"Go on."

Slowly he turned his head around to face her and for the first time since she had entered they made eye contact, he held her gaze for a few seconds and she returned the look, neither was willing to break the contact however it was over as soon as they blinked and he proceeded onwards.

"I got this email off him, it was mostly spam mail and those stupid videos you send me but that day it was different."

"You said you liked those videos." She cut in.

"Well I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but a skateboarding dog isn't all that funny."

"You said it was hilarious."

"I said a lot of things." He muttered the tense atmosphere becoming ever more present.

"C'mon on tell me about your son, just talk to me about something, anything just don't go quiet on me Jeffrey." She pleaded, becoming ever more frustrated with the situation.

"Two years ago I got that email and I replied to it, I knew I shouldn't have written what I did but..." He began before cutting it short.

"Keep going."

"I had a go at you for lying to your old man, but what I did was no better."

"Hang on mate, you're gonna need to back it up a little."

"Your dad wanted to know you were settled and happy, so did John with me."

"Well of course he'd be worried about you, there's no need to feel guilt over that." She reassured, a slight smile forming.

"No Dix, you don't understand." He replied sitting bolt upright on the gurney.

"You're scaring me now Jeff." She stated a look of confusion written across her face.

"You told Arthur exactly what he wanted to hear and I did the same to John."

The crackling static from the radio brought the conversation to an abrupt end.

"Holby controls to three zero six." Came the voice of the operator.

"Three zero six receiving." Dixie responded, unclipping the radio off her belt.

"Reports of a teenager with severe bleeding down at the breeze hill estate, block G, flat 34."

"Can you send anyone else?" Dixie asked her voice hesitant.

"It's fine we'll take it." Jeff interrupted taking the radio from her.

"Ok, over." The operator concluded, ending the call.

"Jeff you're in no fit state."

"Let me be the judge of that." He replied, his voice cold and emotionless.

He swung his legs around and climbed off the gurney, he placed his hand on the railings to steady himself allowing his vision came back into focus.

"Do you recognise the address?" She asked in attempts to make conversation.

"We've been there enough times, mind you never that flat."

Dixie and Jeff often found themselves called out to that area, it was filled up with mostly squats and crack dens. It was far more violent than the Farmead estate.

"What was it you used to say?"

"I dunno." He shrugged, he knew Dixie was trying to lighten the atmosphere yet he couldn't bring himself to join in, if he didn't take part in it he couldn't miss it later on.

She stood for a moment and watched as he exited the cubicle, for a few seconds she hung back before following on. The ambulance ride was tense, the sirens and the radio masked the awkward silence. She wanted him to shout at her or rage at her over the divorce, anything was better than the guard he had put up around himself.

As soon as arrived at the address, they put aside their own problems and launched into their roles. It had taken many years of experience yet Jeff and Dixie had taught themselves to distinguish between the two, over the years they had got pretending that all was alright down to a fine art.

They worked with each other with proficiency and ease, Dixie always used to say she could never do her job if Cyd wasn't her partner however she had learned over the years that Jeff was her natural fit. Cyd had been a laugh and they worked together but her views were always tainted through her feelings towards her. The job was always that much harder to do over jealousy of her boyfriend yet she could never walk away down to how she felt about her. Looking back Cyd getting that job was probably the best thing that could have happened. It had appeared, the saying out of sight out of mind really did apply.

With Jeff it was easy, they were best friends she loved him, he loved her but they weren't in love. That way it was simple no one could ever get hurt that way, or so she thought.

The sound of a door being pounded broke her trail of thoughts, she'd been so deep in thought she had barely noticed the flight of stairs they had climbed.

"Paramedics." Jeff shouted through the letterbox, in hopes of gaining someone's attention.

After no response he pushed the unlocked door slightly and it swung open. A stale smell was in the air, the walls were covered in graffiti, the carpet was covered inch thick in dirt and dust, the windows had been boarded up with cardboard and the house was surrounded in darkness.

They walked through until they spotted the casualty. It was the same girl from earlier on that morning, she lay on her front with her hair covering her face. The blood pooled around her and over the floor, sinking into the carpet.

"Looks like we found her." Jeff commented rolling his eyes as he did so.

"Let's just treat her, yeah?"

"Who abandons their kid like that and returns to the crack den? It's heartless."

"We're not here to judge, we're here to treat."

"Let's get some fluids into her." He instructed as he knelt down beside her.

"I'm warning you now Jeffrey, whatever has got into you snap out of it."

"Focus on the patient." He dismissed, trying to block her out.

"Do you think there's a boyfriend around, friends or anyone" She wondered aloud, trying to ignore the ill feeling.

"You mean is the father around? No doubt it was some no hoper off the estate, a drunken one night stand with a lad that plied her with drugs and alcohol."

Before Dixie had a chance to respond the sound of the door swinging open ended the conversation. Heavy footsteps pounded across the corridor and a male's voice could be heard. Jeff's whole expression changed upon recognising the voice.

"Rach, I've got the money, my dad just handed over the keys to his house, I managed to get fifty quid and one of his watches so I bought the stuff." The voice announced as he entered the room.

Jeff held his breath not daring to turn around, he had hoped that he had been mistaken, yet the look on Dixie's face proved what he was thinking.

"Hang on a minute, don't I know you?" Dixie asked as she tried to place the person stood in front of her.

Swiftly Jeff got to his feet and spun around to face the boy, they merely looked at each other in shock for a few seconds and for the second time that day Jeff had come face to face with his son. He glanced down at what was in the young boy's hand, he was holding a small clear bag containing a few grams of white powder.

Upon noticing his father's eyes upon him he took a step back, nervously swallowing in apprehension.

"What's happened to her?" John mumbled as he stuffed the bag into his pocket.

"What's happened to you?" Jeff replied his hands trembling in shock at the sight before him.


	6. Chapter 6

Moments felt like a lifetime as Jeff looked on at his son stood before him. Earlier on that morning when they came face to face, Jeff hadn't fully taken in his appearance, his judgment had been clouded by panic and he had kept one eye on Dixie the whole time.

He glanced him up and down several times, scanning from head to toe, taking in everything that he had been too preoccupied to notice earlier on. His eyes looked tired and bloodshot, accompanied by purple bags sagging underneath them, looking as if he hadn't slept in days. His whole complexion was pale and washed out. He was extremely thin and had a look of malnourishment, this was emphasised by his clothes hanging loosely off him.

Earlier on he had been wearing a jacket that covered his arms but now they were bare, Jeff's eyes became fixated on them as he tried to comprehend the sight he was seeing. Up and down his arms were ugly track marks, confirming that he had indeed been using the drugs that he had walked in with. Some were fresh implying that his last fix was very recent and others were faded and old making it clear that this habit had been going on for quite some time.

Jeff had encountered drug addicts many times in his career and had found them in terrible states both physically and mentally, some that he treated were his children's age and every time he would think of his own children, he would pity the parents and empathise with how they felt. The empathy would always be hypothetical, he never thought he would ever be in those parents's position yet here he was.

"No, no this aint happening." Jeff spoke up his tone raised.

John took another step backwards, backing up until he was up against the wall. His eyes darted around the room looking anywhere other than his father's glare.

"Right she's stable." Dixie announced, placing an oxygen mask over the girl.

"Look at the state on him Dix." He shouted out in response unable to handle what he was seeing.

"Listen Jeff, she's very ill we need to get her in."

"Are you, oh god please tell me you're not?" He stuttered as he gestured to the girl unable to put his fears into words.

"The father of the kid?" John offered his voice barely above whisper.

"How could you be so stupid?"

"I barely know her, I've been here around a month."

"So it's not yours?"

John merely shook his head in response before glancing upwards towards the staircase.

Dixie paused for moment following John's gaze as a look of realisation came across her face.

"Hang on a minute." She said narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

"What?" John snapped becoming ever more frustrated.

"If this girl has nothing to do with you, who was this Rach you were shouting to? And more importantly who called the ambulance?"

"Rachel get down here now." He screamed out at the top of his voice causing Jeff to jump back in shock.

The sound of heavy footsteps came charging across the landing and down the stairs. A girl the same age as John appeared with a savage look on her face.

"We need to go." He announced grabbing her hand and dragging her towards the door.

"No wait! I left the gear upstairs, what you bought won't last us." She protested a look of desperation in her eyes.

John quickly thought and turned to face his dad, his eyes were immediately drawn to the emergency kit over his shoulder.

"Give me the bag." He demanded his voice severe and threatening.

"Ok sweetheart just take it easy." Dixie stepped in as she stood up to reason with him.

"John, this is me you're talking to, your dad."

"You're no dad of mine, you haven't been for years." He bitterly spat a look of fury in his eyes.

"Please John, I tried it was you're mother she took you away."

"Give me the bag." He repeated once more.

"No, I'm not going to do it."

"You made me do this." He growled as he walked over to Dixie, grabbing her forcefully by the wrists before pushing her down onto the floor.

Out of his pocket he produced a flip knife and showed it to Jeff before turning it towards Dixie.

"Now Dad, what's it to be?" He asked placing a hand over Dixie's mouth to prevent her from screaming out.

"You don't want to do this." Jeff replied placing his hands up and approaching him with caution.

"Are you really going to put this much risk on your wife's life?"

"I know you John and I know you won't do it."

Before anything more could be said Jeff felt a forceful tug on the kit as Rachel snuck up behind him and grabbed it off him, with that John leapt to his feet and followed.

"Looks like I was bluffing." He smirked as they ran out onto the street, slamming the door closed behind them.

Dixie observed as Jeff remained glued to the spot with a mixture of heartbreak and confusion in his eyes. She took a deep breath and checked the patients breathing, desperately trying to regain her composure, it was obvious she would have to remain the calm one.

"Right Jeffrey, I need your help." She instructed trying to regain control of the situation.

"I got, I gotta get after him."

"You're in no fit state, we have to get her in."

"He's my son!"

"Jeff, we'll find him but if we don't get her out of here, she will die." She emphasised trying to get through to him.

"I'll go get the stretcher." He mumbled before heading out to the ambulance.

Dixie and Jeff were good at pretending everything was all ok, however Jeff did often wonder how far they could keep putting that theory into practice. Now was one of those occasions.

**A/N: So John is in a pretty bad way. Just a quick question would you rather have the next chapter be about Dixie and Jeff or would you rather it be about John? I will do a back story as to what happened to make John like this but would you rather see his feelings after what happened or what Dixie and Jeff did next?**


	7. Chapter 7

John Collier was running and he had been running for a very long time. By now he was used to leaving in a hurry and escaping bad situations. He had learned how to protect himself and he always told himself he had to what he had to do to get by.

He sunk to rock bottom after his parent's marriage broke down, it seemed both his parents had moved on and he would often question where he fitted in with their lives. His sister had learned to adapt, she was young and she couldn't see what he did. He envied her carefree attitude, after a few months she had settled in well at their new home and after a while their father was nothing more than a distant memory for her.

He had relieved his girlfriend of the stolen medical bag and with each step he took it would bash against his side, serving as a cruel reminder of the new low he had sunk to.

He didn't like to think of himself as a bad person, he felt remorse for what he just done. Holding a knife to someone was never something that would come easy to him, he acted like he was tough and that he would do it if he had to, but he never did. Nine times out of ten he would run, not because he was weak or cowardly, it was because it was the only way to survive. He'd seen the result of violent street fights and he learned from them, the knife was a last resort, always.

He didn't want to hurt anyone, least of all his father's wife. John was clever though, he knew what he wanted and if getting it meant threatening the person his father loved most, then he was not afraid to prey on that weakness.

He ran for what felt like a lifetime, he used to be full of boundless energy now he struggled, his heart rate felt like it would beat out of his chest, every breath was agony and the throbbing pain in his side was threatening to slow him down.

"John lets stop." Rachel insisted pulling them into an alleyway so they were out of site.

Relief filled him as he sank to the ground his back up against the wall for support. He took deep breaths trying to steady his breathing, clutching at his chest as he did so.

"It's alright." She soothed, rubbing his back in attempts to calm him.

"Our stuff, we've got nothing."

"We can go back for it."

"How Rachel? we've stolen a bag of drugs and held a knife to a paramedic." He despaired a look of anguish in his eyes.

"We don't have that much as it is, we'll be fine."

"Pictures of my sister, our clothes, the email I printed out." He frantically listed becoming ever more anxious.

"It's the withdrawal talking."

"I need that Email."

"It's time to let it go, you know it word for word."

"My dad sent it to me, I need it."

"The same man we just mugged, the same man whose house you burgled?" She bitterly spat.

"Just empty the bag and separate it." He argued back turning his face away.

She nodded before unzipping the kit and empting the contents out onto the floor. Out poured several bandages, pressure dressings, a pair of scissors, a small oxygen cylinder, defibrillator pads, latex gloves and a saline drip.

"There's nothing in here." She furiously announced.

"There's got to be."

"It's just a glorified first aid kit."

"There's got to morphine or anything." He said a hint of desperation present in his voice as he scrambled through the contents of the bag in search of something.

"John stop!"

"No there has to be, there has to be." He cried out becoming ever more frantic.

"That's enough now!"

"No, no, no." He raged before slumping down onto the floor.

"You're going to be fine, what you got will last us tonight, we'll get some more tomorrow." I promise she comforted as she pulled him up into her arms.

"I don't feel well." He stated, wiping away the sweat off his face his breathing becoming deep and shallow.

Apprehensively she removed the substance from his pocket, she kept one hand on John, to control his shaking.

He clenched his fists together the craving become too much to take, his body temperature had risen to a high level causing him to break out into a cold sweat.

"It's alright I'll give it to you." She reassured, holding him down as his shaking became more violent.

He lay on the ground whilst Rachel prepared, he tried to face her yet his vision had blurred and his hearing was poor, causing everything to sound like a poorly tuned radio. He fought against the strong feeling of nausea that overwhelmed him, his efforts weren't enough as he retched over the ground, being violently sick. Rachel hardly turned a hair she had seen the sight many times before, they both had.

He felt her fingers stroking his hair, in attempts to comfort him. He felt her pull up his sleeve, he took a deep breath in and braced himself.

Rachel was always quick, she never hesitated and that time was no exception. He gasped as he felt his arm being pricked before relaxing into her arms relishing the feeling.

She held him for a few seconds allowing the drug to kick in before she placed him down.

"Can you walk?" She questioned.

He took a few steady breaths before nodding.

"C'mon then we need to get out of here." She instructed, helping him to his feet.

Slowly he got up, for a moment a wave of light-headedness hit him causing him to stagger to the left before steadying himself on a wheelie bin.

"I've got you." Rachel said, wrapping a firm arm around his waist and leading him out of the alley.

They headed off back onto the streets looking for a place to sleep that night, to shelter from the cold weather.

"I'm sorry Dad." He said aloud before reciting the email to himself, the only thing that had kept him going in their time apart.


	8. Chapter 8

Three hours had passed since Dixie and Jeff had discovered the truth about John and they were now back at the house. Dixie had arranged for another crew to take over their shift after much persuasion.

"Lucy, I don't know what the hell has happened to our son, but if you don't call me back... so help me God I will come down there and you will have to tell me." He concluded before throwing the phone at the wall in frustration.

"Ay, c'mon calm down." Dixie stepped in taking him by the hand.

"She's not answering her phone, I can't get hold of her."

"And shouting isn't going to help."

Deflated he let go of her hand and sank down onto the sofa. He exhaled loudly before bowing his head down, of all the unpleasant and horrific sights Jeff had seen over the years, none of them compared to the horror of seeing his son in such a way.

The living room door that had been ajar swung open and little Abs came bounding in with a Frisbee in his mouth, which he promptly dropped at Dixie's feet.

"Well at least someone's happy." He commented, watching on as Dixie knelt down to stroke him.

"I've missed you." She said to the golden retriever, affectionately stroking his sandy coat.

"I've missed you." Jeff whispered under his breath, loud enough that it was voiced yet too quiet to count.

He mentally cursed himself for allowing her to dominate his thoughts, his son was in deep trouble and his time and energy should be spent on him.

"I think you need a drink." Dixie declared as she got to her feet.

"No Dix, I couldn't."

"Since when have you ever passed on a drink?"

"Not now."

"You've had a shock." She insisted, walking over to the book case and taking out a bottle of vodka from behind Harry potter and the half blood prince.

"What's that doing behind there?" He questioned a look of bemusement on his face.

"It's my secret stash Jeffrey." She winked as she passed the bottle over.

"What else have you got back there?"

"I've got a chocolate bar behind Alice In Wonderland, a bottle of red behind the Davinchi code, a packet of cigarettes behind Great Expectations, a large packet cheese and onion behind Peter Kay's autobiography and a bag of peanuts behind Murder At The Vicarage."

"Well it's not so secret anymore, is it?"

"I don't live here anymore." She shrugged.

"So supposing I wanted to read a book, what would you have done then?

You read a book? Your limit is the sports section in the paper." She laughed amused.

"Ha ha very funny." He responded temporarily distracted.

For a moment there was a silence in the room upon remembering why they had left work early, suddenly Dixie's phone rang and slowly she retrieved it from her pocket. For a moment she looked at the screen trying to decide whether or not to answer.

"No prizes for guessing who that might be." He remarked.

"Hey, Dawn listen can I call you back? Now's not a very good time." Dixie said as she took the call. "Alright speak soon." She concluded ending the call.

"Forget the drink, I need a clear head." He spoke up, passing the bottle back to her.

Jeff rose off the sofa and stepped out into the hallway before making his way over to retrieve his car keys.

"Now where are you going?"

"To find my son."

"No Jeff, lets call the police, they'll find him." She stepped in, desperately trying to reason with him.

"No, no way." He argued back furiously shaking his head.

"He needs help, Jeffrey."

"And I can give it to him."

"You're trying to play superhero."

"Go back to Dawn." He bitterly spat before storming out the door.

Furiously he slammed the door behind him, he was infuriated with her and he was infuriated at himself. It ate away at him that his main worry was Dixie's relationship, when his son was out roaming the streets in the state that he was.

"Jeff, wait." Dixie called after him as she exited the house.

"You're either with me or against me on this."

"Well in that case I better help you look for him." She hesitantly agreed.

He opened the door of his car and climbed in, he waited for Dixie to get in before he started the engine.

"Right, back to that place." He stated as he started the engine.

He spent the drive thinking about John, he had a million questions he wanted to ask. John always used to be so sensible, he was always such a good kid and he always looked out for other people.

He hadn't taken the time to see his children he knew that yet he never did anything about it.

"Could I have done more?" He voiced aloud.

"You saw him, he had a knife."

"No. Done more to see him? Done more to be there? Done more to help him?"

"We're here now let's just go find him." She replied avoiding his question.

As they took the steps to the building, Jeff was left with a sense of dread. He always used to think that part of the allure of being a paramedic was that he never knew what he was going to find, to him that was exciting and he used to revel in it. Now he was left questioning this, this certainly wasn't exciting, it was almost nauseating.

"Are you going to go in or are you just going to stare at it?" Dixie spoke up as she gestured to the door.

He nodded at her before placing his hand on the handle, he held it there for a while willing himself to press down and open it. A few times he came close to opening however he found his hands springing back up as soon as he got it to halfway.

A warm touch against his cold hand broke his trail of thoughts, he caught his breath and turned to face her, he hadn't realised how shaky his hand was until she steadied it.

She tightened her loose grip on his hand and in turn widened the gaps between his fingers to make room for hers and slowly she interlaced her fingers with his.

"Now go in." She urged softening her tone as she pushed their hands down on the handle opening the door.

He did as she instructed, not because he wanted to but simply because he had no plan of his own.

She broke the handhold as soon as the door was open and they were inside, he could fool himself for a while but there was only so long that Dixie would play along for.

The air was filled with smoke in the corridor like someone had been smoking cigarettes yet the smell suggested otherwise.

"Smells like a brother in here." He commented wrinkling up his nose in disgust.

"Been to many brothels have you?"She replied trying to lift the tension.

"Yeah last week, you came with me."

"Oh yeah the man with the toilet brush stuck up his..."

"Can you hear that?" He interrupted before walking through to the living room where the sound was coming from.

As he entered the room two young boys jumped up from the sofa, dropping the bottle of vodka they had been sharing.

"It's alright I don't want any trouble." Jeff defended as he took a step back.

"What are you doing here? you're not going to find anything here." One of the boys defended.

"Yeah so just leave us be, we're not doing anything wrong." The other one stepped in, his tone not as confident as his friend's.

"No offence mate but I couldn't care less about your stash of class A." Jeff responded.

"Then what are you doing here?" The boy responded a look of confusion on his face.

"I'm looking for John, that's all I want."

"Aren't you John?" The boy asked turning to face the lad next to him.

"No I'm Jamie." He replied insulted.

"Which one's John then?"

"The one that makes his money by looking out for Kerb crawlers."

"You're having a laugh aint ya?." Jeff spoke up a look of horror on his face.

"Nah, you got to do what you got to do and there are plenty of closet gays or desperate women willing to pay." He replied picking the bottle up off the floor and swigging what was left.

"You're wrong."

"No he pairs up with his bird and they do it together."

"Right just tell us where he's staying." Dixie stepped in her tone raised.

The two boys stared down at the ground for a few seconds avoiding the eyes that were upon them.

"I can't do this." Jeff announced taking a deep breath to steady himself, before calmly walking from the room.

"Right lads, what's it to be? You tell me where John is? Or I use this radio to get the police in?" She threatened holding up her radio to emphasise the point.

"Whatever." One of them dismissed as he flung the empty bottle to the side.

"This is Holby three zero six to control." She said to her radio.

"Alright, alright we haven't seen him in hours but his room is the second one on the right." He relented pointing her in the right direction.

"That wasn't too hard was it?" She mocked placing her radio back down.

She swung the living room door closed behind her as she made her way outside to find her husband.

"Jeffrey?" She called out making her way outside.

She spotted him straight away, he hadn't made much effort to move away from the place he was sat with his back up against the way with his head buried in his hands.

"Ay come here." She soothed kneeling down beside him.

"I feel sick." He informed taking deep shallow breaths.

"You're hyperventilating." She replied rubbing his back.

"I'm fine."

"Listen those lads, they told me where your John's room was, if we go look we might have some idea of where to find him."

"They just said didn't they?" He muttered his voice with a cold edge to it.

"He's your son, just get up and search his room." She argued back, extending her hand to help him to his feet.

He rejected her offer and sprang to his feet unaided before pushing past her towards the door.

"Where is it then?"

"Second one on the right." She said as she re-entered.

He proceeded onwards down the corridor, ignoring the fear of what he was going to find. As he reached the door, this time he was unhesitant as he swung it open and stepped in.

The room was in a state like the rest of the building, there were no beds just two sleeping bags and a dirty pillow. The floor was bare and the windows had been boarded up. There was no wardrobe just a pile of dirty and moth eaten clothes that folded up on top of one another.

He tried to ignore the syringes and empty bottles that lay on the ground but there was no denying they were there. Dixie stood behind him unable to think of what to say ,she'd seen them as well.

"Let's just get searching."

She merely nodded in agreement as they began to search around the room.

Jeff recognised a lot of the items as John's, items that used to sit in his other room, back in his old family home. They looked out of place in that place, it seemed wrong that they were there.

He found photos of Sophia amongst them all, she'd changed a lot by the look of them, it had been a while since he'd seen her and she seemed so much different in the picture.

He also found old photos of him and Lucy with the kids from back before the divorce. He was smiling in the picture but he wasn't happy neither of them was happy.

"I never knew you felt that way." Came Dixie's voice from behind him.

"You what?" He asked as he spun around to face her.

"I never had any idea that's how you saw it." She replied as she stared at the piece of paper in her hand.

"What have you got there?"

"This is complete fantasy." She merely stated shaking her head in disbelief.

He walked over to her and grabbed the piece of paper out of her hands and that's when he realised that email he sent two years ago really had come back to haunt him.


	9. Chapter 9

The harsh sunlight seeped through the dirty blinds, awakening John who had been collapsed in a heap.

He awoke to a clouded haze, his eyelids felt heavy, almost as if they were being weighed down. An intense feeling of nausea and sickness overwhelmed him, this was a feeling he was no stranger to by this stage.

Panic suddenly struck him upon realisation that he was in an unfamiliar bed in a room he couldn't recognise. He sat bolt upright ignoring the weakness in his body. He took in the surroundings, the walls were painted a plain white which had faded to dirty grey with age, the carpet was frayed and had a few stains and dust had settled on the window sill in a thick blanket.

The absence of other beings unsettled him, there were at least seven of them living in the small squat and he was used to waking up to loud noises, often drunken arguments or violent fights. He was still fully clothed and it looked as if the bed had only been slept on top of.

His memory was patchy from the day before, he remembered the confrontation with his father and Rachel injecting him in the alleyway however after the drug took hold, he hadn't a clue what was happening.

John loved the feeling of oblivion he got from taking the drug he craved so much but with oblivion came vulnerability, he knew the risks and took them ,yet the grey areas in his memory still unsettled him.

The sound of the door swinging open left him fearful of who might walk in. Did someone take him back here last night?

"John it's me." Rachel said as she entered the room.

"What are we doing here?" He demanded pulling himself out of bed.

"Well we could hardly go back to that place, with your mum and dad on patrol there."

"She's my step-mum."He corrected, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Alright, try and keep this down." She instructed pulling a piece of bread out of pocket.

"Where are we?"

"Just a grotty hotel room." She shrugged before breaking the bread up and sharing it between the two of them.

He looked at her for a few seconds, a look of hurt in his eyes.

"Still worrying about your dad?"

"How did you pay for the room?"

"John, don't ask me that." She sighed diverting her eyes to the floor.

"You could have got hurt."

"I did what I had to do."

"You're worth so much more than that." He said, stroking a strand of her brown hair behind her ear.

He held her hand against her cheek in return she took hold of his other hand.

"We've both done it before." She pointed out blinking back the tears that threatened to surface.

"It doesn't make it any easier."

"It's been so long, since I left home." She stated allowing the tears to fall down her pale cheeks.

"One year, three days for me." He whispered to her.

"You've kept count?"

He merely nodded in response, he remembered so clearly the day he walked out of his family's lives.

"I've been gone for that long and my dad only found out yesterday." He said a look of pain across his face.

"You're mother didn't tell him?"

"Even if she hadn't, if he'd have took the time to see us he would have found out for himself."

"That's why we came here wasn't it? You weren't here for money you were desperate for him to notice you."

"You make me sound like an attention seeking child."

"That's not what I meant and you know its not." She defended.

"It's just another squat in another city, we're always on the move."

"This city means so much more to you." She insisted, wrapping her arms around his neck for comfort.

He exhaled deeply and relaxed into the hug before slowly lying down on the bed, wrapping their legs together as they hit the pillow before she edged in closer and nuzzled in against his chest, inhaling his scent.

She felt safe in his arms, he was the only man she could ever trust and he provided her with the love she had so desperately craved as a child.

John sighed deeply to himself as he tightened his grip around her before kissing her lightly on the head.

"Talk to me John." She urged, giving his hand a light squeeze.

"I don't know how to start." He admitted, Rachel had never asked about how he came to leave home and he was never keen to tell.

"Just say what you remember, I want to know."

_Flashback._

_He layout on his single bed, the temptation had been too strong to resist. He'd taken so much and it had felt good, he'd been unaware of all things going on in his life and now it was wearing off, his senses were improving and he was becoming more aware._

_His mother had tried everything, she had locked him in, she dragged him to counselling but nothing would ever work. _

_The doctors had told her it didn't matter how much help they gave him, it would only work if he was willing to help himself._

_He wasn't, he wasn't willing to stop._

_The feeling of oblivion and unawareness was hurt less than being awake. When he was out of it he didn't feel out of place or worthless._

_He could feel a grip on his hand and it was loose but it was there, they'd interlaced their fingers through his and had stroked the back of his hand with their thumb. It was so gentle and loving, he knew it could be none other than his sister's._

_His eyes were closed, he didn't want them to open. He wanted to keep them shut and never wake up, he wanted to stay like that forever but for her he would open them, for her and for her only._

_He forced himself to look at her, her face was overcome with sadness and heartbreak and down her cheeks the tears fell thick and fast._

"_Please don't" He'd pleaded raising his hand to wipe away her tears._

"_You promised me John, you said you'd stop."_

_With the strength he had he pulled himself up into the sitting position to face her properly. She was only twelve she couldn't comprehend why her older brother was putting himself through this. To her it merely looked like he was making himself ill._

"_I'm sorry." He merely stated._

_She looked away from him to face the wall, he wasn't her older brother anymore, he was unrecognisable. He had changed and he had changed fast, his life became dominated by his addiction, if he wasn't doing it he was thinking about it. Everything and everybody in his life came second to it._

_She let go of his hand and placed it to the side, he was always sorry afterwards but it never deterred him from doing it again._

"_You've stopped trying." _

_An awkward silence filled the room as he tried to think of a response, he could've denied it but she deserved more than that, it was simple he had given up trying to stop because to stay like this was so much easier._

"_Say something." She demanded her tone raised, becoming evermore frustrated._

"_Come away Sophia." The voice of his step father said as he entered the room._

"_No I've got to watch him." _

"_He's over the worse of it, it will be out of his system soon." He soothed coming over to pull her away from the bed._

"_No Alan, he can't be on his own." She asserted, her voice sounding evermore distressed._

"_Go and sit with your mother, she could do with a hug." _

"_But what about..." _

"_I will stay with John."_

_John watched as she gave him a final glance before reluctantly leaving them alone._

_Him and Alan made eye contact and for a while nothing was said, he just looked at him unable to make a sound._

"_Drink this." Alan merely instructed passing him a glass of water._

_John shook his head in protest, pushing away the glass._

"_You've taken a shit load of smack, you're in one hell of a state." He raged pushing the glass up against his lips._

"_Alright just get off me." He relented snatching it out of his hold and downing it._

"_Worth it was it? Was all that crap you put into yourself, worth putting your mother and sister through all this?"_

"_I don't want to hurt them." He defended smashing the glass down on the bedside cabinet causing it to shatter._

_His mother appeared at the door having heard the sound, she looked on at him._

"_What happened to you?" She screamed out tears falling from her bloodshot eyes._

"_Luce don't do this to yourself." Alan stepped in taking her by the arm._

"_He's my little boy." She cried out._

_Guilt swept through him as he looked at his mother, she was in a mess and it was his fault. She looked frail and weak, her hair was scraped back in a messy ponytail and her eyes were tired and bloodshot. It was all through the worry he had put upon her._

_Sophia stepped in the room once more, she was only twelve but she had the weight of her family's troubles on her shoulders. She should be having fun with her friends ,not losing sleep over the thought of her brother overdosing in the night._

_He looked at her hand and she was clutching the bag of heroin that he'd hidden under his bed. The sight of her holding it made him feel sick._

"_Last night I found this under your bed." She announced before flinging it over to him._

_He caught it without hesitation, scrambling for it as if his life depended on it._

"_You're going to need to choose now." Lucy spoke up as she wiped away her tears._

"_Mum don't." Sophia desperately pleaded._

"_What's it to be John? Are you going to choose us? Or that?" Lucy proceeded onwards ,gesturing to the bag in his hand._

"_We'll give you time to think because you need to think this one through."_

_Wordlessly Lucy and Alan left the room and headed downstairs, leaving John and Sophia alone. She shot him a look, a look of pleading, silently begging him to make the right choice, to choose his family and with that she left the room._

_He sat in silence for a while before getting to his feet and pulling out a rucksack from under his bed and carefully zipping the bag into his pocket._

_He ran around the room packing all the various necessities that he needed, he wanted to break free from the feelings of isolation he felt. He hadn't felt part of the family since he had moved away from his father and now he was ready to leave that behind._

_He reached over and picked up the piece of paper containing the Email his father had sent him, he wasn't intending to go live with him, Jeff had moved on and he had the a whole future ahead of him with his new wife and John had no part of that._

_He continued packing ignoring the niggling doubts at the bag of his mind and all too soon he was ready._

"_This is it." He announced to the empty room, swinging the rucksack over his shoulder._

_He swallowed back the lump in the back of his throat, he wasn't going to make a big thing of it, he was just going to leave and try his best not to look back._

_He made his way towards the stairs, taking deep breaths as he did so. He stopped on the landing to find Sophia stood at the bottom of the staircase with Alan and Lucy just behind her._

"_Oh God, why?" Lucy shouted out, a fresh set of tears falling from her eyes._

"_Please don't" Sophia chimed in running up the stairs and wrapping her arms around his waist._

_Her returned the embrace pulling her up into his arms and carried her down the stairs, stroking his hand through her long hair as he did so._

"_I love you." He whispered to her, putting her down and making his way towards the door._

"_John, wait." His mother called out to him._

"_I can't stay." He replied placing his hand down on the handle._

"_Take this." Alan said, placing his hand into his pocket and pulling out his wallet, before empting it and handing over a handful of notes._

_He gave him a nod in thanks and stuffed the money into his pocket._

"_So that's it is it?"Lucy challenged in disbelief._

_John merely mumbled an apology as he made his way out the door, setting out on foot down the pavement. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his sister coming after him, she was calling out his name but still he carried on he kept on walking and with that he was out of their lives._


	10. Chapter 10

"Could everyone clear the area?"

"Let us through we're paramedics."

Broken glass, over turned tables, rowdy drunks and plenty of bloodshed. To a paramedic this was just a typical Friday night.

Walking into a bar to see this chaos would set anyone on edge, for Dixie and Jeff it was common place.

One casualty was a walk in the park compared to the half a dozen they saw in the last bar or the street fight they had just got back from.

A blonde woman was lying on the floor after attempting to dance on the tables. She was about thirty five years old, too old for dancing on tables anyway.

Blood seeped from a wound in her head from where she hit the floor and her leg was bent back at an odd angle but other than that she was conscious, intoxicated but conscious.

The pair exchanged looks, a look to say "Just another drunk." Or" It's just going to be one of those nights." Communication had been limited between the two for the past day or so. Other than talking in medical terms to each other, a look or nod in each other's direction seemed the best form of communication to avoid the elephant in the room known as "That email." Or "The John issue."

She would constantly mull over the words she had read and tell herself that it meant nothing and that her feeling of distance from Dawn were unrelated.

He would drive around the city for hours on end in search of his son and when he wasn't he was worrying about him.

Questions ran through both of their minds, fears, worries, concerns and they were both too stubborn to voice them so instead they kept their conversations to work related matters, almost as if they were strangers.

"Hey princess, I'm Jeff this is Dixie, we're paramedics." He introduced as he knelt down beside her.

"One, I'm drunk but I'm not that drunk I know what you are, and two I aint no princess." She slurred her voice clear enough to reveal a Manchester accent.

"Oh he calls all the ladies princess." Dixie smirked, remembering her initial attitude to that particular nickname.

"Thinks he's being flirtatious does he?"

"Oh I dunno, it could be an ego thing you just can't tell."

"Are you going to help me, or are you just going to take the piss?" He asked looking up from strapping up the woman's leg.

"I'm just going to take the piss."

"She got you there."

"Will you dress that head wound?" He requested, putting on a false smile.

"You're forgetting who your supervisor is Jeffrey."

"How could I ever possibly forget?"

"You two are like an old married couple." The woman snorted, observing their bickering.

"So are you going to tell us your name love?" Dixie asked ignoring her previous statement, searching for the dressing as she did so.

"Katherine, all my mates call me K because Katherine don't suit me, too lady like."

"It's a nice name almost as nice as Kathleen." Jeff noted catching Dixie's eye as he did so.

"Ay?" Katherine cut in, ending the moment.

"Oh nothing, similar story ,nicknames and all that." She dismissed, concentrating on wiping the blood from her head.

"How'd you get it?"

"It's just my surname. Dixon, Dixie." She shrugged.

"Oh it's your surname is it?" Jeff bitterly spat unable to hide his anger.

"Professional Jeffrey." Dixie warned lowering her voice as not to be over heard.

"Oh I'm the one being unprofessional, am I?"

"Well you can't accuse me of that."

"Of course nothing is ever your fault."

"Let's just get her in." Dixie sighed, getting to her feet before leaving the room to get a chair from the ambulance.

"Are you two shagging?" Katherine said , drunkenly giggling as she did so.

"You know if you weren't so tanked up, you'd be in agony."

"You fancy the pants off her."

"Seriously what have been drinking?"

"I dunno, but I could do with another."

"I'd happily join you." He agreed, looking over to the spot where his wife had previously been stood.

A few moments later she came back through with chair, wordlessly they helped her into it and wheeled her to the ambulance.

"I'll drive." Dixie stated gesturing for Jeff to get in the back.

"Yes Miss Dixon." He mocked rolling his eyes in distaste.

"Grow up." She retaliated before getting into the drivers seat.

The drive back to the hospital didn't take long, Dixie had put her foot down and they got there within five minutes. Jeff knew the she needn't have driven at that pace, they would for life and death situations but not for a broken leg.

"Watch out I could've run you over." She shouted over to Lenny, who had been on the phone.

She climbed out of the ambulance and assisted Jeff with unloading the patient before wheeling her into the E.D.

"Yeah see you mate, nah I'm fine it's not as if I would've been her first either." Lenny laughed to the person down the phone before hanging up.

"What was that?" Jeff challenged walking over to where he stood.

"Uh nothing I was just talking Yuki." He backtracked.

"You wouldn't be her first, what's that meant to mean?"

"C'mon man it was just a joke."

"Well why don't you explain it? and we'll have a good laugh." He raged in response becoming enraged by the young doctor's insensitivity.

"Well it's just." Lenny started before trailing off.

"Just what Lenny?"

"Nothing, just let it go." Lenny responded before turning on his heel and making to go back inside.

Jeff stepped in the way effectively blocking his path, Lenny was twice as strong as him and could've easily moved out the way however he remained where he was.

"That's my missus you're mouthing off about, so no I will not let it go."

"Like I said it was just a joke." He explained trying to step around him.

"You call what happened on that estate a joke do you?"

Lenny didn't respond, for once the loud mouthed Scots man was silent as he stared down at his shoes in shame.

"That girl is in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, do you think Dixie finds that funny do you?"

Lenny opened his mouth to speak before closing it again, Lenny wasn't often lost for words, he always had some form of comeback or remark to make however this time he had nothing.

"Well do you?" Jeff repeated becoming ever more wound up.

"No." He quietly replied his tone absent of its usual confidence.

"Do you think it was funny how she was harassed by those mobs, all those nightmares she had and her house getting burned down?"

"No." Lenny shook his head looking extremely apologetic.

"Do you think running someone over is something to joke about do you? Do you think she laughs about it?" He continued determined to stand up for her.

"Of course not."

"Then you watch your mouth." Jeff concluded shoving him to the side and entering the building.

Lenny watched on after him stunned by the confrontation. He hadn't realised Jeff had it in him, nobody before had made him back down like this, was Lenny Lyons losing his touch?

Dixie emerged from out of Resus, the team had taken over Katherine's care and it was the end of her shift. She looked around for Jeff, he hadn't followed her in a few minutes previously.

She made her way over to the ambulance bay to sign out, she presumed Jeff had slipped away to avoid speaking to her. She had wanted to reach out and speak to him, she wanted nothing more than to resolve the issues in their life however the atmosphere was tense and he hadn't attempted to make excuses for what she had read the previous day, so surely he meant every word?

Absent minded, she picked up the pen and signed herself out before heading home to Dawn, a prospect that no longer thrilled her like it used to.

She swung her bag over her shoulder and left, she should be out searching the streets with Jeff, not fighting with him.

A few minutes later Jeff entered the ambulance bay, he looked around for Dixie. Disappointment washed over him to find her gone.

He reached into his pockets to retrieve his car keys, another night of trying to get hold of his ex wife, another night of pining for his current one and another night searching for John. He couldn't face it alone he needed Dixie's help.

Picking up the pen he proceeded to sign out, he read the signature above his and for the first time that day he smiled.

From where Dixie had signed out it read,

_Signing in: 9.00 am: Miss K Dixon: Signing out: 21.00pm: Mrs K Collier._

It wasn't a big romantic gesture but it was hope.


	11. Chapter 11

Morning came around and Dixie lay awake in her double bed, staring up at the ceiling. Dawn lay next to her still asleep and Dixie hoped to keep it that way for just a while longer. She had things to think through and that needed to be done alone.

She looked over at her girlfriend and sighed to herself, she missed being awoken to Little Abs jumping on the bed or the smell of burning toast from downstairs.

Her morning routine seemed empty without Jeff's smart Alec remarks such as "I keep telling you Dix, it's a bathroom not a time machine."

A shrill ring of the doorbell abruptly broke her trail of thought and caused Dawn to wake up.

"So much for a lie in." Her tired girlfriend muttered before pulling the sheets over her head.

"So I'll just get that then." Dixie sighed shaking her head as she did so.

Hastily she grabbed her dressing gown and reluctantly made her way to the door, she was tired after the late night shift and early morning callers were the last thing she wanted.

Upon opening the door she was surprised to see her former neighbour stood on the doorstep with Little Abs next to him. She didn't often have much to do with her neighbours, they were a young couple who had recently had their second child.

"Gavin isn't it?" She checked unsure of what to say.

"Uh yeah, your husband dropped your dog around last night."

"And what would he do that for?" She asked slightly panicked by Jeff's sudden abandonment of the canine.

"Something about going to London."

"Did he say how long he'd be gone for?" She questioned taking the lead from him.

"He didn't."

"Oh right, well thanks sweetheart." She nodded painting on a false smile.

"See you then." He replied before making his way back to his car.

Dixie stood in the hall looking down at her dog before glancing up at the stairs.

"Dawn?" She called out.

"Yeah who was it?" She shouted back.

"So that dog allergy of yours, how bad is it?"

Meanwhile over in the city of London, Sophia Collier stood in her kitchen reading a note left for her off her mother.

It looked as if she was in for another lonely day where her mother worked all day. She busied herself by making a bowl of cereal that she would merely stare at, stirring it until it was nothing more than milk soaked mush before staring blankly at the TV screen, playing some talk show she had no interest in.

She had used to go out a lot at the weekend however her mother had kept her practically under lock and key since her brother had left and when she did leave the house, none of her old friends were allowed to see her through their parent's fears of her being like her so called druggie brother.

There weren't many family photos around the house anymore, there used to be but her mother couldn't take the reminders of John, she felt reminded of where she went wrong as a mother.

Sophia kept a few under her bed, she liked to look at them before she went to sleep every night. She used to talk to John about so many things and then he changed but she still missed him.

It was just her and Lucy now, Alan had left six months after John had. Lucy had become very withdrawn from her husband, she felt guilty for John leaving. She had gave him that ultimatum that day under the illusion he would see sense and choose his family, she never expected him to actually leave.

She had lashed out at everyone around her, mainly Alan. She told him that if he hadn't given John the money that day he would have come back, he told her she needed to open her eyes to what her son had turned into, she had said he was capable of changing and the last straw came when he told her that John was probably dead.

Sophia had watched it all in silence, she had thought about calling her dad about a hundred times a day. Sometimes she did and he would answer but she never found her voice to speak and would just sit listening to him shouting down the phone thinking it was a prank call.

She often wondered why her father never made the effort, he fought tooth and nail to see them when he split up with Lucy but after he remarried they lost contact.

John used to tell her she didn't need any sort of a father because he would be the best big brother in the world and she believed him for a while. When John became addicted their roles were soon reversed. She would sit up all night with him to make sure he didn't sneak out the house and she used to always forgive him and believe him when he said he was going to change.

John had seemed to disappear without a trace, they had searched the streets daily looking for him but there was never any trace nor had anyone seen him. The idea that he was dead was never one that she would entertain, until she knew for sure, she would not hold any theories about what had happened to him, it was easier that way.

The sudden buzz of the doorbell broke her trail of thoughts. She jumped to her feet and ran towards the door in hopes of coming face to face with her brother once more, it was the same with the phone, when either of them was heard her first thought would always be that it could possibly be her brother, the hope she initially felt would almost be worth the disappointment when she discovered it wasn't him.

She swung the door open and for a moment she was stunned, she had certainly not been expecting to see this person.

"Alright princess?" He asked in his usual tone, with a smile he so often used to greet her with.

"Daddy." She cried out as if she was a young child again.

She allowed the emotions to overwhelm her as the tears came falling down her face, her whole body shook from the loud sobs she was letting out causing her legs to sink.

"It's alright I've got you." Jeff reassured wrapping his arms around her and lifting her up.

"Dad, you need to know something"

"I know sweetheart, I know."


	12. Chapter 12

Jeff perched on the edge of the sofa awaiting his daughter to come back in, she had gone up stairs to get changed.

He listened as her footsteps came padding down the stairs and she appeared dressed for the day in a casual pair of jeans and pink T-shirt.

"It's good to see you."

"Come here lets take a look at you." He smiled before getting to his feet and walking over to her.

He smiled at her before tucking a strand of long hair behind her ear, to get a good look at her face. He cupped her face in his hands and studied her features, she was still so young but it had been so long since he had properly seen her and she had changed. Her eyes were still the same as they ever were a deep brown, her hair was shorter than what it was but still pretty long and had been died a light blonde similar to her mother's.

"Cor blimey, you've gotten tall." He joked ruffling her hair as he did so.

"You said you knew about John?" She asked cutting straight to the point.

He merely nodded in response, unsure of how to word the conversation with his thirteen year old. He had no idea of how much or how little she knew.

"Dad?" She urged a hint of desperation in her voice.

"I wanna know whats happened to my lad."

"Who told you?" She asked looking down at the floor, focusing on a stain that marked the carpet.

"I've seen him."

A look of surprise overcame her face as she brought her head up and made direct eye contact with him.

"You mean he's alive?" She responded her voice breaking with emotion.

"He's in one hell of a state Soph, how did this even happen?"

"You've found him." She stated in disbelief ignoring his previous sentence.

"He's in Holby."

"Can I see him? Please let me see him." She slightly pleaded taking hold of his hand.

He pulled her in closer to him wrapping his arms around her, before kissing her lightly on the head.

"I'm sorry princess, he didn't stick around long enough."

Wordlessly she pulled away from him and let out a sigh, she was used to this kind of disappointment when it came to her brother, she had had plenty of glimmers of hope but they always came to nothing.

The room seemed suddenly cramped and constricting so she made her way towards the front door.

"C'mon sweetheart, talk to me." He requested following her outside.

Slowly she sunk down onto the doorstep and took a deep breath in filling her lungs with the fresh air before pulling her knees up to her chin.

"I just want my brother back." She confided blinking back the tears that threatened to surface.

Slowly he lowered himself down onto the doorstep to join her, he had no idea how to respond to what she has said, he was in no position to make promises that he might not be able to keep.

"I really want to tell you that I'm going to find him and he'll be fine but..." He started.

"But you can't." She cut in her voice blunt and somewhat cold.

He exhaled loudly before placing an arm around her shoulders giving them a tight squeeze, she allowed herself to relax as she placed her head on his shoulders allowing the tears to fall once more.

"Ay, ay, I don't wanna see my best girl like this." He comforted rocking her slightly.

"John used to call me that." She reflected wiping at her eye.

"Just because he's... doesn't mean he loves you any less."

"Just because he's what? Go on say it."

"A drug addict." He mumbled his voice barely a whisper, hoping if he said it quietly it wouldn't count.

She nodded as way of confirmation, they both knew all too well however it felt needed.

"Get your coat." He instructed gesturing to the house.

"I'm not cold."

"I'm taking you out, I'm your dad and it's about time we did something together."He asserted as he patted his pockets in search of his car keys.

"What about John? I thought that's why you were here."

"There's nothing I can do for him right now, but if you'll let me be your dad again I won't let you down." He declared as he offered her his hand.

She looked at him for a moment or so considering his words, she had remembered a few years ago how he promised to never let her down but here they were three years later their lives so different.

"I know Alan has probably been more of a dad to you these past few years but..."

"No Dad, it's just me and mum now." She admitted.

"Oh princess." He sympathised, she had been through so much.

"Keep your promise this time." She nodded as she got to her feet before retrieving her coat from the house.

"So where to?" He smiled unlocking the car door.

"I know just the place."

Fifteen minutes later they arrived outside a restaurant, it had a sense of class about it a far cry from some of the places that he and Dixie went to back in Holby.

"Your tastes aren't cheap." He laughed as he looked around.

"Well you have a lot of catching up to do." She winked before leading him in.

They headed in and he looked around the room, it didn't seem as nice on the inside as it did on the outside, obviously the outside was a ploy to get people in.

"Well, well, well look who it is." Came a familiar male voice from behind him.

Quickly he turned on his heel to face the person, he looked him up and down a few times.

"Of all the places in the entire world I bump into you here." He stated in disbelief.

"He was my wing man." The man said to Sophia a cheeky grin across his face.

"No I'll think you'll find he was mine." Jeff corrected.

"You know that's not true goose." He winked as cheeky as he ever was.

**A/N: I'll leave you guessing as to who the character is, I put him in by special request off one of my lovely reviewers although it probably isn't all that hard to figure out, we shall see next chapter.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I dedicate this story to Gilliankerneyfan, as I know how much you like this character.**

Jeff smiled in amusement, it seemed strange after nearly a year after his departure that he would bump into him.

"Good to see you, Doctor Slick."

"Or you can just call me Adam."

Sophia glanced Adam up and down a few times, she was mesmerised by how tall and handsome he came across.

"So Jeff is this your daughter?"

She quickly looked away upon realisation that she was staring, blushing slightly as she did so. She nervously smiled at him before breaking out into a nervous laugh.

Jeff look at her in disbelief, Adam had that affect on a lot of women. He painted on a false smile and pretended that he hadn't noticed her starry eyed expression.

"Aren't you going to say hello?"

She nervously bit her lip, her cheeks burning with embarrassment as she lifted her hand to wave.

"Oh so she's a shy one."

Jeff nodded in agreement, even he had to admit there was something about those brown eyes. Once he'd even caught Dixie giving him a second glance and that took skill.

Adam looked over to the corner, waving to a woman sat in the corner.

"Hey, come meet my girlfriend."

Jeff looked over in the direction in which he was pointing. This woman was blonde, different to his usual choice of brunettes, she was wearing daisy duke style shorts and her chest seemed in danger of spilling out of her tight top as well as having overdone it with the fake tan.

"So let me guess, it was her charm and charisma that drew you to her?"

Adam chuckled to himself, he had a point compared to Kirsty and Jessica, this one was certainly a walk on the wild side.

"Met her three weeks ago and let me tell you it has been one whirlwind romance."

"Wish I had your luck mate."

"Well Jeff, after I left I decided to be spontaneous."

Sophia tucked her hair behind her ears smiled in his direction, before contributing.

"How spontaneous?"

Adam looked from side to side a few times, to make sure no one was looking before poking out his tongue to reveal a piercing.

Jeff clasped his hand over his mouth to suppress a laugh that was threatening to escape, he had seen many ridiculous things in his life but Adam Trueman with a tongue piercing, now that was unexpected.

"Bloody hell mate."

Adam laughed, he enjoyed the way his piercing threw people. He was the last person anyone would expect to have one and that was the fun of it.

"Well, it's only half as unusual as marrying a lesbian."

He quickly stopped laughing upon noticing the look of confusion on Sophia's face and the look of horror on Jeff's.

"Dad?"

She looked straight at him, putting him directly on the spot.

"Now that would be unusual." He repeated looking over at Adam, for backup.

"Uh yeah, that's me Jeff, bizarre imagination."

"He always was crazy."

"Yeah no one I know has married a lesbian."

She looked at Jeff and turned her gaze to Adam before turning her attention back to Jeff. She read their facial expressions, noting their nervousness before shrugging in acceptance.

"It's not that funny."

"Polly always used to say, if you got me and Adam together we were the unfunniest double act ever."

"We protested a little but we couldn't deny it."

Jeff released a breath he hadn't realised he was holding as relief swept through him, the last thing he needed was to have to explain to Sophia about his unconventional marriage.

"So Adam me old son, introduce us to that girlfriend of yours."

Adam nodded, relieved that his comment hadn't spiralled out of control. He gestured for them to follow him to the table where the woman was sat.

Upon noticing them she looked up at Adam in search of an introduction.

"Qui sont-ils?"

Sophia and Jeff exchanged looks at confusion before looking at Adam for explanation.

"What was that?"

"I'm not sure I can't speak French." He shrugged to signal he didn't know.

"And she's your girlfriend?"

"That's right."

"Does she speak English?"

"Not a word." He said as if it was the most everyday thing in the world.

"Well I aint being funny mate, but how do you communicate?"

Adam took a seat next to his girlfriend and pointed to her.

"Anna?"

"Oui?"

"Jeff, Sophia." He introduced talking in a louder than what was needed tone.

"Blimey Adam she's French not deaf." Jeff pointed out, a look of amusement on his face.

Adam lifted up Anna's empty glass off the table, she nodded in response to signal she wanted another one.

"Right to the bar Jeffrey." He announced getting to his feet.

Sophia watched as her father and Adam walked over to the bar area, she lingered for a few seconds smiling at Anna, Sophia had taken Spanish as a language at school so her French skills were limited.

"Hello." Anna nervously offered her strong French accent shining through.

Well that seemed to be off to a good start, Sophia knew what Hello was in French.

"Bonjour."

Anna patted the chair next to her for Sophia to sit down. She joined her at the table, she looked at her for a while hoping she knew some more English, however it was clear her vocabulary didn't extend past hello.

Jeff looked over from the bar area at his uncomfortable looking daughter, she was trying to communicate with hand gestures but Anna didn't seem to understand where she was coming from.

The sound of Adam placing down a pint in front of him diverted his attention to face the young doctor.

"So I see conversation is really flowing between the two of them."

"She's a great girl Jeff, you know I can see her in my life for the foreseeable."

Jeff shook his head in disbelief, Adam had had quite a few complicated relationships since he had known him but this was the most confusing by far.

"Well I aint denying she's a looker but..."

"I've got Google translate on my phone, so there are ways around these things."

Jeff took a sip from the glass in attempts to avoid giving another opinion, he didn't want to come across as sceptical, after all he was all too familiar with the concept of complicated love.

"Between you and I, the only words that are really needed are, voulez vous cocher avec moi ce soir?"

"And preferably you would need to know the difference between oui and non."

"And I do, so there you go." He grinned as an extremely smug look came across his face.

"Good for you mate." He replied trying his best to sound sincere.

Adam looked over at Anna and offered her cheeky wink before looking at Sophia.

"Hey Jeff, you've got a son as well right?"

Jeff visibly flinched at the mention, he had temporarily pushed him to the back of his mind and now it was at the forefront once more. He picked up the glass in front of him taking a large gulp and then another one before slowly nodding.

This was not something that had escaped Adam's notice, it somehow reminded him of himself. Whenever anyone mentioned Harry to him, he always used to have that affect of clamming up, it was always any excuse to avoid talking about it.

He continued to observe as Jeff downed the contents of his glass, maybe if it was anyone else they may not have picked up on the subtle change of behaviour, but Adam had had experience on the delicate matter of something happening to a child.

"So, what happened?"

He looked up from studying the empty glass to face him, he had been taken off guard by the mention of John however he hadn't expected Adam to have picked up on this.

"Ay?"

"C'mon this is me you're talking to."

"It's nothing really." He dismissed pretending to watch the television that was playing in the corner.

"I don't buy into it."

"He's my lad, how can I even begin to talk about something like that?"

Adam exhaled loudly, if losing his baby had taught him anything it was how powerful a love for a child could be. He experienced heart wrenching emotions when Harry died, he missed Lucas and Amelia when they left with Jess and he would've gone to great lengths to have protected Nita in the same way he would've done for Kirsty.

"Just say it how it is, just present me with the facts."

"Addicted to heroin." He merely replied, that was all that was needed.

Adam nervously chewed his bottom lip, he had of course spoken to parents whose children had been addicted to drugs, but this was no ordinary case, this was a friend's son.

"You know its funny, you're trained for years to handle situations like these and would quite often see it on a daily basis, yet as soon as it's someone you know all that knowledge goes out the window."

"Tell me about it." He agreed, it felt good to talk to someone about it.

"Plenty of addicts get clean you know, with the right support."

"I'll have a job on, considering I don't know where he is."

"You need to get out there and search."

"I've been out there day after day, night after night, it's no use." He emphasised, frustrated with the situation.

"You know, I would give anything for Harry to still be here, if searching the streets day in day out until I found him meant he was still here I would do it."

"Do you know what it's like, searching for him and to find nothing then return home to no one?" He challenged.

"The way I see it mate, is you will always have her, all you've got to do is ask and she'll be there."

Once again Jeff found him surprised by Adam's empathy, no one so far had noticed how he felt about Dixie yet Adam who had been gone a year had picked up on it.

"What if it's not enough?" "

"You honestly want my advice?"

"Sure why not?" He half heartedly agreed, it didn't matter either way. Nothing anyone could say would alter anything.

"You, don't need to find the answer to that question yet. What you need to be doing is putting your son first, Dixie will still be there after you have helped your son."

"Will she?"

"You two could walk through tornadoes together if you put your minds to it." He smiled in attempts to lighten the mood.

A look of realisation came across his face, Adam's words had made sense and he knew what he had to do.

"Right in that case I've got a promise to make."

"Good luck." Adam encouraged proud of himself.

Jeff approached his daughter once more, earlier on he had told her there was no guarantees that she would see her brother again yet now he was determined that he would reunite her with him.

"You're going to see your brother again." He stated, his voice confident.

She looked doubtful, she had always hoped he would come home but it seemed obvious that he didn't want to be found.

"You can't know that."

"I'm promising you, I will find him and you will see him again."

"I don't want you to make promises you can't keep."

"I'm telling you now princess, if it takes the rest of my life I will find that brother of yours and put him back on the straight and narrow."

With that Jeff turned on his heel and proceeded to leave the building, he had never meant anything more than what he did now.

"Don't leave it so long next time." Sophia shouted after him.

She knew for sure this time that he wouldn't let her down.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hooray the writers of casualty have based this week's episode around Dixie and Jeff, I have seen the promo video for it and it looks AMAZING. BBC 1, This Saturday at 21:30 eeeks !**

Dixie was angry, very angry. Yes she was tamping, she was nostril flaring, foaming at the mouth furious. She had a few choice words for the previous crew that did the last shift and she wouldn't hold back next time she saw them.

"I'll kill them, I'll bloody kill them."

She looked at the bucket of soapy water at her feet and hurled it at the ambulance, something she would like to do to the previous crew. Yes give them a good soaking before brutally beating them with the bucket after.

It had appeared on the last shout her colleagues had been pelted with eggs, no doubt off the Farmead estate.

The dirty tyres suggested they had driven to a very muddy location, judging by the smell probably a farm.

As well as the egg attack it would seem that some "aspiring artist." had decided to graffiti them a message.

That was just the outside it would seem her colleagues were big snackers. Well the crisp packets, sweet wrappers and pop cans littering the floor didn't just magically appear.

Dixie would have to give them some credit for their attempts of covering up the smell they had made, however it would seem the stench of fag ash was the more dominant than the pound shop's own brand air freshener that they had used.

She had wondered why they had seemed so eager to dash off, when she had arrived. Now she knew why.

She bent down and grabbed the sponge rubbing at the paint work, with each wipe she became more aggressive hoping to release the stress that had built up inside her.

She liked to think that every part of the ambulance she got clean symbolised a worry in her life.

She wiped the bonnet until it sparkled. She wanted to wipe away her doubts about Dawn and Jeff.

She cleaned the wing mirrors and then she could see the reflection clearly again. She wanted the same for herself, nothing seemed simple or straight forward anymore.

The hose pipe came out, spraying away the mud that clung to the tyres restoring them to their former glory. If only it was that simple for John, his addiction clung tight to him and it wasn't letting go.

She cleaned out the rubbish from ambulance stuffing it all in a bin liner and it was gone, the last thing she did was remove a banana skin that was draped over the sat-nav and with that it was in working order again. Yes the Sat- Nav could direct her anywhere but it couldn't direct her back to Jeff.

She sighed to herself and looked around the ambulance bay in search of Jeff, he had gone to London two days ago but she hadn't heard anything off him. The dog had been causing havoc with Dawn's allergies and Dixie had inevitably got the blame for this.

She had found the paramedic staff room to be empty, however it wasn't unheard of that they would occasionally venture into the main E.D one, to speak to the doctor's and nurses before their shift started.

She found her theory to be proved right upon finding him sat by the coffee machine, a blank look in his eyes and a cup of tea going cold in his hands. Big Mack sat chatting away in the corner telling one of his tall tales oblivious that Jeff had zoned out.

Mack looked over in her direction giving her a nod of understanding as he picked up his paper and made his way out to start his shift.

Lloyd who had been making himself a drink took note of Mack's actions and followed suit, after a firm talking to off Charlie on the previous shift he was on his best behaviour, how long this would last was anyone's guess.

Despite all this Jeff still didn't look up or react in any way, he looked washed out and exhausted.

"Are you alright kid?"

Startled he looked up to face her unaware of how long she had been stood there.

"How's little Abs?" He asked steering clear of any heavy talk.

"Well he's chewed up the cushions and there was an unfortunate incident involving Dawn's slippers but other than that he's just fine."

He managed a small smile for her before tipping what was left in the cup down the sink turning his back to her and taking a look out of the window.

"I'll take him back tonight, yeah?"

She watched him for a while before she replied, she had enjoyed having the canine with her. Dawn had been ill for the past two days yet somehow it seemed worth it, she had missed his playfulness and how he followed her everywhere she went.

"Yeah, go on then."

She placed her hands down into her pockets, exhaling loudly as she did so it was going to be another awkward shift by the way things were looking.

The staffroom door swung open, ripping through the awkward silence and diverting their attention.

Dylan strode in before throwing himself down onto the sofa in the corner, he made no attempts to greet them or even so much as make eye contact.

"Honestly it's like working in a zoo at times." He muttered to no one in particular, Dixie and Jeff couldn't tell whether he was having a bad day or was just being himself.

Dixie and Jeff exchanged confused glances, nobody could really understand Dylan. They broke each others gaze and looked over at Dylan before focusing on each other again, silently questioning whether they should speak to him before simultaneously shaking their heads in agreement that he was best left alone.

"Holby control to three zero six." Came the voice of the operator.

Dixie unclipped the radio from her belt without taking her eyes off Jeff, it was the first time in a while that they had been able to maintain eye contact without feeling awkward and she was reluctant to break it.

"Three zero six receiving."

Jeff watched as she took down the details off the operator. The previous night had been a long one, he had searched for John with his new found determination however it was tiresome and seemingly never ending, he just didn't want to be found.

Noting down the information she placed the radio back into her pocket.

"You ready then?" She asked before placing her hand lightly on his arm.

He tensed at the sudden gesture of affection, he glanced down just to be sure she had really done it. For so long they had been cold with each other. The term breaking the ice Sprung to mind. It was almost as if her warm touch was thawing the icy atmosphere.

He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, he had forgotten her previous statement all he could focus on was her touch.

She brought her gaze away from his arm to meet his eyes for the second time that day they held the contact for a prolonged amount of time, not even looking away when one of them blinked.

"I'm sure the patient's family will take great comfort in the fact that their relative didn't receive medical care because the paramedics chose to stare at each other instead." Dylan remarked looking up from the sofa.

"I wasn't staring at her."

"Well that's what you can write on the paperwork under the cause of death section."

"I wasn't..."

"Jeffrey move it." Dixie cut in jabbing him in the ribs as she did so.

She ran on ahead of him rushing out to the ambulance bay in desperate attempts to catch up the time lost.

"Hanging back to see her leave from behind, you can add that to the report as well." Dylan smirked enjoying the situation he had created.

Jeff sighed to himself before following on after Dixie, an enquiry looking into his time management wasn't worth the hassle for the sake of an argument with an arrogant doctor.

Jeff charged out the door after her, running into and almost knocking over Zoë in the process, he mumbled a rushed apology before proceeding onwards.

She readjusted her stethoscope before turning to face Dylan who was now using a patient's file as a coaster for his tea.

"What's with him?"

"Not enough sex if you ask me."

Dixie Slammed her foot down on the breaks bringing the ambulance to a screeching halt, jolting her and Jeff forwards in their seats before the belts pulled them sharply backwards.

"Caught up the time perfectly."

"Flipping heck Dix, are you trying to finish me off?"

"If it was left to you we wouldn't make any shouts."She replied as she hastily jumped out and swung the medical bag over her shoulder.

They followed the directions they were given and were lead to the third floor of the shopping mall, a security guard stood outside a clothes shop was there to greet them.

Dixie stepped forward and approached him for information on the patient.

"Right where's the emergency?"

"Through here, we've got them in the staff room."

Dixie and Jeff exchanged looks of confusion to one another, what would they be doing moving someone like that?

They proceeded through and were greeted to the sight of a teenage girl, shouting obscenities at the members of staff as well as being held down by three security guards.

"Whoa whoa, what the hell is going on here?" Jeff asked taken aback by the sight in front of him.

One of the security guards looked up to face him before pointing to a pile of merchandise from the shop in the corner.

"This young madam here has been shoplifting, almost fifty quids worth of clothes shoved in her handbag."

Dixie rolled her eyes in disbelief this was not worth all that effort they went to get here.

"Is she injured?"

"Well no."

"Seriously Ill?" Jeff contributed.

"No she's just been stealing."

"Then it's a matter for the police, c'mon Jeffrey we're off."

Jeff followed her orders opening the door and walking away from the scene of the chaos.

"Honestly the amount of time wasters we get, I'm sick of it."

"Isn't that my job, getting wound up?" He laughed in attempts to lift her mood.

"Eurghhh I could punch someone."

Before Jeff could respond a familiar American accent came from behind them, causing them to jump back in surprise.

"Oooh I can think of a few ways to work through those frustrations and I'll show you how tonight."

Dixie spun around and came face to face with her girlfriend.

"Dawn, what are you doing here?"

"I'll give you a clue." She replied gesturing to the bags of shopping in her hands.

"Oh right, we were just on a shout."

"I love a woman in uniform." She teased lowering her voice to a seductive level.

Jeff shoved his hands in his pockets to hide his clenched fists. A sudden thunderbolt of jealousy and annoyance had hit him and he was struggling to hide it.

Dixie felt her cheeks blush, she found Dawn incredibly alluring. She was incredibly flirtatious and everything from the way she moved her hips when she walked, to the cheeky glint in her blue eyes made Dixie want to tear her clothes off on the spot.

Yes there was a lot of lust in their relationship enough lust to sink a ship. It was always exciting with Dawn around and she always knew how to spice things up.

If Dixie thought about it that's what compelled her to accept the offer of moving in with her. She liked the thought of getting some action pretty much whenever she wanted, God knows Dawn is always keen but conversation was more often than not pillow talk, flirtatious teasing or seductive language.

She knew Dawn was just as attracted to her yet after reading that email Jeff had sent John, she couldn't quite imagine Dawn ever thinking and feeling even half of what he had described.

But then again she didn't think Jeff would either.

"How about I wear it home tonight?" She responded giving her a cheeky wink as she did so.

Jeff bit down on his tongue in restraint, if he wasn't careful he would say something he regretted. Adam had told him to put his feelings to Dixie on the backburner whilst John was in trouble.

Sounds good in theory yet in practice not so much.

Jeff was angered by how insensitive Dixie seemed to be, she had read what he wrote about her. So why was she doing this in front of him?

"How about we get a little bit tipsy first?" Dawn suggested moving in closer.

"Oooh so you want me half cut do you?"

"I find a few glasses of red really get me in the mood."

"In that case you better meet me in the pub after my shift."

"Great I'll get to see all those good looking nurses you were telling me about."

"Maybe if we ask one of them nicely, they'll join us in a..."

"Ok getting a little inappropriate now." Jeff cut in his tone raised.

"Sorry Jeff, you'll be there tonight won't you?"

"Of course he will, he never misses beer o'clock."

"Yeah sure." He reluctantly agreed, mentally cursing himself for putting Dixie before John once more.

"See you tonight then." Dixie said before leaning in for a kiss, causing Jeff to visibly flinch.

He looked away unable to watch, he focused on the music that was playing in the background. It was an old song by Yvonne Fair it was half way through, playing loudly through the speakers.

_"It should have been me  
>You know that it should have been me<br>You know that it should have been me  
>Darling, how could you do this to me?<br>People let me tell you now  
>It should have been me<br>Instead of her standing by you  
>You know that it should have been me"<em>

"Oh the irony."

Dixie came up for air and looked over at her husband.

"What was that love?"

"Oh nothing, just that I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with you and Dawn."

**A/N: I thought the song was perfect for that moment.**


	15. Chapter 15

John Collier lay face down on the cold concrete floor, blood slowly trickling from his nose. The ground was wet from the heavy rain the night before and the gravel grazed his face.

A forceful hand reached over and grabbed him firmly by the shoulder wrenching him upwards

"Don't mess me around Collier."

Rachel who had been watching on, stepped forwards flinging what little money she had at the man.

"Just take the money and go."

He dropped John as if he was a rag doll before laughing to himself, giving John a final kick in the side for satisfaction.

"Look at the pair of you, you're pathetic."

He reached into his pocket and produced a bag of white powder that the two teenagers desperately craved, he dangled it in front of Rachel's face taunting her with it.

John let out a groan as he tried to lift himself up yet failing as he slumped back down onto the floor.

Rachel forced herself to look at her boyfriend desperately trying to push the cravings to the back of her mind.

"What's it to be Rachel, your boyfriend or you're fix?"

"Just get lost." She screamed running over to where John lay.

"You'll regret that later."

She watched as the man walked casually away, unrepentant over the brutal deed he had just carried out.

"John, please talk to me." She pleaded gathering him up into her arms.

He looked up at her desperately trying to take a breath, the punches had come thick and fast leaving him defenceless.

He felt her begin to rock him causing him to cry out in pain.

"Im sorry, I'm sorry." She repeated over and over. John had been trying to protect her from the man and things had got nasty.

He lifted up his hand and tucked a length her brown hair behind her ears before stroking her cheek in attempts to comfort her.

"You always have to play the hero don't you?"

She looked around the area it was a level on the car parking building attached to the shopping centre, they had spent the past few nights there sheltering from the harsh weather.

She ran her fingers through his hair, he seemed to be getting a whole lot worse and his eyes were unfocused.

"I need to go find help."

He opened his mouth to protest but the words wouldn't come out only meaningless groans as his eyelids flickered closed.

"Keep them open John." She urged lightly caressing his cheek.

He forced them open to look at them, it was hard his eye lids felt heavy as if something was weighing them down.

She shrugged off her jacket and wrapped it around him before slowly releasing her hold on him.

"I'll be right back, just hold on yeah?" She reassured jumping to her feet.

She backed away keeping one eye on him, before turning and running. She sprinted down a flight of stairs desperately trying to find help.

Dixie and Jeff were walking out the building, bickering amongst themselves.

"You made a right fool out of yourself back there, everybody was watching."

"The only person making a big deal out of it was you."

"Yeah of course, two birds snogging in public, one in a paramedic's uniform, yeah you're right nobody turned a hair."

"What decade are you living in?"

"Ay, what you get up to is your business."

She came to a sudden stop, crossing her arms together and giving him a furious look.

"What I get up to?"

Jeff returned the look equally as savage, his heart wasn't in it though. The last thing he wanted to do was offend her or start any sort of argument. Their relationship of late was like a yo yo one minute it was up and then suddenly it went plunging down again.

"You listen here mate, I'm with Dawn and whatever it is that is making you behave like a school girl, cut it out."

"Oh I'm behaving like a school girl am I?"

"Yeah, yeah you are."

He shook his head, rolling his eyes as he did so.

"You're impossible."

"Don't start, the mood I'm in I could..."

"You could what?"

Ignoring his previous statement she forcefully pulled open the doors and made a point of throwing the medical bag in which landed with a clunk.

"Oh very mature."

"You're driving." She stated flinging the keys at him.

He exhaled loudly as they landed underneath the ambulance, he didn't have the energy to tell her to pick them up, he knew it would be pointless arguing with her. He got to his knees and searched under the ambulance patting at the ground until he felt them.

"Hurry up Jeff."

"Alright I've got them."

He got to his feet twirling the keys around on his finger to emphasise the point.

"Just get in." She replied opening the passenger side and proceeding to climb in.

The sound of the car parking lot's door crashing open caused them to look around and they could hear a female voice screaming for help.

Jeff looked at the girl for a moment or so studying her features, he couldn't be sure but she looked so familiar he was almost certain it was her.

Dixie was the first to find her voice, Jeff wasn't usually the type to freeze in situations like these.

"That's that girl John was with."

"Don't you think I don't know that?" He replied properly raising his voice for the first time that day.

A few bystanders on the street had gathered her asking her what had happened, Jeff ran over pushing past them to get to her.

"Alright could everyone move along, we're paramedics we'll sort this." He instructed keeping his tone calm and professional.

He waited for the crowd to move before he seized hold of her arm.

"Where's my son?"

Dixie came over placing her hand on his arm, trying to pull it away.

"Let her go Jeffrey."

He shrugged her hand off, tightening his grip on Rachel's arm.

"Not until she tells me where John is."

Tears welled up in her eyes as she stared down at the ground avoiding his icy glare.

"Look at her she's just a kid."

He looked at her and saw how young she looked, her features seemed weathered and worn and her figure was skinny and weak, she seemed a million miles away from the impression he got when he first saw her, she was just a vulnerable child trying to get by in the cruel world.

Slowly he released his grip on her his facial expressions softening.

"Listen princess, I aint trying to scare you but I just need to know where he is."

She tensed up looking away from them, John wouldn't want to be found. He had always insisted that he wanted to make his own way, would this be a betrayal?

She took a step back from them, nervously swallowing back the lump in the back of her throat.

"Let me handle this." Dixie warned before slowly walking towards the teenager.

She kept backing away, tempted to run.

"It's Rachel isn't it?"

She merely nodded in response, biting her bottom lip in nervous anticipation. John would go mad if she gave him away like this.

"I'm Dixie."

Once more she nodded she knew all about the woman that John's dad had married, from that email she had read it sounded like he was devoted to her. She wished her parents had been like that.

John had said to her that his dad was never one to take anything seriously, he was always more preoccupied with football and beer and his mother and him were constantly cheating on each other.

He said when he got the email he had realised his dad had finally seen the right path to take, he had shaped his life and future and that's how John knew he wasn't part of either parent's lives anymore.

"C'mon sweetheart, we only want to know where John is."

"You need to help him." She said her voice barely above a whisper, enough for Dixie to hear but still leaving Jeff in the dark.

"You need to tell us whats happened."

"He was attacked." She shared her voice breaking with emotion as the tears fell rapidly down her cheeks.

Jeff looked over from where he stood he had heard that loud and clear.

"What do you mean he was attacked?"

"Jeff for your son's sake you need to be calm."

"Calm how can I remain calm?"

"Just ignore him and look at me, tell me where he is." Dixie desperately urged.

Rachel took deep breath in her chest tightening, this was wrong she and John made a pact never to let each other down, she was literally leading his father to him.

"He's hurt, really hurt." She said aloud trying to convince herself.

Jeff stepped in he was never the type to beg for anything, he considered himself a man of pride but this was his child, this was different.

"Please Rachel just tell me where he is, I need to know, if you love him at all you'll tell me."

She gestured to the car parking lot, slowly nodding her head.

"Second floor."

Dixie and Jeff glanced up exchanging worried looks, she put her hand up signalling for Jeff to step back.

"Listen stay here and I'll look at him."

"What are you on about? that's my lad."

"Exactly."

"I need to do this."

She looked him in the eyes, concern filled her own as she impulsively reached out taking him by the hand.

"Prepare yourself for what might be up there."

She led him briskly to the entrance, leaving Rachel outside. They raced up the two flights of stairs dropping each other's hands when they reached the level.

Jeff looked around the level in search of him before spotting him in the far corner lying on his side, trying to get up.

The past few weeks of searching had been relentless and draining, he had kept hoping and hoping that he would find him and there he was.

He had rehearsed in his mind over and over what he would say and do but now he was just stood there rooted to the spot. He could see everything playing out in front of him, Dixie was knelt down beside him, treating him as if he was just an ordinary patient nothing ever fazed her and now was no exception.

She looked over to him her loud voice breaking his trance like state, bringing him crashing back down to reality.

"Its not as bad as it looks you know."

"How can you say that? Look at the state on him."

"Bruised ribs and mild concussion at an absolute worse."

"You gotta be joking right?"

"His pupils are dilated, he's as a high as kite and that's why he is so out of it

Getting over his shock he came across and knelt down beside them, taking a proper look at him.

"Look at the state on you, do you know how much you've hurt your sister?"

John mumbled something in response, it was incomprehensible to Jeff yet the look on his wife's face showed she had heard.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing of any importance."

"I told you to piss off." He slurred raising his voice to be heard.

Ignoring his son's previous statement he turned to face Dixie.

"Is it safe to move him?"

"Yeah let's get a board up here and get him in."

"Why waste time?"

Jeff grabbed him forcefully by the arm rolling him over onto his side, grabbing hold of his legs and pinning him down.

"I hope you're not about to do, what I think you're about to do."

"I can't read your mind."

He proceeded onwards lifting him slightly off the ground.

"Put him down!"

He ignored her before getting to his feet with John lifted up into his arms before repositioning over his shoulder.

"Don't you dare go any further."

"I'm going further."

"The fireman's lift is not the correct way to transport a patient."

"Sorry can't hear you." He mocked making his way out the building, John weakly kicking his legs in a half hearted attempt to escape.

"Jeffrey I'm warning you!"

"Warning heard, loud and clear."

She sighed to herself before following on after him, he could be reckless at times, he really could.

They exited the building, to find Rachel still stood there waiting for John.

"Is he ok?" She desperately pleaded.

Jeff merely nodded climbing into the back of the ambulance carelessly dropping John down onto the gurney and tightly strapping him in.

"Does he really need to be buckled in that much?" Dixie questioned crossing her arms in disapproval.

"I feel it's appropriate."

"It's not as if he's going anywhere, he's too weak to even stand."

Before Jeff had a chance to respond John lifted up his hand and started crying out for Rachel.

"I'm here." She reassured pushing past Dixie and clambering onto the ambulance.

"Give them a minute Jeff."

"No, no chance." He insisted shaking his head.

"What do you think she's going to do slip him away without us noticing?"

"Has anyone ever told you that sarcasm..."

"Is the lowest form of wit? Yeah very funny now move out the way." She cut in, a look of warning in her eyes.

Reluctantly he did as ordered backing out of the ambulance yet keeping his eyes on John the whole time.

Rachel clutched his hand before running her finger's through his hair.

"It's going to be fine, I'll be here the whole time."

He shook his head in disagreement letting go of her hand.

"No."

"John please."

"They'll send you home."

"I need to be with you."

"It wont be long I'll come find you."

Tears welled up in her eyes as she buried her head in his chest sobbing into it.

"Please just go."

"I can't do this on my own."

"It wont be long I'll find you." He repeated once more.

She raised her head and glance behind her before taking a deep breath in before nodding.

"Ok." She agreed her voice barely above a whisper.

"Be brave."

She looked at him once last time before placing a brief kiss on his lips.

"Go now."

Wordlessly she turned on her heel and jumped out the ambulance, she was too quick for Dixie and Jeff to stop as she pounded the pavement running as fast as she could. As she turned the corner she slowed down into a brisk walk, her heart beating out of her chest.

She walked around in a haze for quite some time before dropping to her knees and once again she was alone.


	16. Chapter 16

Dixie looked over to where Jeff was sat, they were in the relative's room of the E.D. Several hours had gone by and they had hardly said a word to one another.

"I cancelled tonight, I said I'd stay here with you."

He didn't look up, his response was distant almost as if she was talking to a stranger.

"Don't stay on my account."

She drummed her fingers on the table in front of her, trying to think of something to say. Nothing seemed to run smoothly anymore. They would work towards moving forward, then one cross word and it would be back to square one, otherwise known as the awkward silences and defensive manners.

"Do you mind?" He snapped looking up to face her.

Immediately she stopped placing her hands on her lap. She looked around the room several times in search of something to distract. A glossy magazine lay tattered on the seat next to her, it had been thumbed to within an inch of its life and was about six months out of date but it would do the job nicely.

She looked at the cover in disinterest. She wasn't into celebrity gossip or what not to wear this season. She found it shallow and superficial.

The headline was an exclusive interview with some celebrity she didn't recognise. It was probably some Z lister off reality TV searching for their fifteen minutes of fame. They were talking about the trauma of their latest break up. Dixie doubted they would be upset for long considering the big cash payout they would receive.

She flicked through until she came to the horoscope section, she tutted to herself. She found the whole thing a load of rubbish. Cyd always used to believe in it but Dixie wasn't fooled. She read through anyway for the sake of passing the time.

_**Daily Horoscopes.**_

_**Today will be all about choices and taking action. You will find yourself revaluating your relationships whether it is friendship or love. In order to move forward changes will have to be made. **_

She suddenly closed the magazine exhaling deeply as she did so.

"It's out of date anyway." She reassured herself before picking up a magazine on real life.

Maybe other people's weird life stories would put her own into perspective?

**Tales of Reality: Top Story of the month.**

**Lesbian for thirty years! Now I have a husband, but what would my girlfriend say about this?**

"Well that's made up." She dismissed throwing it to the side before choosing another.

**Dog Lovers Weekly.**

**Why Golden retrievers make the perfect pet.**

"Don't need to convince me." She said to herself placing it down with the rest.

The sound of the door creaking open caused the pair to look up and in walked Charlie, a sympathetic look across his face. It was the usually the doctors that spoke to the relatives although it seemed the responsibility had been shifted to the senior nurse. No doubt the others had been less than eager to talk to their colleague about his son's drug problem.

Jeff got to his feet without so much as glancing in her direction.

"How's he doing?"

Charlie slowly nodded a look of sympathy in his eyes. He had chosen not to dwell on the fact that the once inseparable friends were sat on opposite sides of the room to one another.

"He's in a lot of discomfort."

Jeff in response thought for a moment before staring across and focusing on a poster that was pinned to the wall.

"No offence mate but cut the crap, do you think I've never treated a junkie before?"

"Jeffrey!" Dixie spoke up giving Charlie an apologetic look.

"Well it's bleeding obvious aint it? The withdrawal symptoms have set in and now he's on his way down."

Charlie never considered himself the type to shy away from the truth, if his colleague wanted the facts, he wasn't going to deny him them.

"Well if were putting it in those terms, then yes."

Dixie slowly rose from and chair and walked over to where the two men were stood.

"How is his body coping?"

Charlie looked unsure for a moment, he looked at Jeff in search of reassurance.

"Say what you want in front of her." He shrugged.

"Well the symptoms we're most worried about are the rapid heart rate, the severe sickness and his temperature is higher than what we'd like it to be."

"Give me a full picture."

"It's taken quite a toll mentally as well."

Jeff slowly shook his head, trying to process what he was hearing.

"Now these will wear off but he is very confused and it would seem he's been having hallucinations."

"Can I see him?"

"I'm afraid you won't get a lot out of him, it was agreed that the best way to shield him from he affects was to sedate him."

"Right." He agreed, slightly overwhelmed.

"He's in Resus, we'll keep him in for a few hours to monitor his response and then we'll move him up to the ward."

"Cheers mate." He sighed attempting a half hearted smile.

"Take all the time you need."

With one final glance of the room Charlie headed back out into the hustle and Bustle of the department in search of another patient he could assist.

It was a while before either of them spoke. Jeff stared blankly at the thick door that separated him from his son. Never before had a door seemed so daunting. In many ways he wanted to charge right through it and be with his son. In other ways it was a protective barrier distancing him from what was about to come.

The decision was taken out of his hands as Dixie took a step forward opening the door for him.

"One step at a time ay?"

He left himself no time to hesitate as he put his first foot forward before briskly exiting the room.

His co workers didn't look over in fact they made a huge effort not to. Some pretended to read patient files. Others took an interest in an X ray of somebody else's patient, the phone didn't ring but still it was answered. They'd been trained for situations like this one but now it was personal they didn't know what to say.

The only one that was watching him was Dixie. She remained where she was looking on as he made his way to Resus.

Once he was out of sight all eyes were then on her. This was something they couldn't ignore. Each of them waited for a while, waiting for her to follow on after him but she didn't. She just stood there as if she was some sort of outsider.

She pulled the door closed behind her, flashing her friends an insincere smile as she did so. She looked over in the direction of Resus before turning her gaze to the exits.

Everybody was expecting her to choose Resus.

She would've expected it herself.

She wondered what her colleagues would be thinking. No doubt she probably looked selfish and uncaring. God knows she felt it.

She was never one to care what people thought of her. This was the thought she kept in mind as she walked through the exits and out into the cold.

She shivered slightly as the cold air hit her. She pulled up the zip of her coat and headed towards the ambulance bay.

The sound of arguing from inside caught her attention, it sounded quite heated.

Pushing open the door she came face to face with two members of the team, stood opposite each other having a furious argument.

"Hey, whats going on here?" She demanded bringing the conflict to an immediate end.

Their names were Jodie and Andrew, they were both new to the department and Dixie had made them partners.

Jodie stared down at the ground whilst Andrew looked to the side.

"Well c'mon then."

Andrew was the first to find his voice.

"The way this is, doesn't work."

"Care to expand on that?"

Jodie looked up in attempts to back him up.

"What he means is working twelve hours together in such close quarters is too much, we never work with anyone else it just gets too intense."

"She's right Dixie, things need to change. We're driving each other mad."

Dixie thought for a moment, taking on board what they were saying.

"Yeah you're right."

"We are?" They replied in unison stunned by her support.

"You're right things do need to change, the rota needs a complete over haul."

"So what is going to happen?"

"Affective immediately, Jodie will work with me and Andrew will work with Jeff."

"You would do that, break away from Jeff?" Andrew asked surprised by her choice.

"Yes, like you said it's good to work with other people."

"Do you realise you'll hardly see him?"

"Like you said things need to change."


	17. Chapter 17

The small hospital room felt cramped and suffocating almost as if the walls would close in. The bright lights from the corridors were a stark contrast to the darkness of the room, with nothing but the flashing lights from the machines for light.

This was how it had been throughout the night.

Jeff rubbed furiously at his eyes in a desperate attempt to stay awake. The night was soon passing judging by the sky, which had lightened from dark black to a grey tinted blue.

Jeff repositioned himself in the plastic chair by his son's bedside. He had stayed with him the entire time, nothing could've dragged him away.

He watched him for a while, taking in all his features. He had had some many hopes for John.

"You've certainly been keeping me on my toes."

He hesitantly brought out his hand to brush away the strands of hair that was covering his son's eyes. It had obviously been a while since his last hair cut.

He was asleep now, he no longer seemed so desperate and the look of desire for his fix was gone.

One drug had been replaced with another.

To Jeff this was the lesser of two evils, surely being medically sedated was more orthodox than what he had been taking?

He pulled away the blanket that had been covering his arms. If it wasn't for those ugly marks, no one would know. Jeff wasn't going to ignore this. Lightly he placed his fingertips on the limp arm, running them up and down tracing every mark and line.

He looked worse than what he had when he had first seen him a few weeks previously. Despite the IV drip pumping the fluids back into him, he was still a ghostly pale.

Jeff wondered how he had coped living in such rough conditions. A million questions seemed to whirl around in his mind. He clasped his hand over his mouth fighting the tears that had threatened to surface.

"Was I really that bad a father?"

Still John made no response, it was as if he was deliberately refraining from waking up.

He wondered if he was dreaming, thinking of an ideal world? Maybe the alternative reality was so good he wanted to stay there forever?

Jeff knew the feeling all too well.

Quickly he pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind and focused on the rise and fall of his chest.

The machines confirmed that he was indeed breathing yet he couldn't trust them. It was his responsibility to look out for him.

That was a task no form of technology would ever master.

"What's going on in that head of yours?"

Once more all he got was the beeping of the monitors and the flash of lights.

"I'll admit, at times over these past few years you and your sister were the last thing on my mind."

He held his breath waiting for something to happen, the words were out and he had said them. He knew they were the truth and he could no longer deny how he had sidelined them.

Nothing happened, his words just hung in the air and fell on deaf ears. He'd said them aloud and nothing had changed.

He proceeded onwards regardless, he was going to talk even if John couldn't hear.

Jeff needn't have worried as he was right, John was dreaming and his family issues were nowhere in sight.

_Flashback._

_John was nervous incredibly nervous. This was made worse by the fact that he was stood in the middle of a toy shop._

_He looked to his side, two children were operating the model train set._

"_Oh God this is wrong." He said to himself chewing his bottom lip._

_He had stolen a few swigs out of his step father's snobby wine collection but it had hardly touched the sides._

_Not like it used to._

_Paranoia that eyes were upon him suddenly arose so he pretended to look at the display of hot wheels next to him._

_He picked one up and inspected it._

_He used to own many of them when he was younger. He would play with them for hours on end._

_His favourite one in particular was a red one with flames printed on the side of it. He even had the ramps and tracks to go with it._

_He always used to pester his father to play with him and he did, they used to pretend they were race car drivers and Jeff would pretend he was a commentator putting on an over enthusiastic voice as they raced the toys cars around the living room. _

_A slight smile formed as he thought back. Those games were always pretty much the same, his car always won the race and at the time the thought never occurred to him that his dad had simply let him win._

_He could see it so vividly, his mum and sister sat on the sofa looking on in annoyance that they were scuffing up the carpet and blocking their view of the television._

_A firm hand on his shoulder brought him back around to the present moment, throwing him off guard for second._

"_Trip down memory lane is it?"The mocking voice hissed wrenching the toy from his grip and placing it carelessly back on the display._

_He turned around to face the person, he was three years older than him and they knew each other from various "parties" that John would attend._

"_It was you that arranged to come here."_

_He laughed in response as if amused by the situation loving every minute of John's anxiousness._

"_It's not funny we're in a toyshop, a bloody toyshop!"_

"_Try and keep your cool."_

"_How can I stay calm when you're about to give me..." He started before being cut off._

"_Are you trying to get caught? Do you want everyone hear to know what you're up to?"_

_He shook his head before staring down at his shoes. The only word he could think of to describe this situation was shameful._

"_Why are we doing this here? It's sick."_

"_I like to keep things interesting and no one would ever be looking out for this sort of thing in a place like this."_

_John let out a nervous laugh, this bloke was somewhat mad and that's what made him so clever._

_The other lad looked over across the room glancing at a girl who had just entered. Like John she seemed out of place, her brunette hair was in a mess and had been scraped back into a pony tail. Her posture was tense as she looked across the room plus she was short at probably just over five foot. John guessed she was probably around the same age as him._

_She nodded to him. She made no effort to smile, leaving John with the impression she was here for the same reason as him and was just as disgusted with the meeting place._

_She picked up a fast pace crossing the room to face them._

"_You're one sick bastard Tommy." She spat her nostrils flaring slightly._

"_John this is Rachel as you can tell she is a ray of sunshine." He introduced unfazed by her insult._

_John smiled weakly at her, if he wasn't feeling uncomfortable before he certainly was now._

_Tommy glanced around the room a few times before pulling them in closer._

"_Now I trust you both have the money?"_

_Neither of them spoke, both opting for a simple shake of the head._

_Tommy painted on a false grin. If he knew anything about swaps like this, it was to avoid shiftiness and adapt to the surroundings like he was meant to be there._

"_Money first." He demanded disguising it with an upbeat tone._

_Rachel was the first to deliver placing her hand in her pocket and handing over a twenty pound note._

"_No prizes for guessing how you got that."_

_She shot him a savage look before placing out her hand._

_He clasped hold of her hand and held it for a second or two. To a passer by it would have looked like a warm handshake between friends._

_John continued to observe as he released her grip, slowly she brought her hand down and stuffed it into her pocket._

_Tommy repeated the action with John, switching over the money for the small bag without so much as turning a hair._

"_Don't go killing yourselves, if you take too much it aint my problem."_

_With that he turned and walked away whistling as he did so, to him it was another successful deal with two desperate addicts._

_The atmosphere was tense, John and Rachel stood in awkward silence embarrassed to look at one another._

_He shifted his balance from one foot to the other, he didn't exactly know what to say or whether he should say anything at all._

_He brought her eyes up to face her, the hardened look still dominated her features. He saw this as something to go on._

"_Give us a smile princess."_

_She looked him in the eyes, despite the lack of smile it had had some sort of affect._

"_It's Rachel."_

"_Lovely name it is too."_

_She shook her head in disbelief, of all the times she had been in situations like these ,this had to be the most bizarre._

"_Are you for real?"_

"_Too right in fact the best looking character off friends was called Rachel."_

"_I'm more of a How I Met Your Mother girl."_

"_I'll watch any crap as long its American and a sitcom."_

_She gestured his clenched fist in which he was concealing what had just been given to him._

"_It's a shame that crap TV isn't your only guilty pleasure."_

_Suddenly he tightened his grip around it almost as if his life depended on it. He quickly placed it into his trouser pocket, pushing it down to make sure it was secured._

"_That's how it is, you forget for a second and when you remember it hits you twice as hard." She expressed her tone softening._

_He ran his hand along his pocket unable to leave it alone, he had to know it was there._

"_I know the feeling." She said taking a step away from him and slowly retreating._

_He watched her walk away, she was the first person he had met that knew what he was going through. Of course there were the people who introduced him to it but he barely knew them, just some strangers off an estate who he got high with. She was different._

_She didn't get far, she'd been looking straight ahead and had missed the object blocking her path sending her tumbling to the ground._

_To her it was an embarrassing incident to John it was a golden opportunity._

_He was by her side within a blink of an eye offering her his hand and a sympathetic smile._

"_Don't try and be gentlemanly it don't wash with me." She rejected getting to her feet unaided._

"_It was worth a shot."_

"_What did I slip on anyway?"_

_He looked down before bending to down to pick up the box she had slipped on._

_He passed it to her._

"_Some sort of doll."_

_She studied it for a while a small smile gracing her lips. It was a Barbie, her blonde hair was immaculate as ever, her blues eyes seemed to be looking straight at her, the pink lips smiling up at her along with the pink dress making her look like a princess._

"_I used to have loads of these." She shared looking over to John._

"_Did you?"_

"_Yeah I used to comb their hair for hours on end and me and mum used to make them clothes."_

"_How did you do that?"_

"_Mum had a sewing machine she used to cut up old clothes that didn't fit me anymore before she..."_

_Suddenly she went quiet placing the doll back on the display with the rest._

"_Before she?"_

"_Died."_

"_Oh I'm sorry."_

"_It doesn't matter now it's been so long." She dismissed before making her way towards the exit._

_He called after her._

"_Will I see you again?"_

_She paused at the exits a thoughtful look across her face._

The dream was cruelly cut short as her voice was soon replaced by his father's. He was no longer in the toyshop he was an unfamiliar bed attached to a drip.

He turned his head and came face to face with his father once more.

He groaned he would've given anything to have been back in that moment for just a while longer.


	18. Chapter 18

Over the other side of the city, Jeff was not alone in not having any sleep the night before.

Dixie sat on the bottom of the stairs with Little Abs curled up on her lap. She had only intended to sit there for a few minutes the night before but Little Abs had fallen asleep on her.

Little Abs didn't live up to his name sake.

He was a big dog way too heavy to lift off.

She knew she could've woken him up but climbing into bed with Dawn was just not something she could face.

Not when all she could think of was Jeff and John.

She had altered the rota immediately after her chat with Jodie and Andrew, today was her first day of working without Jeff.

Of course he wouldn't notice this immediately she had booked him the rest of the week off to be with John.

She ran her hand along his soft coat making the most of the time she had with him before he went back to Jeff.

"You won't judge me will ya mate?"

The sleeping dog swished his tail slightly as he began to awake.

"If you could talk what would you say?"

"He'd probably answer your question." Came a familiar voice from behind her.

"Sleep well?"

Dawn secured her dressing gown as she made her way to join her girlfriend on the bottom step.

"Have you been down here all night?"

"Should you be so close to the dog?"

"Not really but if you wont come to me, I'll come to you."

Dixie turned to face her, placing a hand on her knee as a gesture of appreciation.

"This came for you yesterday." Dawn said producing a letter from her pocket.

Taking the envelope off her, she inspected it reading the printed logo before placing it down once more.

"Is this a traditional British custom? Because where I'm from we open envelopes, it makes it easier to see whats inside them."

"Well I guess that's just the American way." She smiled taking part in the joke.

"Seriously though what's with the caution?"

"No caution it's just a letter off my Asthma specialist."

"Just?"

"Yes Dawn, just."

The last thing Dixie wanted was an appointment with Doctor Whateverhisnameis, to be grilled about whether she was using her inhalers properly, taking the preventers everyday or having her peak flow measured.

She knew all the answers to the above questions.

Her emergency reliever was somewhere in one of her jackets, she had been planning to look for it for quite some time now.

Jeff always used to remind her to take the preventers.

And the peak flow measurement probably wasn't as high as Doctor Whateverhisnameis expectations.

She didn't need a doctor lecturing her on the consequences of being irresponsible with her Asthma.

"Maybe you should go?"

"I'm not a child I can manage my own health, thank you very much."

"If you say so."

Dixie glanced her watch as she lightly pushed the dog off.

"I better get ready for work."

"Looks like you already are." She replied gesturing to the paramedic's uniform that she hadn't changed out of the night before.

Usually she would always change out of it after a shift because of all the mess she would come across however all she did yesterday was attend a wasted call at a shopping centre, sit in a relative's room for hours on end before changing the rota and returning home to have a dog fall asleep on her.

She got to her feet and wiped away the dog hairs off her trousers.

Dawn stepped away from the Golden Retriever to join Dixie.

"Why couldn't we go out last night?"

Dixie for a moment was thrown, she hadn't expected Dawn to question her on the subject.

"Jeff had a migraine."

It was a poor excuse and Dawn seemed unconvinced.

"I guess I'll see you tonight then."

Dawn sighed, a look of frustration present on her face. She turned and headed back upstairs, she always felt second best when it came to Jeff.

"Ay don't be like that."

She paused midway however she didn't turn to face her.

"Like what?"

Dixie thought for a second, she wasn't entirely sure why she had said it. In truth it was her that was being the awkward one.

There was a painfully long awkward silence, before Dawn eventually turned to face her.

There eyes met and they held each others gaze for a few seconds both of them unsure of what to say.

In the end they said nothing, Dawn walked back down to rejoin her at the bottom and they kissed. As always it was over the top, very lustful and undeniably exciting but it wasn't special.

Dixie offered a smile in which Dawn returned and with that she and her festering guilt left the house.

The drive to work was spent feeling agonising over Dawn and Jeff. She had torn her friendship apart and had neglected her relationship.

Dawn could give her something that she didn't have with Jeff. That was her reasoning when she moved out but Jeff loved her in a way that Dawn didn't.

She quickly shrugged these thoughts off when she pulled up outside the E.D.

Mr Jordan had been unloading his car when she walked past him causing him to look up.

"Dixie, can I have a few minutes in my office?"

She mentally cursed herself for parking so near the head of department's car, of course he was going to want to know the score after yesterday.

"Well uh the ambulances need..."

"They need?" He prompted glancing his watch as he did so.

"The ambulances need counting."

At that moment she could've kicked herself, she had said plenty of stupid things in her time although none them could top that.

"While you're at it you can get me a roll of film for my digital camera."

"But digital cameras don't need..." She started before trailing off.

He tried to hide a smile that was forming, he had heard his fair share of pathetic excuses but that one was so bad it was good.

"C'mon five minutes, I can assure you that the number of ambulances is the same today as it was yesterday."

"I don't know what you're getting at here."

"Listen I'm not here to interrogate you, I treated John yesterday I know what is going on."

"Ok I'm going to make this short."

She wasn't going to beat around the bush it needed to be said. He wanted answers and she was going to give them to him.

Meanwhile Jeff was stood outside John's hospital room, listening to the doctor's diagnosis.

"Mr Collier as you know the withdrawal symptoms have impacted hard on your son's health."

He merely nodded, he wondered what the doctor thought of him.

Was she judging him?

Did she think that he'd failed as a father?

She proceeded onwards, straightening her stethoscope in the process.

"We've put him on a lower dose of sedation, he will be drowsy for the next few hours but it will control the effects."

"What can I do long term? He can't keep being knocking out every time he gets a craving."

"We'll monitor him for the next few days and keep up the fluids then an assessment will need to be made, after that we'll take it from there."

Once more he only nodded, that sounded like something he would say to relatives when he didn't know what could be done to help their loved one.

"I recommend you go home and get some sleep, you won't get a lot out of him when he's like this."

Absent minded he peered through the glass to look in on him, a few short minutes ago he was awake and screaming out for Rachel. Screaming at the top of his lungs like he was in pain and begging him for something to take the feelings away. Now he was out cold once more as if he hadn't awoken in the first place.

In the reflection he could see the doctor behind him studying her clipboard. She had to be at least in her mid thirties.

"You got kids?"

She looked up from the board lowering her glasses to look at him.

"A son and a daughter they're twins."

"I bet they're not high on drugs at any opportunity they get."

She offered him a light smile, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder giving it a firm squeeze.

"Hang in there, you can get him through this."

"Cheers princess, you aint bad for a doctor."

She chuckled.

"For a doctor?"

"Just a bit of friendly rivalry."

The conversation was brought to an end as her pager bleeped, signalling she was needed elsewhere.

"You'll have to excuse me, try and get some sleep you're no use to John if you're sleep deprived."

He waited until she was out of sight and around the corner before he slipped back into John's room.

"Alright mate I'm going to head off, I'll be back soon."

He wandered over to the bed, for a moment he was hesitant as he reached out running his fingers through his hair.

"I love you son." He said leaning down and kissing him on the forehead.

Backing away from the bed he looked at him until he came to the door, slowly pressing down on the door handle in hopes of prolonging the moment for as long as he possibly could.

When he arrived outside the building he spotted Dixie talking to Mr Jordan, they were in earshot yet they hadn't noticed him yet.

He had tried to persuade her to come back to his office to talk but she seemed unwilling and made up an excuse about the ambulances needing counting, he had found this funny.

"Listen I'm not here to interrogate you, I treated John yesterday I know what is going on."

Jeff flinched at this, they all knew. There was no covering that.

"Ok I'm going to make this short." Dixie replied her voice firm and determined.

"I'm all for short as long as it makes the right point."

"Me and Jeff, we won't be working together anymore I've changed the rotas, we no longer live together either. So whatever you want to know you will have to go to him because I wouldn't know anymore."

Nick caught sight of Jeff behind her, he looked a mixture of awkward and embarrassed like a teenage boy whose mother had walked in on him watching blue movies.

She glanced behind her shoulder to see what he was staring at.

Jeff took a step back from her, shooting a venomous look as he did so.

"I see how it is."

"No it's not how it seems, I did it..."

Forget it." He interrupted turning away from her.

"C'mon mate lets just talk about this."

"No, no chance we're done here. Get your solicitor to call mine and we'll get this divorce moving."

He didn't give her chance to respond and there was no chance for her to glimpse his hurt, he turned and picked up his pace crossing the car park and exiting the hospital grounds.

She didn't go after him the shock had glued her to the spot, she didn't react because she didn't know how to.

Mr Jordan offered her a sympathetic look, he had winced at that confrontation he could only imagine what it would've been for her.

"Oh God he hates me."

Mr Jordan was no psychologist he had taken the path of surgery for a reason, other peoples complicated lives didn't interest him however he could see this one very clearly.

"He's angry because he cares. If he hated you he wouldn't have bothered."


	19. Chapter 19

Jeff upon leaving the hospital grounds slowed from his speedy walk and began to drag his feet.

He couldn't decide whether he was raging angry or inconsolably heartbroken. In the end he decided he was extremely pissed off.

He leant up against the wall to steady himself, it almost hadn't sunk in what he had just heard. It was like it had happened to somebody else and he had just been watching on from the side lines.

He started kicking up the stones from the gravelled pavement, kicking them across the road.

"You look like you could do with one of these." Came a female voice from behind him causing him to jump back in surprise.

Getting over his shock he turned and came face to face with Zoë offering out her cigarette packet. She shook the box in gesture of him taking one.

He knew he should've declined ,he'd given up a few years ago however at that moment nothing seemed more appealing.

"Yeah go on then."

He reached out and it felt good in between his fingers, steadying his shaking hands and as he placed the cigarette between his lips the tension seemed subside a small amount.

She nodded whipping out her lighter and lit the cigarette breathing in the excess smoke as she did so.

"It beats a friendly smile and kind words any day of the week."

He took a deep inhalation. It was long and slow. The smoke hit the back of his throat and the urge to cough arose, his lungs burning slightly. Ignoring the mild discomfort he slowly exhaled allowing the smoke to seep out through his lips.

The smoke seemed to hang in the air for a few moments whirling around their heads before it was ushered away by the wind. He closed his eyes for a second it had been a while since he'd had one and he felt somewhat light headed.

He lifted it up once more, this time he was able to enjoy it. He placed it to his lips and took another drag and held it for a second before blowing it out.

A calm feeling overtook his body with each drag he took, his shoulders relaxed as it went into his lungs. He relished the taste and within a minute he had smoked it down to the filter.

He smelt the air taking in the final traces of the smoke, before dropping the butt to the ground and stubbing it out with his foot.

Zoë watched on, she knew those feelings all too well.

"You needed that."

"You princess are a God send an absolute God send."

She placed the packet back into her handbag, zipping it shut.

"I don't do that for just anyone you know."

"You can't be that choosy if you're dishing them out to pilocks like me."

She glanced back behind at the hospital having spotted Dylan over the far side of the car park.

"Trust me, I can name a few and you're a long way off."

He followed her gaze until he spotted who she was looking at, his eyes widened in surprise, of all the people he thought would be her type; he wouldn't have been on the list.

"Doctor Keogh? You're having a laugh aint ya?"

"Hey! I didn't say anything." She defended surprised he had picked up on it.

"It's all in the eyes."

"Shouldn't you be glued to your son's bedside?"

He shrugged.

"He wouldn't notice whether I was there or not, he's off in his own world."

A look of sympathy filled her eyes, she didn't have children herself nor was she ever likely to but she saw the state of his son the night before and she could imagine what he was feeling.

"You know what you need?"

"A handbook on parenting?"

She raised an eyebrow, a cheeky grin forming.

"A drink."

He could hear an ambulance siren in the distance, he took a deep breath trying to suppress his frustration, that sound reminded him too much of Dixie.

"Make it alcoholic and you've got a deal."

"There's no better way to start the day."

Once again she unzipped her bag and retrieved her keys.

"We'll take my car, I've seen that tin can of yours.

"Ay me and that tin can have been together for years."

"You're honestly telling me that you paramedics are so badly paid you have to stick with an old banger like that?"

"Ouch, way to kick a man when he's down."

"I'll have you know, I'm being tactful when I say that."

"Right now princess, I couldn't care less how much you insult my motor. All I want is something strong and intoxicating."

She lifted up her keys and jangled them to emphasise the point.

"Well the quicker you agree that we take my car the quicker we can get drunk."

He looked thoughtful, giving her a nod of approval.

"Lead the way princess, lead the way."

"Do you realise that since Dixie moved out, you've become more liberal with the word princess?"

He shrugged, as far as he was aware he used it a lot anyway.

"I call all the ladies princess, don't I?"

"A few months ago, when we were all down the pub the only woman you called princess the whole night was Dixie."

Once more he repeated the shrugging gesture, he wasn't entirely sure if she had a point of any kind to make.

"Well you know I was probably sat next to her."

"No, it was more than just that. You for a while with every woman started saying sweetheart instead."

"What of it?"

"She became your exclusive princess, didn't she?"

"Don't be daft, I lived and worked with her, it was a case of she was the bird I spent the most time with."

Zoë was unconvinced, everybody could see that he had fallen for her. Everyone except the woman herself it would seem.

"Yeah what would I know, lets get that drink."

He paused for a second taking a final look over his shoulder, half hoping she would be stood behind him.

"I'll need more than just the one."

"Believe me after the shift I've had, you'll be struggling to keep up with me."

She walked onwards towards her car which was parked over the other side of the road. She couldn't wait to get away from the place, working night shifts were always gruelling but mixed with Dylan's bad temper over his estranged wife, snide remarks of Mr Jordan, the death of a young patient and treating a colleague's child made it twice as unappealing than normal.

Climbing into the car, Jeff pushed the seat back.

"They weren't lying when they said it was mini were they?"

Zoë looked out the car window and pointed to an ambulance that had just driven by.

"Anything would seem small after driving one of those things."

"That and the fact that this car is tiny, it aint called mini for nothing."

"Well you know what they say?"

He raised his eye brow, a puzzled look across his face.

"No?"

"Men with big cars are trying to compensate for something."

"You know what? You're right this is a great car."

She placed her keys in the ignition to start the car.

"That's what I thought you would say."

She placed her foot down on the pedal and set off down the road at an alarming pace, not even slowing down at the bends.

"Blimey Zo, are you trying to get us killed?"

"Mark Bolan was killed in a mini."

"Don't get me wrong I love T- Rex as much as the next person but if it's all the same I'd rather see today out."

She brought her foot down lightly on the break, slowing the car down.

"You never struck me as a T- Rex kind of man."

"How's that then?"

"The only song I've heard you listen to is Tubthumping."

"Nah I was gutted when Dixie took the CD with her when she moved out."

She reached over to the glove compartment and pulled out a CD before passing it to Jeff.

He inspected the cover it which read Mark Bolan and T-Rex greatest hits.

He opened the case and placed the disc into the CD player.

"Stick on I love to boogie." Zoë requested looking up from the steering wheel.

"Good choice, I would've gone with 20th century boy myself but good choice."

The car filled with the tune as Jeff turned the volume up high causing the fast paced tune to pulsate through the vehicle.

They listened to it, tapping their feet to the tune before simultaneously singing along to the chorus, neither of them were bothered that they were completely out of tune.

"_We love to boogie  
>We love to boogie on a Saturday night<br>We love to boogie  
>High school boogie, jitterbug boogie<br>We love to boogie on a Saturday night."_

_24 hours later__._

Jeff awoke to find himself in an unfamiliar surrounding, his head was pounding and his mouth felt stale and dry.

He looked down and found himself on a floor of what seemed to be some kind of a car, some sort of limousine maybe?

He abruptly sat up to be faced with carnage, the vehicle was swamped in alcohol cans ,streamers and burst balloons. Bits of food had been smeared up the windows and squished into the leather seats, a bottle of champagne had been smashed in the corner and pieces of confetti had been strewn all over the place .

He looked at himself to find he was unclothed with nothing but some sort of banner wrapped around his waist.

He spotted the green material of his clothes under a pile of jackets he didn't recognise. He moved in closer to retrieve them however he was stopped dead in his tracks by the sight of a woman's feet poking out from underneath them.

That's when he remembered Zoë had been with him the day before.

He lightly shook her foot causing her to abruptly sit up, clutching his high visibility jacket to her chest.

She looked at him in surprise, her jaw dropped as she stared down at herself.

"Did we?"

"I've got no idea."

She looked around the area and blushed in embarrassment upon noticing her skirt draped over the steering wheel and her blouse that was stained with some sort of wine had been discarded on the floor in the back.

Jeff reached over to her head and removed what was tangled into her hair.

He looked at it, his eyes widening in surprise at what it was.

"Can you remember where you got this veil from?

She tilted her head sideways, taking a long look at it before shaking her head.

"What the hell happened last night?"

He exhaled loudly, shaking his head as he did so before reaching over and passing over her skirt.

"You can wear my jacket, your top is knackered."

"Turn your back then." She said throwing over his paramedic's uniform.

Doing as ordered he quickly threw his clothes back on, removing the banner from around his waist.

He shook his head in disbelief as he tried to remember what had happened the day before.

He was with John at the hospital.

He then remembered the blazing row with Dixie.

He had a cigarette with Zoë.

He could remember listening to music.

He could remember it was Mark Bolan.

The rest was just a blank.

The sound of Zoë opening the car door abruptly broke his trail of thoughts.

"Jeff let's get out."

He clambered over the mess and practically fell out onto the concrete floor, the banner still in hand.

He got to his feet and followed Zoë's gaze, watching as she bent down to retrieve a bouquet of flowers that lay underneath the vehicle.

The both stared at it for a few seconds however it was useless nothing came back to them.

"Jeff, what does that banner say?"

He pulled it out straight and read the colourful writing.

_**JUST MARRIED !**_

"Ok we're really going to need to remember what happened last night."

"I don't think I want to."

"Me neither princess, me neither."

**A/N: The next chapter will reveal all. **


	20. Chapter 20

Jeff paced frantically around the area, his hands clutched to his head swearing repeatedly as he did so.

"Bloody hell, bloody hell, oh God."

Zoë had taken a more relaxed approach and was sitting on the bonnet of the limousine, calmly lighting a cigarette.

"Will you stop pacing? You're making me dizzy."

He came to a slow stop and hoisted himself up onto the bonnet to join her.

"How can you stay so calm?"

"Look around Jeff we're in a pub car park. It's not as if we're marooned on a desert Island."

"I don't know whether it's escaped your notice but I've just committed bigamy."

She threw her head back letting out a loud and unrestrained laugh, accidentally dropping her cigarette to the ground in the process.

He shot her a glare of disapproval, crossing his arms to emphasise the point.

"Well I'm glad someone is finding this funny."

She sat upright in attempts to control the laughter.

"This is Holby Jeff not Vegas."

"Well what other explanation is there? Go on then if you're so on the ball."

"Cut it out my head is banging."

"This aint right I should be with my son."

She bent down to retrieve the cigarette, then flinging it to the side in disappointment upon realisation that it had gone out.

"You didn't take much persuading from what I remember."

"And that is?"

"You accepted my offer of a drink and got into the car."

"Then how the hell did we end up here?" He despaired lifting up the banner and veil to emphasise the point.

She looked around the car park several times, a look of horror suddenly dawning on her face.

"Shit! Where's my car?"

"Bleeding hell Zoë, I've just got illegally married and you're worried about your car."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head in a mocking manner.

"We may have done many things last night but I highly doubt we did that."

"That's just it we don't know what we did!"

"Whatever we did, if I find a single mark on my car there will be bloodshed."

"That is if you can find the flamin' thing."

She waved a dismissive hand at him before reaching into her bag for another cigarette. She threw the packet to the floor upon finding it empty, stomping on it a few times to vent her frustration.

"What time is it anyway?"

"Time to get a watch."

"How childish can you get?"

He yanked up his sleeve to read his watch however was stopped in his tracks, not only was he wearing his own watch there was a second one around his wrist too. This was not something that had escaped Zoë's notice as she edged in closer to get a better look.

"Did you have that on yesterday?"

He shook his head, just staring at the cracked face where it had somehow been bashed.

There was painfully long silence in which Zoë took the opportunity to take a better look at it. It was a woman's watch, it looked expensive with a logo of a designer brand on the silver strap and the face had an imprint of roman numerals. Despite the smashed face the sturdy hands were still rotating.

"Wow looks pricey I wouldn't want to be the person who lost that."

He released he clasp and held it one hand, gently stroking his thumb along the strap.

"It set me back three hundred quid. It was worth it mind, to see the look on her face."

"You mean you've seen this watch before?"

He nodded placing his other hand on top and clutching it tight.

"I bought it a few months back for my wife's birthday."

Zoë brought out a hand and placed it on his arm, she wasn't usually one for showing much sympathy however she knew from the way he had said "my wife" instead of Dixie that it was obvious he was having trouble moving on from her.

"Well if a man got me that for my birthday I would be thrilled."

He smiled.

"So was she, she'd seen it in a Jewellery shop the week before. She's not usually into gawking over stuff like that but she liked it, she liked it a lot."

"But why have you got it?"

He stared at it for a while, trying to remember.

"That's the million dollar question."

"Try and think when was the last time you remember seeing her?"

He thought back the last time he could clearly remember seeing her was the argument outside the department.

"She definitely didn't hand it over, I was stood quite a distance away from her."

He climbed off the bonnet and walked around the perimeter of the car, looking for any signs of what happened the night before.

He abruptly stopped upon having his eye caught by Zoë's blouse on the floor. In the car he had presumed that it was covered in some sort of wine stain. He picked it up and inspected it, he had been a paramedic long enough to know blood stains when he saw them.

Spotting his stunned expression she came over to where he was stood.

"Did you remember something?"

He merely shook his head as he placed the blood soaked garment into her hands.

She studied it herself, it definitely wasn't her own blood, there was no splatter marks so she couldn't have been in a fight, but there was an awful lot of it.

Clasping her hand to her mouth she dropped it to the floor and stepped away from it.

He stepped around the blood soaked material and wrapped an arm around her.

"Ay hey, it's alright."

"Where has it come from?"

He closed his eyes for a second, something was coming back to him. It was fuzzy but it was there, he could hear the voice of his wife in his mind.

"_Jeffrey just go home and get changed, you're still in your uniform."_

_He could see himself now he was stood opposite her._

_But what were they doing there together?_

_It was if they were on a shout together, he could picture her with the medical pack swung around her shoulder and she was wearing the usual purple latex gloves, which had blood staining the fingertips._

_She was definitely on a shout, she was holding an IV drip in her hand._

_Where were they though?_

_There was a dart board behind her head. _

_Were they in a pub?_

_He could see another woman out the corner of his eye, was it Jodie?_

_He'd said something to her. No he was shouting at her, he was ranting and raving._

"_Of all the other paramedics in the bleeding department they sent you."_

"_Jeff just let me do my job."_

_She had been knelt down, but what was she doing?_

He shook his head, that was all he could remember the rest was just a blank a horrible blank.

Zoë considered the information he had just salvaged, she looked up and saw a mark on his face.

A look of realisation flashed in her eyes.

"You said to her she and she lashed out, I remember we were around the front and you said something to her."

He lifted his hand up to his cheek, it felt tender. He knelt down and checked himself in the wing mirror to find a dark bruise around his eye.

"Oh God tell me what I said."

_She was stood by the side of the ambulance giving information to the young paramedic._

_Jodie maybe?_

_She was definitely giving her some sort of information about something._

_It had to be something medical, it just had to be._

_She remembered a scream, a loud scream and the person was repeating something over and over._

"_Go to hell!." Yes that was it. That was what she was screaming._

_It was angry and it was fierce, she remembered Jodie had taken a step backwards._

_She looked over and saw Dixie and Jeff, Dixie was repeatedly hitting him._

_Did he try and fight back?_

_She couldn't remember._

_Nobody pulled her off him. She had stopped and returned to the ambulance wiping away the tears of anger and frustration._

_There were on lookers. Yes there were definitely onlookers._

_ How had Jeff reacted?_

_Was he shocked?_

_Was he upset?_

_He must have been surely?_

_The onlookers looked smart. Some were in big hats, some in colourful dresses, there were men in suits._

_Something was wrapped around her._

_It was the high visibility jacket._

_Jeff was stood by her now, there was blood trickling from his nose._

_Was that the blood on the blouse?_

_No it couldn't have been._

_She was holding the blood stained blouse long before Dixie hit out at him._

_She was holding it then, that's why Jeff had wrapped his jacket around her._

_A loud clink was heard. _

_That was it the watch, Dixie had thrown it at him._

_Did he pick it up?_

_He must've done, he had it on him now._

Jeff recoiled in horror, listening to her version of events. He must have said something awful to have sparked a reaction like that.

He quickly placed his hand into his pocket and was relieved to find his phone still in tact.

He checked his messages.

**1 new message.**

**From: Dixie.**

**Not even an apology? **

**Your son is sedated in a hospital bed and you can't even be arsed to turn up and see him.**

**No instead you go out. get drunk and think up the nastiest thing you can say to hurt me.**

**Well you know what? nice try but I'm not going to let it bother me.**

He was unable to dwell on it for long as man carrying an empty bin bag came walking across the car park to speak to them.

"You two have had quite a night."

"And you are?" Jeff asked lowering his phone down.

"The landlord of the pub and owner of this vehicle."

Zoë walked over to him and grabbed him by the tie a look of pleading in her eyes.

"Please you've got to tell us what happened last night?"

A thoughtful look came across the man's face.

"Right I'll make a deal with you."

"We'll do anything just tell us, please tell us."

"Beings now you're the main cause of all the mess inside and out, if you clean the place from top to bottom I will tell you everything"

"When you say everything?" Jeff spoke up.

"Everything; from the lifesaving, to the explosive argument followed by the declaration of undying love to the cringe worthy strip tease."


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Hi all I've had an idea that I will break down what happened in three parts, I was thinking this chapter could be from Jeff's point of view and will cover how they ended up at the pub and how the blouse got blood stained, the second will be from Dixie's perspective and will cover the argument and what he said to make her lash out and then the third will be about Zoë and how her and Jeff ended up in the limo. **

Jeff walked down the dimly lit corridors of the hospital. He hadn't been home and was still wearing his uniform which by this stage was giving off the aroma of beer, sweat and cleaning fluids.

Jeff and Zoë had swept, polished, vacuumed and scrubbed every inch of the pub and in return the landlord had stayed true to his word.

Most of it was shameful, parts were somewhat humiliating and others he had wished he hadn't remembered.

Of course the landlord was unable to tell them everything however he gave them enough details and the rest fell into place.

He entered the relative's room and pulled up a chair, he needed a few minutes. He didn't want John to see him like this.

Reaching into his pocket he pulled out the watch, he had kept one hand on it since he had discovered it. He was going to give it back to her, even if she didn't want to forgive him he still wanted her to have it.

She wore it all the time, he had warned her that it was too good to wear on shifts, ironically though it ended up his fault when it did break.

"C'mon me old son, pull yourself together." He said to himself taking a deep breath in as he did so.

Unsteadily he forced himself up out of the chair, he still felt rather worse for wear.

He was no stranger to a hangover however he had found they got worse with age.

He wondered if John would realise he'd been drinking heavily? He concluded that the state he was in, he would have probably have trouble remembering his own name let alone picking up on anything else.

He arrived at his son's room and paused outside, busying himself with the hand sanitizer gel in hopes of prolonging the moment for just a few seconds longer.

Reaching the point where his hands were as clean they could be he pushed open the door and walked in.

For a moment he paused, of all the things he was expecting he wasn't expecting to see that.

John was awake but by no means was he in any way better.

He was sat up retching into a sick bowl, he seemed to be shaking and his hair and face was dripping in sweat.

That wasn't what had thrown him though. Jeff knew the score when it came to addicts so it came as no surprise that the withdrawal symptoms were affecting him in this way.

No the sight that surprised him was the person who was there looking after him.

She was yet to notice Jeff stood by the door, she was holding the sick bowl to his mouth and had her arm around the distraught teenager, rubbing his back as she did so.

"Alright sweetheart, that's it get it all up."

Jeff cleared his throat in attempts to catch her attention.

"Dix?"

She looked up for a moment and glanced him up and down.

"Look at that state on you." She mouthed before turning her attention back to John.

Jeff lingered by the door, wondering what his next move should be. A pang of guilt suddenly hit him, it should have been him over there holding him and reassuring him.

He walked over to where they were, taking the bowl off Dixie and holding it for him.

"Alright mate I'm here now."

He brought his eyes up to meet Dixie's however she wouldn't look at him.

John pushed away the bowl and layback down onto the bed, panting heavily.

"Dad?" he groaned whilst gripping hold of the railings causing his knuckles to go shade of white.

Jeff placed his hand down on top of John's giving it a squeeze.

"I'm here son, I'm here."

Dixie watched on her anger was still present yet she remained unwilling to show it in front of John.

Picking up the water jug from the side she filled up a cup and passed it to Jeff.

"Cheers princess." He smiled downing its contents.

She shook her head in disbelief, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes as she did so.

"That was for John, not you."

"Oh right."

She took another cup off the side and filled it up again.

"Right think you can get it right this time?"

He nodded taking the glass from her. He brushed her fingers slightly before bringing it to John's lips.

"Slow sips, there's a good lad."

John did as ordered trying his best to swallow as the water seeped out his mouth and dribbled down his chin.

Jeff rubbed his hand in a circular motion on his back in comfort as he struggled to drink it.

Dixie glanced over to the door.

"A word please, Jeffrey."

He placed the cup to one side before pulling the covers over John.

"Should we go.." He suggested gesturing to the door.

She painted on a smile for John's benefit and lead Jeff outside into the corridor.

She moved over to the corner and crossed her arms, creating a frosty barrier between them.

"Stayed out all night then I see?"

He looked down at himself and glanced back at John's room, when it came to looking a state it was hard to distinguish father from son.

She waited a second or two, upon receiving no response she continued onwards.

"He's had a terrible night, his ward doctor phoned down asking for you to come up and sit with him but you couldn't even manage that."

He diverted his eyes to the ground and stared down at his shoes.

"Have you been here with him?"

"What choice did I have? He was in one hell of a state!"

"I'm sorry, what more can I say?"

"Oh believe me you said all you had to say yesterday."

"And I was out of order."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out the sheet of crumpled piece of paper she had been carrying around with her for the past few weeks.

"Well it was certainly a million miles off what you wrote here."

"Can't we just rip it up and pretend I never wrote it?"

"You can't take back that email you wrote and you can't take back what you said yesterday, what you can do is tell him the truth."

"C'mon princess, it's just an email."

She passed it over to him.

"It's more the just an email, we both know that."

"To me it is, what about you?"

"After what you said..."

"After what I said?" He prompted desperate for an answer.

She shrugged.

"Go and be with your son."

She didn't wait for a reply, she just made her way down the corridor desperately resisting the urge to look back.

He watched as she walked away, mentally cursing himself for letting her go without a fight.

Placing his hand back into his pocket he brushed his thumb along the watch, maybe now it was all he would have left of her?

The night before was meant to make things better, if anything it made things worse. A lot worse.

_The day before._

_Jeff picked up the C.D case and fiddled with the stereo buttons._

"_Right, I'm choosing the next one."_

"_Make it a good one."_

"_Are you honestly suggesting that there is one bad song on this album?"_

_Zoë turned to face him and nodded her head._

"_There is one I don't like."_

"_Is that even possible?" He joked placing the case to the side._

"_Well don't hold it against me but..."_

"_Go on, I'm married to a lesbian and I've just found out my son is a drug addict there's not much left that could shock me now."_

"_Well in that case, I hate the song metal guru."_

"_How could you not like that one?"_

"_I find it annoying."_

_Jeff shot a cheeky wink her way before choosing the track and the car filled with sound of Metal guru._

"_Reverse psychology works every time." Zoë chuckled to herself._

_By the time the song had come to an end the pair reached their destination._

"_Looks like there's some sort of wedding reception going on." Jeff observed peering out the window._

"_It's a bit early in the morning for that isn't it?"_

"_Nah not really, quick ceremony followed by an all day party. Not a bad idea if you ask me."_

"_Right well, we can't exactly go in and pretend we're guests can we?"_

"_I've done it before there's nothing to it, just blend in with the crowd and act like you're meant to be there."_

"_And the last time you did that, was that with or without the paramedics uniform and high visibility jacket?" She asked gesturing to his clothes._

_He looked down at himself, at best he would stick out, at worse people would presume him to be some sort of stripper._

"_Fair enough, any other suggestions?"_

"_Should we go to the next city over? That way if anyone sees you dressed like that they wont know you're from Holby."_

"_Alright but the story is I'm in fancy dress."_

"_Let's go with that, we don't want a lecture off Nick about how we're wrecking the E.D's so called reputation."_

"_What's that then, Hellby city?"_

"_Bloody journalists, we saved lives that day."_

"_Well a teenager was shot in the lift." He mumbled. The events of that day still gave him nightmares, not that he would admit it._

_Zoë peered out the window to the watch the sudden commotion that had just assembled itself outside the pub._

"_What's going on here then?"_

_Jeff followed her gaze, he saw the bride and groom were stood on the doorstep and an argument was taking place with another woman._

"_Looks like an unwanted guest."_

"_She looks, angry whoever she is."_

_The other woman made a grab for the bride's hair, pulling it out of it's immaculate style._

"_I love a good catfight."_

"_Jeff! Should we do something?"_

"_Oh right, yes."_

_They unbuckled there seatbelts and climbed out, just as the woman brought her hand out and forcefully punched the bride in the stomach causing her to drop to her knees._

"_That was quite some punch she threw there."_

"_I think that was more than just a punch." Zoë gasped gesturing to the red stain that was spreading across the white material of the wedding dress._

_The pair leapt into action as Jeff reached into the backseat of the car pulling out his medical pack._

"_If the GMC find out you took that..."_

"_This could save someone's life and you're having a go at me for not returning a medical pack to the right place?" _

"_Right sorry." She agreed swinging it over her shoulder and running over._

_They arrived at the spot and knelt down beside her._

"_You mad bitch, you mad bitch." The groom shouted repeatedly at the other woman._

_Zoë focused her attention to the bride._

"_Hello I'm Zoë can you hear me?"_

_She looked up at Jeff._

"_She's losing a lot of blood, it's a stab wound."_

_The other woman unclenched her fist and a flip knife fell to the floor before she slowly started backing away form the scene._

"_C'mon princess you don't wanna do this." Jeff reasoned as he approached her._

"_Don't come any closer or I'll..."_

"_You'll what? The only weapon you had is now lying on the floor."_

_She desperately looked from side to side._

"_Just stay where you are alright?"_

_She shook her head and turned on her heel running away in the opposite direction._

_Jeff ripped the radio off his belt and threw it over to Zoë._

"_Use this to get help, I'm going after her."_

"_Are you mad? You've seen what she's capable of." _

_Ignoring her warning he charged after the woman, pounding the gravelled floor. _

_She was in eyes view and so close however she maintained enough distance between them that he was unable to reach out and grab her._

_He pushed himself to go faster, willing his legs to take the strain._

_She was determined to give him the slip and he was determined to catch her._

_It was relentless and seemingly never ending, each time he came close to getting hold of her she dodged him with a single swift movement._

_He could hear the words of his wife whirl around in his mind, he wondered what she would say if she could see him now._

_She would be furious no doubt._

_She would call him an idiot._

_Tell him off for not using correct protocol._

_Maybe she would mock him for trying to play hero?_

"_**It's not our job Jeffrey, leave it to the police."**_

_Of course he always ignored her, despite her warnings he had always half hoped that it would impress her on some level._

_Of course most of the time he would fail in his attempts and make things worse and she would always have something to say about it._

"_**Don't you princess me, lethal weapon."**_

_Not this time, he would prove her wrong this time._

_If only he did it once, today would be the day he got it right._

_Whether it was physical strength or mental will, he closed the gap between them, wrenching her arm backwards and tightening his grip to prevent escape._

_She wasn't giving up easily as she desperately kicked her legs._

"_Give it up, I'm not going to release you." He warned lifting her up off the ground to stop her from running._

"_Just let me go."_

"_Can't do that."_

_He gripped her tighter as she became more resistant._

"_They didn't care how they hurt me, so why should I care how I hurt them." She cried out, tears of frustration running down her cheeks._

_He lowered her slightly, considering her words._

"_And what do you mean by that?"_

_She stopped struggling and allowed her shoulders to slump._

"_What do you care? You see me as scum."_

"_Try me."_

"_He was mine, not hers she took him."_

_He sighed to himself before putting her fully down, keeping only one hand on her arm._

"_You can't just go around sticking knives in people you're jealous of."_

"_Maybe I went too far, but it was as if they were laughing at me. They had their perfect little lives and I didn't matter anymore."_

_He tried to remain unbiased, she had committed a crime and of course that was a bad thing, no way could he try and excuse it._

"_I can sympathise with that love but..." He started before trailing off, he had no idea how to react._

"_Do you know how it feels to have been there for this one person for years? Been there best friend? Supported them through the bad times? Enjoyed the good ones with them?"_

"_I know that feeling all too well."_

"_Then imagine what it feels like for them to suddenly cut you out, to move on from you and run off with someone else, just drop you as if you were a rag doll."_

"_I don't need to imagine it I'm living it day in day out ever since she met that..."_

_He cut himself off, the words to painful to voice aloud._

"_This is job for the police." He concluded letting go of her arm._

_She looked stunned._

"_You mean you're letting me go?"_

"_Listen love, they're going to catch up with you eventually but I aint going to help them."_

"_Thank you." She replied her voice barely above a whisper._

_Jeff nodded and turned back in the direction of the pub. An error in judgement some might say, to him it was a question of morals._

_Although the _criminal_ justice system was bound to disagree with him._


	22. Chapter 22

Dixie was out of breath, more so than what she usually should have been. Sat behind the wheel of her parked car she took a few deep breaths in and out.

The past two days had been manic yet she wasn't returning home just yet.

Little Abs would probably be tearing the place apart on his own however at least with Dawn being at work, he wasn't provoking her allergies.

Dawn wasn't the only one who had been suffering. Dixie's breathing felt uncomfortable and her chest felt slightly tighter than what it should've been.

She quickly dismissed it, she had had asthma for many years and knew what an attack was like. This was not one of those occasions.

Despite the discomfort she could still breathe without too much difficulty.

She made a mental note to herself to track down the missing inhaler when she got home later. She had intended to search for it the other night however had found herself sidetracked by her stepson's ill health and her husband's cruel words.

Pulling her phone out of her coat pocket she checked her messages to see if she had gotten the address right.

Placing her phone back to its previous location she stepped out the car. The past forty eight hours had been a nightmare and she needed a friendly face and somebody to talk to.

Jeff would usually be the person she could vent her frustrations to, however considering the circumstances he wasn't exactly the ideal choice.

Then there was Dawn, now that choice was far from ideal. If Dawn had heard half of what had been going on between Dixie and Jeff she would probably head for the hills.

Her options were limited but the choice was clear.

Crossing the road she read the sign of the coffee shop her friend had suggested. It was one those places that she passed on a number of occasions but had never been inside.

It seemed a little too upmarket for her tastes however it was certainly the other person's type of place.

The location itself was not a massive deal, what she wanted was a familiar face and someone impartial to the Jeff, John, Dawn situation.

Spying them over at table in the corner, she waved to catch their attention.

They sent her back a welcoming smile and she made her way to join them at the table.

"So how's life as deputy head boy?"

The young boy rolled his eyes, clearly sick of the sound of it.

"Nightmare don't even get me started."

"Aww c'mon Isaac mate, it can't be that bad."

"Well it keeps dad I happy I suppose."

She painted on a reassuring smile for his benefit. When she spoke to Isaac it was like meeting her teenage self.

"Are things any better?"

"Well he seems to be more accepting of it if that's what you mean but it's more of a brushing it under the carpet and not discussing it type thing."

"It gets better trust me."

He humoured her, he may be young but he was no fool, he could tell just by speaking to her that she had struggled in the past.

"So anyway enough about me tell me more about this American you've been seeing."

Dawn. What could she possibly say about Dawn?

Would she tell him the truth? That she just wasn't feeling the way she used to?

The sex was great? The communication not so much?

It was going well until she stumbled across that email?

That bloody email.

"What email?"

Her cheeks flushed red in embarrassment she had said the last bit out loud.

"Email?"

"Well you said it."

She pulled a napkin out of the dispenser and folded it into a neat triangle as means of distraction.

"Oh you know it's just one of those days."

"I see right through you Dix."

This had thrown her off guard, Isaac was only seventeen she had hoped due to his young age she would be able to fool him.

He waited for a response, she opened her mouth to speak however no words came out.

"I've had you figured out right from the moment you pulled me off that nail and so had you with me."

"You've just got good gaydar." She joked in attempts to steer the conversation.

"It's him isn't it?"

She played dumb.

"I don't know who you're on about."

"Mr he's a lovely man but he is a man."

She thought back those were the words she had chose to describe him. It almost didn't seem right almost as if he was some hopeless case who had taken a shine to her and she felt sorry for him and was sparing his feelings. He was worth more than that so much more.

She nodded her head to confirm, she had also told him that day that "You get one life and not to waste time with regrets before it even started."

He had responded with "I just thought if I could become head boy I'd become more normal, I'd make him proud."

It was like her own dad all over again. She thought if she was to become Mrs Jeffrey Collier she'd become more normal, she'd make him proud of her.

But it was Jeff that told her that there was no such thing as normal.

It was always Jeff that urged her to be herself.

It was always Jeff that told her not to be ashamed.

Now it was Jeff that wanted her to change.

He wanted her to be his wife.

He wanted a conventional marriage.

She shook off those thoughts and brought her eyes up to meet Isaac's.

"You knew."

A look of confusion came across his features.

"Knew what?"

"You knew that my name wasn't Dixie, I've never really had anyone ask before if it was my real name, they all just take my word for it."

He shrugged.

"I just had a feeling."

"I haven't been Kathleen in so long, I wanted to leave her behind."

"You talk as if she's a different person."

"She seems like it, when I was her there was no confidence, she was just some confused and insecure teenager, petrified about her sexuality being revealed and hated herself for who she was.

Isaac swallowed back the lump in the back of his throat, those feelings were never far away.

"And Dixie?"

"She's everything Kathleen Dixon wanted to be."

"You seemed so sorted."

"Am I still Dixie Dixon? I could just about live with Dixie Collier but not Kathleen Collier, who the hell is she?"

"He's said something to you hasn't he? He's done this."

It was more of a statement than a question. He knew the answer it went without saying.

_The Day Before__._

_The shift was yet to start it had been just over an hour since Jeff had overheard her conversation with Jordan and she was shaken._

_She had never meant for him to find out like that, she wasn't entirely sure how she would've told him but that was the last way she would've wanted him to find out._

_She could tell herself over and over that it was his worry for John that made him take the news badly but there would be no way of backing this up, she still hurt him._

"_He's angry because he cares." She said to herself repeating the words Nick had said._

_The sound of approaching footsteps forced her to compose herself._

_She turned and came face to face with Jodie._

"_Alright kid? Ready for today?"_

_She'd hoped she had sounded enthusiastic, it would seem Jodie had bought into her charade or if she hadn't she had hidden it well._

"_As I'll ever be."_

_The door to the staffroom opened and Andrew emerged clutching the morning paper greeting his co workers with a friendly smile. Dixie noted how they seemed on much better terms a far cry from the night before._

"_Well you two seem to be on better terms this morning."_

_Jodie placed a strand of hair behind her ears and nodded in agreement._

"_Well we're looking forward to a day without winding each other up."_

"_I'll drink to that." Andrew cheered raising an imaginary toast._

"_Control to Holby ." Came the voice of the operator from the radio._

"_Receiving."_

"_Female late twenties, abdominal stab wound can you take?"_

"_We can."_

"_Its at the Holby city arms, do you know it?"_

"_The pub ten minutes from here?"_

"_That's the one."_

"_Okay over."_

_Jodie glanced her watch._

"_Bit early for a pub fight isn't it?"_

"_Try telling them that it's well dodgy, notorious for 24 hour parties and lock ins."_

"_Looks like we're in for a fun one."_

She cut herself off, unable to continue.

"Listen mate, I know you're concerned but let's not go over old ground."

"Why stop there?"

She sighed to herself pushing the memory to the forefront.

_She brought the ambulance to an abrupt stop as they pulled up outside the pub, there was blood surrounding the doorway and it seemed they had moved the casualty inside._

_The two women leapt into action climbing out and grabbing a trolley and oxygen cylinder that they needed before heading inside._

_Stepping into the pub she noticed her colleague Zoë knelt down next to the patient, treating her with a medical bag that the ambulance team would use._

"_Zoë?"_

"_Long story, right place, right time."_

_Jodie and Dixie joined her on the floor._

"_Right well, I've done as much as I can for her here, she's stable for now." Zoë informed unbuttoning her blood soaked blouse._

_Dixie reached over and zipped up the bag Zoë had been using._

"_How did you get hold of this?"_

_Before Zoë could respond the pub door swung open._

_Dixie turned her head and came face to face with Jeff for the second time that day. He was still wearing his uniform from the day before and he was sweating and out of breath._

"_Right lets get her onto the trolley." Jodie instructed, Dixie had heard her but she hadn't listened._

_Their eyes locked on one another, taken aback by each other's presence._

_Zoë looked up from securing the bride on the trolley._

"_Did you catch her?"_

"_No she's long gone, I tried but she got away." He replied moving his gaze away from his wife._

"_You chased after the attacker?"_

_He turned to look at her, this time a look of fury in his eyes._

"_Well I knew you'd have something to say on the matter."_

"_And what if you'd have got hurt yourself?"_

_He shook his head in disbelief, he was livid, he'd had enough._

"_What would it matter to you?"_

"_You're my hus..." She cried out before quickly cutting herself off._

_Zoë and Jodie wheeled the trolley passed them creating a temporary barrier between them._

_Jodie looked up._

"_Dixie let's get her in."_

_They hung back as the room emptied out until it was just her and Jeff._

_Taking a moment to compose herself she made her way towards the door only to find herself stopped dead in her tracks by Jeff muttering something under his breath._

"_What was that Jeffrey?"_

"_Nothing for you to concern yourself with."_

"_No, c'mon out with it."_

"_Alright then fine, if you really wanna know."_

"_Well spit it out then." She demanded becoming increasingly frustrated._

"_Of all the paramedics in the bleeding department they sent you."_

_She bit down on her tongue in restraint she wasn't going to let him wind her up._

"_Jeffrey just go home and get changed you're still in you're uniform."_

"_You've got a nerve."_

_She turned her back to him and knelt down to pack up the IV drip she had left on the floor._

"_Jeff just let me do my job." She reasoned trying to calm him._

_The pub door reopened and Jodie stepped back in._

"_Seriously Dixie we need to get her in." She urged becoming increasingly impatient._

"_Alright just lead the way." _

_Jodie headed back out the door and Dixie followed on._

_She stepped out and Jodie walked briskly towards the ambulance to speak to Zoë who was now holding her blood stained blouse in her hand._

"_That's it Kathleen walk away, bury your head in the sand."_

_Once more she came to a stop and spun around on her heel to face him._

"_Did you just say what I think you did?"_

_Her arrows narrowed as she walked up closer to him._

"_You've told me all about Kathleen haven't ya? And from what I see princess there aint much difference."_

_She took a deep breath in through her nose as she found her fists clenching._

"_Stop talking right now."_

"_What's the matter can't handle it can you? The fact is you're as clueless now as you were back then, still confused, still petrified and still just as insecure as ever."_

"_I'm warning you Jeffrey."_

"_You hide behind that nickname, its all you've got to convince yourself aint it?_

"_Not true." She defended her voice barely above whisper._

"_You don't love Dawn she's just a bit of rough to help keep up appearances."_

"_Stop." She pleaded tears starting to well in her eyes._

_Truth is you married me because you were ashamed of what your old man would think of you, well what chance was there of him accepting you when you couldn't even accept yourself?"_

_She stepped back that had shocked her, she brought her eyes up to face him. She could see from his face that he knew he had gone too far but that wasn't enough._

"_Dix I'm so..."_

_No apology would be good enough, she brought her hand out and sharply s hit him across the face cutting him off mid sentence._

_It was quick over within the blink of an eye, she watched as he placed his hand over the red mark that had been made._

_He looked stunned and so was she._

_The adrenaline pumped through her body like an intense feeling of energy. _

_It had felt good, she had hurt him. He had hurt her so she had fought back._

_It was if the control was back on her side._

_Once wasn't enough, she wanted him to feel more pain. She needed him to feel more pain._

_She wanted to shout, scream, rant and rave anything to make her feel better._

"_Go to hell." She screamed out as loud as her lungs would allow._

_Her flat palm soon turned into a clench fist._

_She brought it back in preparation._

_He flinched at what was coming but he didn't move._

_She slammed it forward, her fist making contact with his jaw_

_He staggered slightly from the blow yet he made no effort to defend himself he had just stood back and took it._

_For a moment she stopped and observed what she had done. She wasn't a violent person but something had snapped._

_She felt her self crumple inside, the tears that were a mix of frustration, fury and heartbreak filled up in her eyes and rapidly fell._

_It still hurt, she still wasn't satisfied._

_He was holding his hands up against his face blocking anymore punches she would attempt to hurl so she lifted her foot and slammed it down on top his._

_No pain was caused, his boots were thick and sturdy. This only angered her further._

_This time she properly lunged at him throwing her weight up against him, sending him backwards._

_Once done she took a step back and pounded her fists at his chest repeatedly._

_Abruptly she came to a stop._

_A million thoughts ran through her mind._

_She never thought she's see the day where she would want to inflict any sort of pain on her beloved best friend._

_How could she hurt the man that she had been through so much with?_

_He had saved her so many times in more ways than one. How did they end up here?_

"_You knew I was lesbian, you knew we couldn't be together." She concluded taking a step back from him and slowly retreating._

"_Since when has falling in love with me wife been a bad thing?"_

"_You don't love me, you wouldn't have said that."_

"_But I do, I'm sorry."_

"_Just go to hell." She told him again, this time her heart wasn't in it._

"_Don't go I need you." He pleaded wiping away the blood that seeped from his lip._

_She wiped away the tears that were falling down her cheeks and rushed back to the ambulance barely daring to look back._

"_Jodie get in." _

_She furiously started the engine and paused as Jodie got in the back with the patient._

_Out of the windscreen mirror she looked behind, Jeff had placed his high visibility jacket around Zoë's shoulders._

_She wound down the window and pulled up her sleeve to see the watch, she couldn't bear to wear it anymore._

"_I'm nobody's Stepford wife." She muttered loosening the clasp and throwing it out._


	23. Chapter 23

Zoë Hanna had been home for just over an hour, she was sat on the bathroom floor with her head in the toilet bowl.

Her stomach was heaving but there was nothing more to bring up.

She made her way into her bedroom, sleep was what she needed.

Opening her bedroom door she was confronted by her reflection in the full length mirror.

She recoiled in horror, she would usually pride herself on her immaculate appearance instead she looked a state.

Her make up had ran , leaving her with thick splodges of black mascara stained to her cheeks, her tights had laddered all the way up her legs, her skirt was back to front and her hair was stood up end like someone had rubbed a balloon over it. She shrugged off the jacket that Jeff had given her and she threw herself down on the bed, her feet hurt and her head was pounding.

Zoë wrinkled up her nose in disgust, she could still smell the disinfectant and toilet cleaner. That pub had been filthy long before her and Jeff stepped foot in there.

Jeff had hardly said anything to her in the car on the drive back. No doubt damaged pride and broken heart played a large role in this.

They had had the radio playing softly on the background. Some talk show about celebrity gossip that neither of them was interested in.

Conversation was attempted once or twice but her efforts had failed, it wasn't that he didn't want to talk it just seemed like he wasn't really there, like he had retreated into his own thoughts.

She didn't blame him though, she could definitely see why the need to get that drunk was a strong one.

_The day before_

"_Thank you for your help."_

_The young detective snapped shut his folder containing the witness statements. He had just interviewed Jeff and Zoë and was done for the day._

_The once thriving pub was now completely empty. She had no idea how many hours had gone past, all she knew was in-between the stabbing and the police inquiry the morning had flown by._

_The landlord appeared from out the back, a look of impatience across his face._

"_Have you done what you needed to do?"_

_The detective painted on a false smile, clearly he was no stranger to awkward members of the public._

"_We've got all we need here and with any luck we'll catch who did this."_

"_Well looks like we'll be closed for the rest of the day, at least I still get paid for the bar tab."_

"_Well that's alright then." The detective replied a sarcastic edge to his voice._

_Zoë gave him a weak smile as he made his way out the doors before turning her attention to Jeff._

"_You alright?"_

_He didn't face her, instead he kept his eyes on the watch that he had been clutching throughout the morning._

"_Tickety Boo."_

_An ice pack lay discarded on the table next to them, he had had it pressed to his cheek a few minutes ago however he hadn't held it there for long._

"_You need to keep this on, it will reduce the swelling."_

"_I'll be fine."_

_She picked up the pack and brought it to his face, holding it up for him._

"_Zo don't." He protested edging away._

"_Hold still."_

_She wasn't going to let this one slip, she placed a firm grip on his shoulder and held the pack to his face._

"_You'd probably blacken the other eye if you'd have heard half of what I said to Dixie."_

"_If it was as bad as you say it is, then it looks like you got what you deserved."_

"_Was that an attempt to make me feel better?"_

_She took her hand away from the grip on his shoulder and replaced it with her arm, loosely wrapping it around both shoulders._

"_How's that?"_

"_I appreciate the gesture princess, but there's a gap a mile wide between us."_

_A slight smile formed across her face, Jeff always had a witty sense of humour that's something she had noticed about Dixie, she always had something to laugh about._

_Now that her and Jeff were apart? Not so much anymore._

"_Come here." She smiled pulling him into her, placing a light kiss on his cheek._

_For a moment he was surprised, he would never thought a woman like Zoë would go for a man like him. After dating the clinical lead he would've thought a paramedic wouldn't have even registered on her radar._

_He allowed his tense muscles to relax as he settled down into her embrace, her hair falling over his face and her sweet perfume filled his nostrils._

"_She'll forgive you Jeff, how could she not? You're Dixie and Jeff."_

_He bit down on his lip, holding back the volcano of emotion that threatened to erupt. He knew if it were to rear it's ugly head he wouldn't be able to get it under control. Without Dixie he wouldn't have reason to._

_The ice pack dropped to the floor. This time she made no effort to retrieve it instead she nestled in closer wrapping her second arm around him._

"_You know me and Dix used to say that about you and Jordan." He laughed, the irony seemed somewhat cruel._

_She sighed to herself, it had been almost two years since her split with Nick. _

"_It was different with me and Nick."_

_He pulled away. When he spoke his voice had a bitter edge to it. _

"_Yeah you were in a proper relationship."_

_There was no response she could give to that. She couldn't deny the unconventionality of their once relationship._

_The landlord reappeared once more with a bottle of champagne in his hands, saving her from having to respond._

"_Here you might as well take this. The groom put enough money behind the bar for people to have a free drink all night, shame for it to go to waste."_

_Zoë rubbed her hands together in glee, shooting a wide grin in Jeff's direction in hopes that he would share in her enthusiasm._

"_Well I'm not the kind of girl to turn down free champagne."_

"_It'll do the job." He mumbled, getting to his feet and taking the bottle off the man._

_Climbing up onto a bar stool, he pulled off the cork and placed a straw in and proceeded to drink._

"_Champagne and a straw? Real classy Jeff, real classy"_

"_Shut up and get your own."_

"_You can't drink that to yourself."_

"_Oh you'd be surprised."_

_She resisted the urge to laugh as she turned to face the landlord._

"_Right I'll have a WKD, a blue one."_

_Jeff stopped drinking for a moment and gave her a look of amusement._

"_What?"_

"_That's a teenager's drink."_

"_Well it's free, it's a funny colour and beings now you're drinking champagne with a straw there aren't any standards to reach."_

"_Well if it's free have two." He suggested before placing the broken watch around his own wrist, to make sure it would be secure._

"_Nah this is just my warm up before I challenge you to shots."_

"_I doubt it will be much of a challenge."_

"_That's tough talk for a paramedic."_

_He made the shushing gesture with his finger before breaking into a laugh._

"_I thought we agreed that I was going to be a stripper."_

_She smiled taking hold of her drink and downing it within a few gulps._

"_Right here's the plan I thrash you at shots, then you show me your routine."_

_He considered the offer for a few seconds, taking a few prolonged sips out the bottle._

"_Ok but if I thrash you, I get to see yours."_

"_I always win Jeff, I always win."_

"_If remember rightly you've already seen me with my trousers down."_

_She a let a loud snort of laughter as she thought back, it had been a day or two before his wedding and he had been suffering from terrible sickness. _

_Lenny, Noel and Big Mack had convinced him that there was an injection he could take to stop the nausea._

_Somehow he had fallen for it and had pulled down his trousers to let them do it, but was soon left red faced when they opened the door of the staff room for the other members of staff to be mooned at._

"_Yes I do believe I have."_

"_What was it you said?"_

_She took the champagne bottle from him and removed the straw before taking a long swig._

_She pouted slightly, giving him a cheeky wink as she did so._

"_Nice buns Mr Collier."_

"_Almost made the humiliation worth it."_

_At that moment she had found herself smiling, almost grinning it would seem._

"_Let's get those shots in, so you can relive the experience."_

_He reclaimed his champagne._

"_More champagne first."_

_He took one final slurp before inspecting the bottle, to his surprise it was almost three quarters of the way empty._

"_Well you're a fast drinker I give you that." Zoë commented picking up on what he was looking at._

_Right on cue the landlord placed down the shots they had wanted._

"_They're vodka, after the amount he's drunk, tequila would probably put him in a coma."_

_Zoë picked up the tray and placed it down onto a table away from the bar._

"_He's not drunk."_

"_We'll see when he stands up shall we?" He muttered under his breath._

_Jeff climbed out of the stool a little to quickly, his legs almost gave way beneath him however he gripped the bar for support._

_Zoë looked down on the floor and noticed the bride's veil was lying by her foot, slightly tipsy from the WKD and small amount of champagne the idea of wearing it seemed like the best one in the world, so she picked it up and placed it on her head._

"_C'mon shots time."_

_He pulled himself upright, his vision was blurred and his head was cloudy._

"_You'll be the one stripping sweetheart." He laughed, slurring his words slightly._

"_He staggered unsteadily over to the table and slumped down on the chair._

_The first shot tasted brilliant._

_The second shot wasn't as brilliant as the first but still good._

_The third was somewhat bitter._

_The fourth was a challenge._

_It started to become unpleasant after number five._

_The urge to vomit came after number six._

_She lost count after number seven._

_She remembered reaching for another but was stopped by the sound of Jeff throwing up into a bucket the landlord had placed by the table._

_She waited a few seconds before being victorious this was short lived when he was sick for a second time._

_He passed out after the third time._

_He came around after about an hour and was sick again this went on for about half an hour before he was back out onto the dance floor._

_Zoë selected ice, ice baby on the juke box and Jeff finished off the champagne._

_It wasn't sexy, it wasn't dignified nor was it in any way carefully coordinated but he performed the promised strip tease much to Zoë's drunken delight and to the landlord's horror. _

_From her hazy memory and the landlord's description of events, Jeff pulled down the banner off the bar and wrapped it around his waist before raiding the buffet._

_The wedding cake ended up on the floor._

_The cheese and pineapple sticks were flung._

_Jeff ended up face down in the punch._

_Zoë stuffed a chicken drum stick down her bra._

_After much debate over whether Zoë would be alright to drive, the landlord threw them out into the car park and told them to sleep in the Limo._

_She took off her skirt so Jeff wouldn't feel self conscious as the only naked one and they continued the party._

_After a conversation about which Teletubby would win in a fight, Jeff passed out and Zoë fell asleep in the corner._

It was pretty shameful but in the words of Jeff Collier.

"Look on the bright side princess, at least we didn't get hitched."


	24. Chapter 24

Sleeping on the floor of an abandoned warehouse, Rachel was one of many.

The weather had been harsh and the nights had been lonely.

The men that searched the streets were rough and paid little.

Mothers steered their children in the opposite direction.

To them she was just a dirty homeless girl.

An occasional passer by would spare her some change, others would stare at her like she was worthless.

It didn't matter none of that mattered all she needed was the money to buy the drug that she so desperately craved, she wanted to feel numb, oblivious to the rest of the world, she wanted to feel untouchable.

That was the best feeling when she was up. When she came down, she came down hard and fast and now there was no one there to catch her.

The past three days had been lonely very lonely.

She always considered herself independent, she never needed anyone ,that was her survival strategy. Rely on no one but yourself.

But now?

Now she missed him, she missed everything about him.

She could hear her voice in her head, he always used to say _"You know what I could do with around about now?"_

She would always humour him and ask him what in which he would reply "_A bacon sarnie, with lashings of tommy K."_

That always used to be his code word, it wasn't very street worthy or convincing but it always made her laugh. He got the idea after meeting a dealer behind a burger van and the idea just stuck.

It had been three days, three long days and counting.

Her and John's relationship wasn't the heart and flowers kind, they didn't believe in the whole fairytale romance.

They weren't constantly declaring their love for one another nor did they wax lyrical about how they were the loves of each others lives.

They weren't one of those couples who would be seen down the shopping centre making passers by uncomfortable with their over the top public displays of affection.

They didn't feel the need to be like that, nor did they want to be.

Their love was protecting one another from the dangers of the life they lead.

Being there for each other when their weakness became too much to bear.

Enjoying the high together and suffering the inevitable come down.

He could always make her laugh. No matter how bad things got John was always there with a bright smile, a cheeky wink and a crap joke.

His blue eyes always seemed to have a twinkle in them, no matter how down, angry or desperate he got, his eyes always kept their charm.

He was a terrible singer but this didn't stop him breaking into song when he felt like it, belting out some cheesy number and attempting some cringe worthy dance moves.

Some of these qualities would often get on her nerves however most of the time they were what made her love him the most.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, so when it came to getting money they didn't ask the other how they did it and they wouldn't tell either.

It was a chilly evening and the wind had been blowing a gale but this wasn't enough to keep her away from the streets, she needed money and she needed it fast.

The light drizzle of rain hit her face, smudging her cheap makeup.

Her feet were pinching against the tattered pair of heels and Goosebumps had appeared on her bare arms yet she kept on going ignoring the discomfort.

Head lights approached from behind her as a slowly car pulled up beside her and the window rolled down.

"You'll do, get in." The driver ordered as he looked her up and down.

She slowly nodded swallowing back the lump that had formed in the back of her throat.

She steadied her shaking hand and reached for the door handle.

She held her breath and pulled it open, it was a flashy car and the man was in a suit.

She knew men like that usually paid well.

A tight grip was suddenly felt on her arm causing her to scream out in fright as she found herself being wrenched backwards away from the car.

"Oh no you don't." The voice said as she heard the car door being slammed shut.

The driver climbed out coming towards the person who was wearing a hooded top.

He released his tight grip on her arm causing her to lose her footing and go crashing back down to the pavement hitting her head as she did so.

She placed her hand on the back of her throbbing head and felt the sticky liquid of her own blood.

The hooded figure was prepared as they brought their fist forward and slammed it into his face, causing him to stagger backwards hitting the windscreen of his car.

Disorientated she looked up however her vision was blurred.

She heard the sound of footsteps approach her and found herself being scooped up and placed into the back of the car.

She squinted her eyes, trying to make out who had thrown her in.

The driver was outside furiously banging on the window, demanding that the other person get out of the car.

The feeling of sickness arose as she leant over and retched onto the leather seats.

The engine roared to life and the car lurched forward, she grabbed hold of the door handle in a desperate attempt of escape.

She pulled repeatedly on the handle to no avail.

A thunderbolt of fear, dread and anxiety suddenly hit her, it was locked and she was trapped.

She reached in her pocket and placed her hand on her flip knife.

"Cor blimey that was dramatic weren't it?"

She widened her eyes in surprise, now that was a voice she definitely recognised.

"You idiot."

He turned around and pulled down his hood.

"C'mon princess you know I didn't push you deliberately."

"How did you get here?"

John turned his head around to face her.

"He's a heavy sleeper is my old man, I just crept out."

She exhaled loudly, he had done some stupid things in the time that she knew him but none that could top stealing a car.

"Pull over before you cause an accident."

Obediently he pulled the car up to the side and unlocked the doors.

As they stepped out she raised her hand and slapped him hard across the face.

"What was that for?" He shouted out clutching his cheek.

"For being cocky enough to believe you could drive whilst high."

"You're one mad cow you know that?"

"So you're not even going to deny it?"

He looked from side to side before shrugging.

"What gave me away?"

"I've seen what you get like after three hours without a fix, you'd be in one hell of a state after three days"

"I aint gonna lie, it wasn't easy."

Impulsively she stepped into him wrapping her arms around his waist.

"I thought you were never coming back." She cried out burying her head in his chest.

"I said I'd find you and I did."

She pulled away and looked up at him.

"What about your dad?"

He relaxed into a small smile.

"He has his own Rachel, she's called Dixie."

"But.."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the small bag of white powder.

"I saved you half."

A voice suddenly cut through the atmosphere causing them to jump back in surprise.

"Now in my time as a councellor at that hospital I have come across many things but what I've witnessed today was just pathetic."

John quickly stuffed the incriminating bag back into his pocket.

"Oh it's a bit late for that, when your step mother came to me for help, I got more than I bargained for."

Upon receiving no response off the troubled teens he proceeded onwards.

"So I made my way up to the ward only to find you making your escape without so much as an explanation to your dad."

John suddenly tensed up.

"So you saw me..."

"Take you dad's wallet? Oh yes and I must say that was some crafty work there."

John stared down at his shoes in shame, avoiding the older man's glare.

"Although I do admire your spirit, you could barely walk and despite the withdrawal symptoms you found the strength to walk half a mile to the nearest dealer."

"You followed me?"

"Yes the half and hour of waiting I admit was rather dull ,whilst you did what you had to down that alleyway but it was worth the wait to see you assault that man and then steal his car."

A panic look suddenly came across John's face.

"What are you going to do?"

"Ok here are your options, the first is I call the police and have you arrested for theft, drug possession and assault."

"And the second?"

"I pretend I haven't seen anything and you come back to my office for a session in which we get to the root of this addiction and put the record straight about your dad and step mum."

"Put the record straight?"

Ben reached into his jacket and pulled out a piece of paper.

"Yes starting with this email, I've read it through and it seems to me like your father has one hell of an imagination, in fact Narnia is more factual than this email."

**A.N: It's been ages since Ben has been on casualty, he was always funny so I thought I'd add him in now.**


	25. Chapter 25

"Alright thanks Ben." Jeff concluded as he hung up the phone.

He sunk down onto one of the chairs in the corner of the staff room, not only had his son ran away but he had robbed him as well.

"So did he find him?"

Jeff looked up and came face to face with Zoë, for a moment he had forgotten she was even there.

He nodded, a look of defeat in his eyes.

"Yeah."

"Well don't sound too enthusiastic."

Jeff exhaled loudly, looking down at his boots as he did so.

"He's as high as a kite apparently."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh."

She shuffled over to where he was sat and took a place next to him before placing her hand on his knee.

"Zo you don't have to do this, surely after the other night you must be sick of my ugly mug."

She relaxed into a laugh, edging in closer to him.

"You're a good man Jeff."

He offered her a weak smile, giving her hand a brief squeeze.

"Cheers, you aint so bad yourself."

"Wow, you really know how to compliment a girl."

"Ay give over, you're gorgeous aint ya?"

She blushed slightly. She never considered herself the type to give into flattery, however when it came from Jeff it seemed more than just a sleazy line.

"You know what? Dixie is a fool."

He snorted with laughter, giving her a cheeky wink as he did so.

"Or maybe she's gay?"

She playfully punched him on the arm, letting out a chuckle herself.

"Either way she needs to set the record straight."

"Setting the record "straight", that's priceless." He smiled wiping away the tears of laughter.

She took hold of his hand once more, running her thumb along it causing him to look her full in the eyes.

"Now is this going where I think its going?"

She gave him a cheeky grin before leaning in towards him.

"I'm glad being married to a lesbian hasn't clouded your judgement."

"Doctor Hanna, I'm a married man." He teased, lowering his voice to a seductive level.

She brought her face up to his, leaving only a small gap between them.

"Well I'm sure Mrs Collier will understand."

"Do you think that's how...?" He started before being cut off by Zoë closing the gap between them as she lightly kissed his lips.

It was brief and over within a split second however it had left him wanting more.

"Well that was..."

One more he found himself cut off by the meeting of their lips.

She pulled away once more, lightly licking her lips with her tongue. This time it was his turn to lean in.

She wrapped her arms around his neck as it became more intense, picking up the speed as she ran her tongue along his freshly brush teeth, relishing the moment.

He closed his eyes and immersed himself into a fantasy. If he couldn't see her, she could be whoever he wanted her to be.

He ran her fingers through her hair, in his head it wasn't chocolate brown it was a peroxide blonde.

Her perfume filled his nostrils, it wasn't the familiar smell of coconut and banana shower gel that he had bought her at Christmas, but he could allow himself to believe she had tried something new.

He slid his hand up her blouse as she wrapped her legs around his waist causing her hair to drape over his face, allowing him to smell the scent of her strawberry shampoo. For a final touch he tucked it behind her ears. It shouldn't be dangling in his face. After all it wasn't long enough.

Her chest was slightly smaller than what hers was, but it wasn't as if he had ever done this sort of thing with her before, he could fool himself that this is what it would feel like.

He slid his hand up her legs to be met with the silkiness of her tights or as he would like to think the material of her green uniform.

He felt the cold stethoscope against his neck. He slowly slipped it off l and let it fall to the ground. What would a paramedic be doing with a stethoscope?

She interlaced her fingers in his. He felt the cold metal of her watch against his wrist. That wasn't right. He had her watch because she had flung it off after their argument. Maybe she had forgiven him? Yes she had forgiven him and was wearing it again.

He could feel her foot rubbing up against his leg and he could feel the heel of her shoe.

That wasn't right either, she never wore high heels. Using his own foot he kicked them off and heard them land with a clunk on the hard floor.

He closed his eyes tighter, deepening the kiss. He wanted to stay like this for longer.

She brought her head up for a second or two taking a breath, although it would seem she was equally as enthusiastic.

"Oh Jeff, this naughty." She giggled before she swooped back in.

The accent was a little different to how it should've been and she had failed to call him Jeffrey but he dismissed the thought and continued regardless.

He needed more than just this. Why would they be kissing?

He could picture it now. She was stood in front of him a bag by her side, a wedding ring around her finger and a smile on her face as she told him that she loved him and she was coming home.

She was explaining how she had left Dawn and how he was the only one for her.

It wasn't him that instigated the kiss it was her. Yes that's how it happened and that's why they were kissing right now.

She finally wanted him.

She finally felt the same way.

They were finally a proper married couple.

"Dad?" Came the voice of his son and within a split second the illusion was shattered.

He looked up and was confronted with brown eyes, not the blue that he so often dreamt about.

He turned his eyes to the side to come face to face with John, Rachel and Ben.

His heart sank further when he spotted Dixie a few paces behind them, a few moments ago if he wasn't looking at the person on top of him, he could've pretended it was her but now there was no denying it.

He felt Zoë climb off him, she looked towards the door that was blocked by the others, so she stood off to the side.

A look of anger raged like a fire in John's eyes as he stormed over to where Jeff was.

"Back to your old tricks then?"

"John I..."

"You were never faithful to mum, once a cheater always a cheater."

He stood up to face him.

"Once a thieving junkie always a thieving junkie." He challenged refusing to back down.

John reached into his pocket and produced his wallet, throwing it back at his father.

"Okay I admit it I can't go a day without using. Now you admit it, you admit that you're a cheat."

"It's not that simple."

"Why isn't it?"

"Because..."

John pulled the email from out of his pocket and held it up to him, causing him to go quiet.

"So I've been told that Narnia is more factual than this email."

Jeff stared down at the ground focusing on his wallet that had been thrown down a moment previously.

"C'mon Jeffrey, two years we've been lying it's time to tell the truth." Dixie spoke up.

Jeff shook his head in disagreement.

"There's nothing untrue about they way I feel, that email is nothing but the truth."

"Jeffrey, stop."

"No Dix, read it through again I never once said that you loved back."

John looked confused.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Yes it's true we're married but it's a sham."

"You what?"

"It's a sham." He repeated.

"So all this crap about her being the love of your life isn't true?"

Jeff paused and looked up at him.

"So you admitted you were a drug addict?"

John merely nodded.

"Say it, I wanna hear you say it."

He looked away, chewing his bottom lip.

"John say it."

"Fine okay, my name is John Collier I'm an addict, satisfied?"

Jeff smiled before nodding his head.

"Well if you can do it so can I. My name is Jeff Collier and I'm in love with a lesbian."

Before John could take in his father's shock admission, Ben stepped in with a grin across his face.

" Two things, number one, acknowledging your problems is the first step to resolving them, which is progress, because to be honest I thought it would take at least three sessions to get to this stage."

"And number two?"

"You're a drug addict and a fool in love, if you want to do the whole my name is thing, become alcoholics."


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: I dedicate this chapter to Sarahloulabellx who helped me write the email. **

Ben placed his notes in order and reread them. Nothing that the young boy had said showed any indications that his father had been abusive or neglectful yet it was clear his father was far from perfect.

Despite this John was in a considerate amount of turmoil over his father, he was angry, he was upset and most of all confused.

He could understand where John was coming from, when he spoke about his frustrations with his father.

Ben had encounter Jeff Collier before, it had been almost four years ago when his partner had ran over a young girl on the Farmead estate. He had been so wrapped up in getting himself and Dixie back to work, he had failed to see how traumatised she was.

She was going through emotional turmoil and he was referring to it as an R.T.C like it was just a normal shift for them.

If Ben was to pinpoint the problem that would be it, he was too blind to see the bigger picture.

But there was hope yet, Jeff had eventually seen it for what it was and had proved himself to be a strong source of support for her.

Although Ben did have to wonder whether or not, that this could be rectified .He had sat and listened to the young boy and by the sounds of it, they had got the simplest of things wrong.

From what he had established, John hadn't trusted his parent's word and as a result the simple childhood pleasures that every kid should experience had been tainted.

Yes as a child he always had always been suspicious about what his parents had told him.

These suspicions dated back to when he was six years old, he had lost one of his front teeth and Lucy and Jeff had filled him in on the legend of the tooth fairy. He had been amazed that one fairy would be as nice as to hand over money for something as mundane as a tooth ,so that night he had gone to bed with high hopes about this mystical fairy that would swap his tooth for money.

He had been inconsolable that night when he awoke to find Jeff's hand under his pillow making the swap.

The story of how Jeff was filling in for the tooth fairy because she had had her wings pulled off by a naughty child had only made the situation worse. However much John wanted to believe that Jeff had treated the tooth fairy whilst at work that day, it kind of contradicted the story they had told him earlier about how the tooth fairy could only be seen by children.

Another thing he was suspicious of would have to be Santa Claus.

One Christmas Eve when John was eight he had laid out a plate of Mince pies and a glass of milk however Jeff had walked in and told him that Santa would much rather a pasty and a can of beer. John had found that odd considering that out of all the Christmas films and stories he'd seen, that had never been mentioned. In fact the only person he knew whose favourite food was that had been his dad.

The Easter bunny was also a sensitive subject. Some might have told him he was over analysing things however he couldn't help but feel doubtful when the Easter egg he had found in the boot of his mother's car turned up in his room with a label signed by the Easter bunny.

It also seemed pretty odd that the Easter bunny had the same handwriting as his mother.

Ben finished reading his notes and he was far from satisfied.

"Listen John, however much I'd like to blame all your problems on the Easter bunny then palm you off to the nearest rehabilitation centre, I know there is so much more that you haven't told me."

John merely shrugged wiping away the sweat off his brow.

Ben crossed his arms in impatience.

"Oh I'm sorry am I interrupting your high? Do you want me to wait whilst you shoot up again?"

"I don't know what more you want, you asked me to talk about how crap my old man was and I told ya."

He raised his eye brow, it had only been a few hours since his last session and already he looked desperate for more.

"I just don't buy it, for starters you've not even mentioned your parent's divorce. You said earlier he was a cheat?"

"Yeah, once he solved a Rubik cube by peeling off all the stickers and placing them back on so they were in the right order."

"How about we leave the sarcasm at the door and focus on the real problem here?"

He looked doubtful.

"Maybe it's not that simple."

Ben sighed, giving him a small nod of understanding.

"John, it's just you and I in here and what you tell me won't go any further than these four walls."

John had never considered himself to be an open person, he was never one to share his feelings and he had never had anyone he felt comfortable talking to. Rachel had tried to get him to open up but he had always been unwilling.

"Sophia always used to talk to me you know, she would tell me everything."

Ben brought his eyes down and flicked through his notes.

"Your sister?"

He slowly nodded. Ben couldn't be sure, although it would've seemed that a brief smile had graced his lips.

"Does she know that you're here?"

"No, it's better that way."

"For who?"

John paused for a moment, considering the question.

"Well for..."

"For you?"

John leaned back in his seat, he had never thought to deeply about how his decision had hurt his sister, he had always figured she would eventually be better off for it.

"No, I would give anything to see her."

"Lets be honest John, she will always come second whilst you're filling your body with that stuff."

"Don't you pretend to know me, you just presume that I willingly cut her out of my life."

His response was short and to the point, some would go as far as to call it plain bluntness however it was undeniably the wholehearted truth.

"You did."

John's silence further proved his point.

"Go then deny it."

"I can't."

Ben sighed, picking up the box of tissues that sat on his desk and passed them over.

"What am I meant to do with them?"

"You're crying."

He brought his hand up and placed it on his cheek before accepting the tissue.

"Maybe you're right, how can you ever understand how your sister feels when you're too drugged up to notice your own emotions?"

John wiped furiously at his eyes, desperately trying to suppress the emotion that was bubbling over.

"I thought because my dad had broken away and made a new life for himself, I could as well."

"John, your dad does love her like he says he did in that email."

A fresh set of tears streamed from his eyes, this time they for his dad.

"I almost wish he didn't, he loves her so much and she doesn't feel it back. How cruel is that?"

"That email has meant as much to you as she does to him."

"It gave me the motivation to leave home that day and it helped me get through the bad times that came with being so dependant on, well you know."

"Maybe its time to let go?"

"Can I read it one last time?"

Ben nodded as he picked up the tattered piece of paper and passed it over.

_John,_

_I am proud of you, you have turned into such a mature young man. My track history doesn't leave me smelling of roses, but I swear to you this time things are different, so different._

_I loved your mother, but we were just husband and wife things changed, people change. Dixie and I we know all the good and the bad things about one another and for all our flaws we accept each other for who we are._

_We have already been through so much and came out so much stronger. She isn't just my fiancé she's my best friend, my partner and my flat mate._

_We are around each other almost every minute of every day and I never get bored, she makes me laugh, makes me cry and even makes me act like a gentleman (don't you dare laugh at that Mr, I use a coaster now and everything)._

_You know people always say to me, how do you do it? You work long shifts with her, and then you live with her, how after spending that amount of time together do you still have things to talk about?_

_Well son, I always answer honestly and that would be that I don't have a clue. I guess it's because we are so comfortable in each other company that no conversation topic is off limits, whether it be a worry one of us has or just general crap, we will voice it to the other._

_We're not perfect, who is? We don't bottle up our problems nor do we pretend they're not there. If we have a problem we will argue it out in the most undignified and juvenile of ways until we reach a solution._

_It sounds petty and immature I know, but hey maybe we are. Who cares? I love her._

_Marriage doesn't have to be hard work, it doesn't have to be about backing down and it certainly doesn't mean sleeping around._

_I aint much of a romantic and to be honest it's hard to explain. I reckon this bloke Robert Fulghum had the right idea, his theory on it is._

"_We're all a little weird. And life is weird. And when we find someone  
>whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into<br>mutuall__y__weirdness and call it love .true love."_

_I don't know about you but I reckon he has summed it up way better than Shakespeare ever could._

_I thought when I married your mother she was love of my life but it looks as though I was wrong._

_People always told me I would know when I found the one. I aint the sharpest tool in the box and it looks like I may have misjudged first time around, but it looks like I've finally found the right one._

_I was making Dixie a coffee the other day and the thought suddenly occurred to me that I didn't even bother to remember how your mother took hers._

_There are so many small things I know about Dixie like;_

_Her favourite colour._

_Her favourite flower._

_Her favourite film._

_What brand of hair dye she uses._

_Her first concert._

_I even know what her mother's maiden name was._

_I hate to admit it son but I never took the time to get to know your mother and I wish I had because maybe then for your sake we could have made things work._

_I promise not to break any of my vows, no matter how tempted I am or how tough things get, I will never betray Dixie like I did your mother._

_I'm a better man now and my new life will be so different. As of next week we'll be Mr and Mrs Collier and I for one couldn't be happier._

_Hope to see you soon._

_Dad._

_Ps. you have got to see this you tube video its of a monkey playing trivial pursuit and it is hilarious!_

John finished reading and scrunched it up into a ball.

"Time to let go."

He got up out of his seat and with that he threw it into the waste paper bin on his way out.

He paused at the door.

"That is why it happened, he had created a life with her that I desperately wanted with my own family."

"And what is that?"

"No arguing, no cheating, he loves her and he took the time to be with her."

"But she married him because her dad was dieing it's not as if it was even real."

"That's what makes it worse, she's a lesbian and she's the most important person in his life."

"And now drugs are the most important thing in yours."

Ignoring his statement he pressed his hand down on the handle and stepped out.

He looked up and down the corridor, his dad was sat on a plastic chair clutching a cold cup of coffee and Rachel was stood up and pacing the floor.

Upon noticing him come out she ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Are you ready?"

He merely nodded taking hold of her hand.

Jeff stood up out of his chair and came over to where they were stood.

"C'mon son don't leave like this, I can get you help."

"I'm sorry." He replied his voice barely above a whisper.

"John, listen I know I aint been the best father but I'm here now."

He tightened his grip on Rachel's hand and took his first step toward the exit, he had found the strength to walk away from his family before and it was time to do it again.

A female voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

"It's been a year, you've proved your point now come home."

He quickly spun around and caught sight of his mother. Her voice had sounded firm but her face told a different story.

Her eyes were filled with tears and worry was etched all over her face. She had looked him up and down, just taking a few seconds to take in his appearance.

"Dixie phoned me." She said, this time her voice was choked as she swallowed back the tears.

She wanted to run over and take him in her arms, hold him tightly and tell him she loved him, except she wasn't sure how to.

Should she run over to him? Or should she wait for him to come to her?

She was still in shock, if she was to be honest with herself it didn't seem real when her ex husband's wife had phoned her, telling her the news she had been praying for over the past year.

Jeff walked over to Lucy and hesitantly placed his hand on her shoulder in attempts to comfort her.

"C'mon John, speak to her."

He brought his eyes down, his mother looked a mixture of heartbroken and shocked. He couldn't bear to look at the pain he had caused her.

"I'm sorry mum."

Once more he went to turn however the other door opened and that's when he crumbled.

His sister came in, he hadn't seen her in over a year and she had changed so much, she was nothing like the mental picture he had etched on his mind.

"John?"

He tried to look away, he mentally willed himself to keep walking but he couldn't.

In the end she took the decision away from him and ran up to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. She clung to him tightly as if her life depended on it, her fingers firmly gripping the fabric of his T-shirt.

Suddenly he let go of Rachel's hand. He felt his knees weaken as he sunk to the floor yet still Sophia kept hold of him.

"Please don't leave me again John." She pleaded crying into his chest.

He let the tears fall as he ran his fingers through her hair, inhaling her scent.

"He won't." Rachel spoke up before heading out the door.

"No Rach please."

She paused at the door and looked at his family, she wasn't going to take away his chance of recovery.

"You'll be fine."

She opened the door and hurried off down the corridor, she didn't allow herself to look back.

He unsteadily got to his feet in attempts to go after her however he felt the pull of his father's arms wrenching him backwards.

"What kind of father would I be if I let you go?"

"Not a very good one, but why change the habit of a lifetime?"

Lucy reached out wrapped her arms around him as did Sophia, they were his family and they weren't going to let him go again.


	27. Chapter 27

Dixie had always described herself as strong minded, she didn't care what people thought of her and this was what she considered as what got her by in life.

However it would seem she had had to rethink this.

She never cried yet here she was stood in E.D toilets allowing the tears to fill up in her eyes and cascade endlessly down her cheeks.

They weren't loud sobs, she considered herself more dignified than that. She placed her hand over her mouth in attempts to control them.

The day before had emotionally drained her, seeing her husband with another woman had hit her hard. It wasn't that she was jealous, it had hurt to see him doing such a sordid thing so soon after he had told her how he felt for her. Almost as if it had meant nothing and he had forgotten this as soon as someone better looking had came along.

She had phoned Lucy to tell her about John and they had got up there as fast as they could. Sophia had hugged her when she arrived. She thought Dixie was the loving wife to her father by now she probably knew the truth.

Dawn was oblivious to everything. She knew something wasn't right however Dixie wasn't opening up to her.

She took a deep breath in attempts to compose herself.

Her breathing still didn't feel right. It had been slightly off for days. Reaching into her pocket she produced her inhaler. She had found it the night before in one of her jackets that had been stuffed down the back of her wardrobe.

Giving it a few shakes she placed it into her mouth and took a deep inhalation.

She threw it to the side in infuriation to find that only air was being pumped out of it. She had only just found it and now it was empty.

"Flamin' useless."

She kicked it across the floor and turned back to her reflection. It didn't seem right, it wasn't the fact she looked unhappy it was more the fact that she was alone. Yes despite knowing that it was only her in the room she had been expecting to see Jeff by her side.

She would often imagine that she had caught him out of the corner of her eye or whenever Dawn dropped a cup in the kitchen her first reaction was I hope that wasn't his A team mug again.

She used to hate the sport shows he used to have blaring away but now she placed them on. She didn't watch it just felt good to have it on as a familiar background noise.

She still hadn't handed Little Abs back to Jeff yet, she couldn't bring herself to. Dixie knew that Dawn had bad allergies and every time she reminded her of this, she would lead her up stairs and the matter would soon be forgotten.

Reaching into her pocket again, she pulled out her purse, she unzipped it and produced a tattered and folded up photograph.

It was of her and Jeff on their wedding day before her dad had found out the truth. She had had a smile on her face but in truth she was full of anxiety, she had just married a man and her father was going to die.

Her smiled had seemed genuine enough as had Jeff's. She had presumed Jeff had been as nervous as she had. She knew he was convincing when it came to putting on an act, it had never struck her before that he had wanted anything more.

he missed him and she wanted things to go back to how they were.

How could they now? When he wanted so much more than what she could give him?

In any other circumstances she would've found this amusing, after all who would've thought it? She was in turmoil over a man.

She was abruptly pulled from her thoughts when the toilet door swung open and Tess stuck her head around the door.

"Dixie may I have a word?" Her tone was soft and she wore a sympathetic smile.

"Well actually I've got a shout."

Tess was unconvinced, the paramedic didn't seem to even have her radio strapped to her, let alone be attending to any calls.

"It won't take a second."

She exhaled loudly. Tess wasn't her favourite person on a good day.

"Right, fine."

She followed the senior Nurse to her office, if she wasn't worried before she was starting to feel a little uneasy. What could be so important that she couldn't tell her out there?

"Take a seat."

"Don't mess around. You've got me here now, so just tell me whatever it is that you've got to say."

Tess wasn't exactly sure how to handle this, she knew Dixie was probably the best one to ask however she was aware that she may not be willing.

"We've had a case this afternoon where someone was brought in with a severe case of food poisoning."

"You're honestly telling me you've called me back here to tell me that?"

Tess proceeded onwards ignoring her colleague's fowl mood and stony expression.

"His family doesn't live over here and we're out of options over who to call."

She shrugged.

"And..."

"He was once part of your team."

She uncrossed her arms and her look impatience soon turned to one of confusion.

"I've worked here six years, that doesn't really narrow it down."

Tess paused, considering how to tell her. In the end she opted for short and to the point.

"Greg Fallon."

He eyes widened in surprise. That was the last name she was expecting to hear.

"Come again?"

"Like I said we can't get hold of any family members and..."

Dixie placed her hand up to signal her to stop.

"Get someone else to sit with him."

"Most of the people who worked with him have moved on."

"You, Charlie and Jeff worked with him." She pointed out, unwilling to see him.

"Charlie is on a course and Jeff had taken time off to be with his son."

Dixie diverted her eyes to the ground. For a moment she had allowed herself to forget about the way things were between her and Jeff.

"Listen Dixie I know you two weren't exactly the best of friends..."

"And the award for understatement of the century goes to Tess Bateman."

She opted to ignore the sarcasm. Tess had learned over the years that sometimes the best way to deal with childish behaviour was to brush over it.

"I understand when he left you two were on friendly terms."

There was no denying that. Greg had been an emotional wreck and she had held him whilst he cried into her shoulder. She had told him he was a good paramedic and had even tried to convince him not to leave.

"Let's leave it at that then."

"The other night when Jeff's son was ill you spent the night at his bedside without hesitation."

"Ay hang on a minute, he's my step son that's a totally different story."

"Dixie he needs a familiar face right now." Tess reasoned.

She pondered her words for moment or so.

"How bad is he?"

"He'll be fine just but at the moment it's not very pleasant for him."

"And there's no one else?"

"There's no one else."

She sighed to herself.

"Go on then but I'm not promising to be nice."

Tess walked over to the door and held it open for her.

"Cubicle six."

She gave her no chance to change her mind as she hurried her out the door and abruptly swung it shut.

"Right Gregory, so we meet again." She said aloud making her way down the corridor and back down into the main department.

She hadn't seen him since the night he walked out on his job. She wondered if he had changed? She hadn't thought of him much and if she was being truthful Cyd hadn't crossed mind all that often either.

It seemed odd that the one woman that she had been so sure she was in love with had just completely disappeared from her life. She had convinced herself that Cyd had been the one for her.

When she left, she had thought that she would never get over it however Jeff had picked her up and showed her the way forward. It seemed ironic that this separation with Jeff (a man) would be more painful than the one she went through with Cyd all those years ago.

Another pang of guilt hit her, what Jeff was going through was exactly what Dixie had gone through. Dixie had fallen for Cyd who was straight and she had had to watch her build a relationship with Greg and now the roles had been reversed. Jeff had fallen for Dixie who was a lesbian and he had to watch her build a relationship with Dawn.

She dismissed these thoughts as arrived outside the blue curtain of cubicle six. She paused as she was met by the sound of retching, she figured Greg wouldn't exactly be welcoming of someone walking in on him whilst he was in the middle of that.

Satisfied he was done she pulled open the cubicle.

"Oh god, like that's going to cheer me up."

Despite his far from warm welcome she painted on a warm smile.

"Long time no see."

"You're hair is longer and you've toned down the bleach."

She looked him up and down, at the moment he had a pale complexion and he had been sweating a considerable amount, however he had still kept his attractive features that made all the girls go to mush and his long wavy hair had been scraped back into a tight pony tail.

"And yours is still in desperate need of a trim."

He opened his mouth to respond but instead found himself reaching for the sick bowl once more.

Her features softened as she found herself going over to him, she wrapped an arm around his shoulder and rubbed his back.

"Aww mate, its just not your day is it?"

Handing her the bowl he leant back down onto the gurney and pulled a blanket around himself.

"Why are you being nice to me? It used to be any excuse to get the boot in."

She placed down the bowl onto the side table, he was right she always used to be angry with him. He had what she so desperately wanted.

"Maybe I'm just pleased to see you."

"Now there's a first." He replied repeating the words he had told her the night he left.

"There's a first time for everything sweetheart."

He brought his hand up and wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"Bloody typical, I've been off travelling for the past few years and the moment I step foot back into Holby I get food poisoning."

"Travelling?"

"Yeah I went around America on a Harley, cost me an arm and leg but let me tell you nothing could beat the experience."

"So what brings you back here?"

"Money ran out."

There was a silence before he spoke again.

"So did I miss much?"

Before she could respond Big Mack pulled open the curtain.

"They've got a bed for you up on the ward."

She looked over at him once more.

"Well if they're keeping you in, I might as well fill you in."


	28. Chapter 28

Jeff and Lucy sat side by side at the top of the landing, a quick glance of his wrist watch showed it to be just after three in the morning.

"That's a woman's watch isn't it? And the face is cracked."

Jeff let out the yawn that he had been trying to suppress before turning to face her.

"It was Dixie's until she flung it out the ambulance window."

She chewed her bottom lip, placing a hesitant hand on his knee.

"What happened between you two? Did you..."

He looked away from her, focusing on a stain that marked the carpet.

"I know what you're thinking but I wouldn't. Not to her, never to her."

"You can hardly blame me. I know what you're like."

He sighed leaning back against the wall and resting his head up against the banister.

"Well I hate to break it to ya princess, but you weren't exactly an angel yourself."

Lucy edged away from him. She didn't want to cause any arguments. She often wondered whether if she and Jeff had worked through their marital problems in a mature way, John may have turned out different.

"I'm sorry its just John was rambling on about it earlier."

Jeff sat up straight, suddenly a lot more alert.

"What did he say?"

"He never made much sense before when he was like this, he's gotten worse."

He turned his gaze to the locked bedroom door where his son was.

"He's not stopped crying Luce, he aint stopped all night."

"You've not seen the worst of him yet, it's when he's abusive you've got to watch out for."

Jeff let out a mocking laugh.

"If being robbed by him and watching as he threatens my wife with a flip knife isn't his worst then God help us all."

She clasped her hand over her mouth. John had stooped to incredible lows before he had ran away the year before, however she hadn't expected to hear that.

"What did he take?"

"I say he threatened my wife and you're asking what he took."

"Except she's not your wife anymore, is she?"

He narrowed her eyes at her before wordlessly turning away.

"Is she?" Lucy repeated once more, determined to know the truth.

He sighed to himself and turned to face her, putting on his most convincing act once more.

"No that's you. You're not my wife anymore, me and Dix are fine."

"Jeff, I know you and I know that you can't help yourself."

"You see the thing is Luce unlike you she actually knows me, she knows how to make me happy."

She took a deep breath in through her nose, he was trying to spark an angry reaction and she was struggling to rise above it.

"How long for, until someone wearing a shorter skirt comes along?"

"Go on then I dare ya, tell me I was the only one who went looking for extras."

"Fine don't tell me, what do I care if Dixie has seen sense? Good for her."

Climbing to his feet he backed away from where she was perched, a look of anger becoming ever more present on his face.

"You wanna watch what you're saying."

"Struck a chord has it?"

"Until yesterday I hadn't gone near another woman, I wouldn't have gone near her if Dix hadn't asked for a divorce."

She rolled her eyes in disapproval.

"That's the attitude to have, don't fight her just move on to the next woman who's willing to have you."

"Shut up, just shut up."

"Great comeback, as always you have such a way with words."

The will to fight back slowly left him. He took a few more steps back until his back was up against the wall, where he slowly lowered himself down to the floor.

"I tried ya know, it was her that was off with other women."

She turned slightly so she could see him, her hardened features gradually softening into a smile.

"You always did have a sense of humour."

"I'm glad me being married to a lesbian has given you a good laugh."

There was a long silence as Lucy processed his last sentence, taking the time to interpret it and work out her reaction.

Her face turned from one of amusement to one of shock which quickly turned to confusion followed by a nervous laugh as she studied his expression for any indications that he could've been joking.

His features remained serious and his whole body seemed tense.

"Jeff, I just don't see how that would ...?" She started before trailing off unable to form the words she wanted to say.

He brought his eyes up to meet hers.

"And you thought our marriage was complicated."

She shook her head in disbelief.

"You can't be serious, this is a wind up its got to be."

He took a deep exhalation, letting out a laugh as he did so.

"Ha! A wind up? I aint that funny princess."

She opened her mouth to speak however no words could be formed nothing but a confused stammer of ill prepared responses.

"You lied."

Jeff sprang to his feet as his daughter's voice broke through the tense atmosphere.

"How long have you been stood there?"

"You lied." She repeated once more, tears filling up in her eyes.

"No sweetheart I..."

She pushed her him away from her and ran over to where her mother was.

Lucy quickly scrambled to her feet and pulled her into a tight hug, running her fingers through her hair.

"I'm as confused as you are."

She shot him a look of warning urging him to salvage the situation.

"It's not as bad as it sounds."

She pulled away from her mother, looking at him with a mixture of betrayal and anger.

"You should've helped us with John."

He visibly flinched, the thought of his thirteen year old daughter having to deal with the weight of her older brother's drug problem made him feel sick.

"I didn't know."

"For a year! You would've found out if you'd have bothered to come see us, if you'd have called." She screamed out causing her parents to take a step back.

Lucy held out her hand in attempts to calm her.

"C'mon Sophia we need to help your brother now, whatever has happened with your dad doesn't matter."

She stepped away from he mother a look of venom and intense anger burning in her eyes.

"Yes it does, he chose her over us and it was for nothing."

"It may seem like nothing to you but it aint that simple."

"It is you chose her over us, you loved her more."

Jeff diverted his eyes to the ground.

"I didn't love her more but maybe I loved her better."

That was all he could offer. It was the truth, he didn't love his children any less however he hadn't loved them as well as he could have.

Yes the way he felt about them had never changed but what he did for them certainly had.

She looked over to the locked door of where her brother was.

"I want to see my brother."

"Not when he's like this."

"He's my brother, I don't care."

Behind the other side of the door John could hear the raised voices of his family. He way lying on the floor, he wasn't sure how long he had been there. It must have been a while however everything just seemed like a blur.

Tears still stained his face except he didn't have the strength to wipe them away.

He must have still been missing Rachel, he couldn't tell anymore. The pain had been numbed.

He recognised the discussion outside as a negative one, he didn't care not anymore in fact he could hardly hear what they were saying it was blurred like he was listening to a poorly tuned radio.

His sleeves were still rolled up, he hadn't bothered to pull them down.

His parent's had thought they had stripped him of any substances he had. They were wrong, he had learned to be devious, he never took chances.

He had kept a clear bag of flour in his opposite pocket and had been perfectly willing to hand it over.

After all they had told him to hand the bag over. They didn't specify which bag, they just assumed they knew what was in it.

He could feel the plastic of the syringe in his hand yet he couldn't grip it, his fingers had a tingling sensation in them.

He hadn't controlled how much he took, he was too desperate for that. He couldn't remember how much he took.

More than usual maybe?

He felt hot, boiling hot and the sweat was dripping off him. He didn't feel good, he wasn't sure how he felt.

He must have been face down, he was lying in something yet he couldn't pull himself out of it.

He couldn't move, he wasn't sure if he was even awake.

Breathing was constricted, he should have been fighting for breath but he couldn't.

He heard a click.

A door being flung open.

A scream of horror.


	29. Chapter 30

John Collier took a deep breath and found himself stood on a pavement. Confused he looked around the area.

He recognised it clearly it was the street in which he used to live before he left home. He was over the opposite side of the road from the house. Up the drive he could see his step father's car and there was a basketball hoop attached to the garage.

What was he doing here?

The last thing he could remember was being at his father's house. He had taken something and was lying on the floor.

He could remember screams, the voices of his family begging him to wake up, being rolled onto his side.

The rest was just a blank.

He would've been okay, wouldn't he? His father was medically trained with stuff like that. He must have treated people in those situations hundreds of times.

What was he doing here?

Why was he here?

How did he even get here?

He looked down at himself, he looked the same as he ever had.

The front door of the house opening caused him to look up. He was expecting to see him mum, Sophia or Alan.

To his shock it was himself, like he was watching from a parallel world.

He saw himself stop and look across the road, however he seemed to look right through him as if he wasn't there.

He noticed how he had a rucksack swung over his shoulder and was at least a year younger.

The door swung open and he saw his sister run out after him, she was calling his name, she was begging him not to go.

It was a familiar sight, one that he had already lived through .

It seemed to be the day he left home.

The day he and Rachel left London.

The day he chose drugs over his family.

He watched himself walk coolly down the pavement. From where he was stood his younger self seemed heartless over what he was doing, he looked unfazed.

John knew different, he knew how painful it was for him that day.

He wondered if he could talk to him?

What would he say?

He left himself no time for further questions, he picked up his pace and jogged over to the other side of the road.

He picked up the pace until he was directly behind himself.

He paused unsure of how to reach out to him. He could see just from the back how much of a difference there was.

He took a deep breath.

"Can I talk to you?"

It had worked, he came to an abrupt stop and turned to face him.

Upon taking a look at him, John took a step back in shock. It had been a mere year since he had left and the differences were unbelievable.

He looked at his former self. His drug problem was in its infancy, had only just began to take hold.

He still looked from the outside a relatively average teenager. He was still an average weight, a far cry from what he was now. Food was never a high priority for John, as long as he satisfied his cravings, he would be happy to forfeit eating.

He was still well dressed in clean clothes.

Overall he seemed well groomed and maybe even healthy.

If John didn't know about the track marks up his arms that had been concealed by the jacket, he would presume this person to be a perfectly average teenager.

The younger self just seemed to look right through him, there was no doubting that he had heard however it appeared he couldn't see.

John waved his hand in front of the younger boy's face.

Nothing. Just a blank look.

After a while he turned and started to walk onwards.

John let out a sigh and sunk down onto the pavement, he was gone and there was no way of stopping him.

He wasn't entirely sure what he would've even said to him.

He hadn't thought about this day in much detail in a while, he himself had seen it as liberation, a chance to set himself free.

It had never occurred to him that he had perhaps submerged himself further.

It seemed ironic that after a year of living on the streets, the one place he would end up taking too much would be at his father's house surrounded by his family.

He wouldn't have wanted them there. The only person who would've brought him any comfort would've been Rachel.

Was that what dieing was?

He'd never really thought too hard about it.

He had never considered himself vulnerable, he always felt untouchable when he did it. He never would've dreamt that one day it would catch up on him.

When he had first met Rachel, she had told him a boy like him wouldn't last two minutes living the life she led.

He had been determined to prove her wrong, his addiction was too strong and his love for her was undeniable. With these two factors in mind he had left behind his life at home and switched it for hers.

She was right, he had indeed been ill equipped for that life style. He wasn't street wise nor did he know how to protect himself.

Everything he knew was taught by her, she taught him how to deal with every threat and danger that came with their life and she got him through the rough patches when he wanted to give up.

He would've been nothing without her.

Once more he looked around the area, no one could see him. It was as if he wasn't there.

He couldn't feel anything. It wasn't the same numbness he got from when he was high. It was just nothing.

It was like he didn't fit his own body anymore.

A puddle was in front of him, everything around him showed up in the reflection. Everything, except him himself.

Had he really done this?

Had he really killed himself?

He had never meant for that to happen, all he wanted was to feel good, to forget that she had left him.

What would everyone think?

Would they believe it was deliberate or would they see it was just an accident?

He could picture how his sister would've reacted. She would've been inconsolable. He had made so many promises to her.

He had told her he would always be there for here.

He had told her she could always trust him.

He had told her that he would never let her down.

Broken. Every single promise he had made was broken.

He wanted to feel more emotion, he wanted to cry, to shout, to scream out, but he couldn't he was losing all feeling.

He couldn't see clearly anymore. His vision was blurring, sending all his surroundings into darkness.

He laid himself down allowing it to swamp him.

A firm grip on his shoulder wrenched him back into the sitting position.

A firm assertive voice came with the grip.

"Are you just giving up? Why don't you fight?"

He couldn't see the person, his vision was too far gone.

"Look at me, if you want to see me, you will."

He focused his vision, determined to face the voice. After a moment or so the darkness began to be replaced by colour which was shortly followed by clear vision.

He was stunned to come face to face with his younger self once more.

"You came back?"

He slowly shook his head.

"I'm still going to leave, you can't change anything that has already happened."

John bowed his head down.

"You know what is going to happen in just over a year right?"

His younger self crossed his arms, shooting him a venomous look.

"I die after you take too much of this?" he asked producing the bag containing the lethal substance from out of his pocket.

"Hey it was your choice too, don't pin this on me."

"Well I aint being funny mate, but at this point in time I would be determined to save myself."

John looked over at him in disbelief. Was he really receiving a lecture off himself?

"I didn't want this to happen."

"You would really leave Sophia? You would really die without at least trying to get Rachel back?"

He found the strength to get to his feet.

"There was nothing I could do, it was too quick."

The younger one shook his head in disagreement.

"You need to be more determined to save yourself, let them help you."

John looked at him with sheer confusion.

"How can I?"

"Can't you hear it?"

"Hear what?"

The younger one made the shushing gesture with his finger.

The sound of beeping machines and panicked voices could be heard.

"_**No output he's been down for thirty minutes."**_

He recognised the voice. It was the same man who had treated him the day his father brought him to the e.d.

There was female voice as well.

"_**Continue CPR, Scarlet keep pushing those fluids."**_

"_**Zoë, he's not responding."**_

"_**No Nick we're not giving up."**_

He felt the glare of his younger self upon him.

"Why don't you respond? Let them treat you."

"_**Right, let's shock him, everyone stand clear."**_

He felt a charge run through his body sending him falling backwards to the floor.

"Did you feel that?"

John merely nodded as he got to his feet.

"_**We've got output, pulse is thready but its there, pupils still dilated, continue CPR."**_

A sudden intake of breath shot in through his mouth filling his lungs.

"_**Respiratory rate improving."**_

"Do it again."

Doing as he was told John, took another deep inhalation of breath.

"_**We've got him."**_

He sat up, wiping the sweat off brow.

"Now get up."

Once more he followed the orders and unsteadily got to his feet.

"_**Well done everyone, he's stable. I'll go talk to the parents."**_

"Now what?"

"Promise me you'll find her?"

"I'll do whatever it takes."

He held out his arms to him.

John raised his eye brow.

"You want a hug?"

There wasn't any time to wait for a reply, instead he felt himself collapsing. His fall was broken by young John catching him and slowly lowering him to the ground.

"Nah I just thought I'd catch ya."

"Oh God, I feel sick."

"_**Let's roll him, quickly onto his side."**_

He felt his stomach heave and a sick bowl was placed under his chin allowing him to retch violently into it.

He felt himself being placed down onto his back. Up above him was bright lights and he was lying out on a hospital gurney.

"He's conscious."

An older man was looking over him.

"John? My name is Charlie you're in the E.D"

He took a deep breath, giving the friendly nurse a weak smile. He wasn't going to waste this second chance.

He was going to find Rachel.

He was going to be there for his family.

He was going to beat this addiction.


	30. Chapter

Greg Fallon reversed the ambulance back into the bay and sighed to himself. It wasn't so long ago that he was travelling around America and now he was back in Holby doing his old job after a bout of food poisoning.

This was not something that had gone unnoticed by Dixie.

"So maybe getting a hoax call on your first shift back wasn't the buzz you were looking for but..."

"But what?"

She shrugged.

"Of recent times, I find a lot of my questions don't have answers"

"That's deep for you."

She playfully punched him on the arm.

"Ay I'm full of profound statements me."

"Well after the past few days, nothing you can say will shock me now."

She let out a small laugh.

"People do marry, Gregory."

"Last time I checked it wasn't all that common for a lesbian to marry a man."

"I have you know, I'm in a very stable relationship with a very nice woman."

"Stable and nice? Sounds thrilling."

She shot him a look of disapproval.

"Dawn makes me ..." She started before trailing off.

"Happy?"

"Hmmm."

"Hmmm what?"

"Just hmmm."

He leaned over the steering wheel deciding to let the subject drop.

"Have you seen Jeff since his son...?"

"Overdosed?"

" There's no need to be so blunt."

She exhaled loudly, fiddling with the zip of her jacket.

"Well he had a bag of heroin and he took too much, what other name is there for it?"

"Any amount of heroin taken by a kid of that age is too much."

"Do you think I should go see him?"

He thought for a moment.

"From where I'm stood..."

"You're sat down."

He rolled his eyes and rephrased.

"From where I'm sat, it seems to me that having your son hooked up to hospital bed is enough to mess your head up as it is, without having you there to drive him even crazier."

"And you call me blunt?"

"Well just saying if I was in love with a woman and I thought she was the one, it would really sting to find out she's a lesbian."

"Find out? He knew all along!"

"Well Dix you can't help who you fall in love with."

"Selfish git. We had it good before he decided he was in love with me."

"Yes because it was really that simple. He just woke up one morning and said, hey! I'm going to fall in love with my Lesbian partner today."

"Remind me again, why I asked you to rejoin the team."

Before the matter could be discussed further the voice of the operator announced that they had a shout at a chocolate factory.

Greg fired up the engine.

"Now this should be interesting."

"Last time we had a shift at one of those places, I nearly drowned in the stuff."

"Ha I remember you jumped in."

"I was rescuing a patient."

"That was just an excuse, you just liked swimming in chocolate."

"Focus on the road."

Meanwhile over by the doors of the E.D Jeff watched on as the ambulance pulled away. He sighed to himself and lit his third cigarette of the day. Since his night out with Zoë he had been smoking them constantly.

John had been slowly recovering from the overdose up in the wards. He had seemed agitated however he was no longer calling out for drugs like he had done previously.

The cravings had hit him hard as they always did except it was different this time, his solution was no longer to satisfy those cravings but to work through them. To Jeff this was progress although he wondered how long this could last.

Out of the doors came Zoë with her packet of cigarettes.

"Fag break already is it?"

She laughed.

"You too so I see."

"After the past few days I've had."

"How is he?"

Jeff slowly exhaled, allowing the smoke to seep out through his lips.

"Getting there."

"He was lucky, if you hadn't have kept him alive God knows what would've happened."

"Lets not beat around the bush, you and I both know exactly what would've happened."

She lightly paced her hand on his shoulder.

"Well it was a good thing you were there."

"Nah, I let him down."

"You're too hard on yourself."

He sighed to himself stubbing out his cigarette and proceeding to light another one.

"I didn't search his pockets properly and it was Sophia that took the initiative to go check on him."

"It would've been impossible to have had a constant eye on him."

"I was trying to get one over on his mother, we were arguing and down the corridor our son was dieing, what kind of parents does that make us?"

She was silent for a moment, pondering over how to respond. In the end she opted for wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him into a comforting embrace.

"Well it beats a slap and being told to pull myself together."

"I could be tempted."

After a few seconds, he lightly patted her back and brought the hug to a close.

"Cheers Zo." He smiled leaning over and giving her peck on the cheek.

"Anytime."

He glanced his watch.

"I best be getting back to John, he's probably chewed up the pillows by this stage, either that or he's climbing the walls."

"It will get better, just you watch. If he's anything like you he can beat this."

"If he's anything like me there will only be one way he could beat it."

A look of confusion appeared on her face.

"And what would that be?"

"She just over five foot, scraggly brown hair and is also in dire need of detoxing."

"You what?"

"She answers to the name of Rachel, if we're being specific."

"Wait, sorry, who now?"

"The one thing that he loves more than his habit."

"Sounds a special girl."

"She's young Zo, same age as him and she's out there living on the streets."

"She just needs a bit of guidance."

"I'm gonna find her you know, for him I will find her."

"Listen Jeff are you sure that's such a good idea? Surely she'll just submerge him further."

He shook his head.

"He can't do this without her, he needs a reason to fight it and she can be that reason."

"He will get over her, wont he?"

"No, no chance. I've seen the way he looked when she walked away, love like that can't be shrugged off."

"Love like that?"

"Let's just say I'm talking from experience."

He stubbed out his cigarette and made his way back towards the entrance.

"Jeff?"

He stopped in his tracks, turning to face her once more.

"What is it?"

"Sometimes love like that can do more harm than good."

"Something tells me you're no longer talking about John and Rachel."

"Maybe you should find someone who can love you in the same way you love her."

"You know what Zo? I'd rather admire from a distance than settle for anyone less than her."

"Then be prepared for a very lonely life."

"Never, I shall continue to fool myself into believing that one day she will feel the same."

"And do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you always stand by that?"

He glanced behind him and proceeded to turn.

"If I didn't I'd go mad but for now I can push it to the back of my mind because right now my son needs me."

**A/N: Anyone else remember that chocolate factory episode? :D xx**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: This takes place a few days after the last chapter.**

Sophia Collier nervously lingered outside her brother's hospital room. It had been just over a week since he had overdosed and the doctor's were thinking of discharging him soon.

She didn't want him to leave hospital.

If he was in hospital he was safe and he had people keeping an eye on him to make sure that he wouldn't repeat his actions.

She couldn't face him returning, where they would have to be constantly on their guards making sure he didn't run off and get into trouble. He had only been back in her life just over a week and all the old feelings of worry and dread had resurfaced.

"Don't just stand there. Come in."

Despite the groggy edge to his voice, he still sounded cheerful. It always amazed her how he could put on that cheery act, even in his darkest times he could put on a good show.

"I thought you were asleep?"

He held out his hand for her to take.

"I haven't slept in days sweetheart."

This hadn't surprised her. He never could sleep when he was suffering withdrawal. She and her mother always used to stay up with him to make sure that his erratic behaviour didn't cause him any harm.

She took hold of his hand, taking care not to bodge the drip.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I've taken a bad hit."

She painted on a false smile and ran her fingers through his hair.

"You mister are in desperate need of a hair cut."

"I'm sure dad will tell you that having too much hair is better than taking after your old man."

She found herself laughing however this was short live as emotion and tiredness took over, replacing the laughs with sobs and sending the tears down her cheeks.

A look of guilt flashed in her brother's eyes. Despite his weakness he sat himself up and swung his legs over the bed, pulling her into a tight embrace.

"C'mon princess, I never meant to cause you any of this grief."

She merely buried her face into his chest, gripping the fabric of the hospital gown with her fingers.

"You probably see me as a coward, don't ya?"

She shook her head in disagreement, gripping his hand tightly.

"You know I never stopped thinking about you, in the words of Elvis Presley you were always on my mind."

She pulled away the tears replaced with a laugh.

"Ay there you go, that's what I like to see."

"You think you're hilarious don't you?"

"Well I hate to break it to ya sweetheart, but you think I am too."

She playfully punched him on the arm in response.

"So I don't see you denying it."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're bigheaded?"

"Yes by you, repeatedly."

He held out his arms and she leant back into them, bringing her legs up so that she was sat on his lap.

"You know I'm too old for this."

"You're never too old for a cuddle off your big brother."

"You just sounded really gay then."

"Way to kick a man when he's down."

She leant in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Who is she? That girl who is she to you?"

"Rachel, she's my girlfriend."

"She left."

"I'm not going to let her be gone for long."

She sighed shuffling off his lap onto the bed.

"Why don't you just get better, instead of going after her?"

"Oh Soph, you wouldn't understand.

She stood up, giving him a shove in infuriation.

"Ay what was that for?"

"For fuck's sake John!"

"Don't you bloody swear at me."

The door swung open and in walked their father.

"Whoa what's all this shit I'm hearing? No matter how bad things get ,there is no need for foul language."

"But you just..."

"Don't backchat me John."

John turned back around in the bed and pulled the covers over himself.

"You lot are mental, you know that?"

"That aside you seem in better spirits today."

"Oh yeah I'm ticketyboo, I'm in a hospital bed and my girlfriend is out there on the streets doing shameful things for cash which she will later spend on..."

Jeff held up his hand to signal him to stop.

"Right ok, I just meant you're looking better."

"Been off to cop a feel of that doctor have ya?"

"I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer."

Sophia placed a hand on Jeff's arm.

"Don't take anything he says too literally, he doesn't know what he's saying when he's like this."

"I'm right here, don't talk about me as if I'm not in the room."

"He's also prone to irrationality."

"Oh I am, am I? That's a big word for a girl of your age."

"And irritable."

"No I'm fucking not, just shut up."

"Defensive too."

"You're a little bitch."

"And insulting."

Jeff walked over to the bed and poured him a glass of water.

"How about you just drink this and calm down?"

"No I aint drinking that, you're trying to poison me."

"Did I mention paranoia?"

Jeff exhaled loudly, placing down the glass.

"You do that all by yourself when you inject that crap into yourself."

John turned away from his father pulling the sheets over his head.

"Oh yeah that's real mature John."

"Dad, let's go for a walk you can't talk to him when he gets like this. He'll be alright if you give him space to cool off."

"Don't pretend you know me."

"I'm your sister, of course I know you."

Jeff wrapped his arm around her.

"That walk sounds good."

She offered him a weak smile, taking him by the hand and guiding him to the door.

"That's it bugger off, don't bother coming back either."

"Love you too son."

Jeff and Sophia paused at the door, taking a final look at him before making their way down the corridor.

"Dad he doesn't mean it, he can turn in a second."

"You've had so much to deal with."

"I know it's not him, it's the drugs that are making him act like that."

A male voice from behind them brought the conversation to an abrupt end.

"Jeff?"

Jeff turned to face him.

"Alright Greg me old son? How's being back working out for you?"

Greg looked down at the ground for a moment. Jeff noted how he seemed upset.

"Are you alright mate?"

Greg swallowed back the lump in the back of his throat, running his fingers through his hair.

"Uh you were um..."

"I was what?"

"You were the only contact on her file. You're her next of kin and we couldn't get hold of the girlfriend."

"And you talking about..."

"Dixie, yes." He confirmed his voice barely above a whisper.

Jeff caught his breath.

"What's going on here?"

"We were on a shout. There was a fire it was only seemed small with only a few casualties but it was worse than what was first thought and it took hold really quickly, there was smoke everywhere."

"Oh God please tell me she's alright."

"There was so much smoke, I thought she was behind me. Honestly I did and then I couldn't see her there was just too much smoke."


	32. Chapter 32

Lynda Andrews had never considered herself as good with children. Despite all her training over the years of how to deal with distraught patients and relatives, she could never work out what the best form of tact would be when comforting a child.

Since having her niece and nephew come to live with her she had improved a bit, however she had been less than willing when Tess had asked her to look after the daughter of her paramedic colleague.

She had one hand on the young girl's knee and the other had a firm comforting grip on her hand.

"Would you like me to call your dad in?"

Sophia shook her head, taking a deep a breath to steady herself.

"No, he's upset about Dixie."

Despite her young age, Lynda could see how considerate her colleague's daughter was. Her father had received the news about his wife just over an hour ago and Sophia had really pulled through for him. It was only in the recent ten minutes when he was out of sight that she had let her guard down.

"Ay you don't need to bottle it up. You're upset too, right?"

Sophia slowly nodded. She had a look of guilt in her eyes and was chewing her bottom lip as she did so.

"I was so angry at her."

"Lets not worry about that now, the fire was horrific and there was nothing anyone could've done to stop it, so don't make this harder by feeling guilty."

"It's just I thought some horrible stuff about her, she let my dad fall in love with her all the while knowing that she wasn't going to love him back."

Lynda slowly nodded, taking in the young girl's words.

"What happened was a freak accident and I'm sure she wouldn't have held it against you for wanting to defend your dad."

"I'm just glad I didn't say any of what I thought to her, I would be feeling a whole lot worse right now."

"You know Sophia, she never set out to hurt him when she married him."

She pulled away and got to her feet.

"I don't know what to think, John is in such a bad way and dad isn't coping."

"He's had a bad shock today, he's not going to be on top form after getting news like that."

Sophia shook her head.

"And John, whats his reasons for not being on top form?"

Lynda paused unsure of how to answer the question.

"Plenty of addicts do get clean you know."

"My brother is more than just an addict, he is the best brother when he isn't thinking about drugs and he's funny and he had ambition."

"And he can be all that again."

"I used to talk to him about everything, he was always a good listener and he really looked out for me, at times he was more like a dad than a brother."

Lynda stood up to join her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to offer comfort.

"I do know how you feel Sophia."

"You have to say that, it's your job to make out like you care."

"No really I do, my sister is like your brother."

Sophia looked up at her, her tense expressions slowly softening.

"Oh I'm sorry... I didn't realise."

"It's alright, I just I know how hard it is to see someone you love go through it."

Sophia looked down at the ground.

"It just happened so quickly. He went from being the most fun loving person you could meet to completely out of control."

"I know sweetheart, it's not pretty is it?"

"I just can't understand what he gets from it."

"Maybe if you asked him, he could tell you."

She shook her head.

"He doesn't know himself."

Before anything more could be said the door opened and in walked Dawn and Jeff.

"Cheers Lynda, I can take it from here."

Lynda offered the young girl a reassuring smile on her way out.

"You know where I am if you wanna talk, yeah?"

"Thanks."

Jeff and Dawn waited for the door to close before they spoke.

"So this is your daughter?"

Jeff placed a light hand on her arm and led her to the sofa in the corner.

"That's sweet of you princess but I don't think either of us are in any mood for small talk."

She ran her fingers through her hair before bringing her hands down and smoothing out the creases in her trousers.

"Sorry I just feel so..."

"Me too, me too."

She wiped furiously at her eyes in attempts to contain the flow of emotion.

Jeff chewed on his bottom lip unsure of how to comfort her.

"Ay, come here you."

She allowed her shoulders to slump as she slowly relaxed into his arms.

"She always seemed so tough."

"She was always my..."

"You're what?"

"Nothing .Sorry, I'm babbling."

There was a painfully long awkward silence that lingered in the air. Sophia shifted her weight from foot to foot watching the interaction between her father and his wife's girlfriend.

His wife's girlfriend? It sounded bad when she silently thought it.

She wondered what it would sound like of she said it aloud?

Fortunately for her, she didn't need to break the silence. Two gentle knocks on the door and the head of department entering achieved that.

Jeff quickly got to his feet.

"Did you check Greg over? I know he seemed alright but you can never be too careful can ya?"

"We have, there's a small amount of smoke inhalation but other than that he's completely fine."

"Oh thank god, I don't think I could take it another one..."

The smile on Mr Jordan's face cut him off mid sentence.

"What are you smiling at? my wife has just been..."

He held placed a firm hand on his shoulder, making the shushing gesture with his finger.

"We've received a call saying the recovery work has been done."

A thunderbolt of fear, dread and anxiety him out of no where causing him to sink back onto the sofa.

"Oh God they want me to identify her don't they?"

Dawn got to her feet.

"Let him finish."

Nick proceeded onwards.

"Out of all the fatalities that were on the scene, none of them matched her description and there was no doubt about it."

A look of realisation came across Sophia's face.

"So she might still be alright?"

"There's no might about it, she is alright."

Jeff unsteadily got to his feet, keeping one hand on the sofa for support.

"Then where the hell is she? If she's alright why hasn't anyone seen or heard from her in over three hours?"

"We got a call from Saint James's, the smoke inhalation got the better of her but fortunately she was found by their team and they say she is now fully conscious and are confident that after a night or two under observation, she will make a full recovery."

Dawn exhaled loudly in relief.

"Thank you, thank you so much."

"You can visit her as soon as you can get there."

She smiled gratefully, pulling her car keys out of her pocket.

"Can I give you a lift Jeff?"

He took a moment of pause, looking from Sophia to Dawn.

"Well I..."

A look of hurt flashed in Sophia's eyes, which she promptly attempted to mask.

"It's alright, I'll stay with John."

He sighed and looked back to Dawn, walking over to her and taking her by the hands.

"Look after Dixie, yeah?"

"Of course, I will."

"Just stick to that, because you won't find better."

She merely nodded making her way towards the door. He waited until both she and Mr Jordan had left before he turned to Sophia again.

"How about you be my best girl?"


	33. Chapter 33

**One week later.**

Jeff lifted his former wife's suitcase into the back of her car.

"C'mon Luce. Soph needs to get back to school and you said yourself that you couldn't afford to take anymore time off work."

She nervously chewed her bottom lip, glancing back at the house.

"He's not been out of hospital long and you saw how he was this morning."

"I don't know about you, but staring vacantly into space beats climbing the walls any day."

Sophia who had been listening to her parent's discussion spoke up.

"Are you sure you'll be alright on your own with him?"

Turning to face her, he cupped her face in his hands, brushing the hair out of her eyes as he did so.

"Listen sweetheart, he wants to get better and I'm with him all the way."

She offered him a weak smile in attempts to mask her doubt.

"Have you heard from...?" She started before trailing off.

He slowly shook his head, he had been tempted at several points during the week to give her a call however each time he had managed to hold back.

"It will take a lot more than a bit of smoke inhalation to bring her down."

Despite the confidence in his voice, it was the look of doubt that momentarily flashed across his face that gave him away, a look that no smile could ever disguise.

Lucy stepped forward taking her daughter by the hand and guiding her towards the car. Lucy placed her hand on the door handle giving Jeff a final glance.

"I'm going to trust you this time. But I'm warning you, if I sense for even a second that you're marital issues are affecting John's recovery, I will be back in an instance."

He made the saluting gesture, a cheeky smirk forming.

"Yes sergeant."

She climbed into her car shooting him another look of warning.

"Stop moping over your wife and be a good father."

Wordlessly he gave her a nod of agreement and stepped back onto the pavement. He continued to watch as the engine roared into life and the car slowly made it's way down the road. He held his smile and continued to way until it was around the corner and out of sight.

The smile quickly dropped. He turned back around to face the building, taking a deep breath and repeating Lucy's words for encouragement.

"Stop moping over your wife and be a good father."

"Wise words indeed." Came a familiar female voice from behind him.

Startled he turned around to her.

"Blimey Zo, are you trying to finish me off?"

"Well you've taken another few days off so I thought I'd check in on you."

"You're making a habit of popping up from nowhere."

She gestured to the other side of the road.

"I drove over here and parked over there, you could hardly call that popping up from nowhere."

His features softened slightly, allowing him to relax into a laugh.

"Fair point."

She looked past his shoulder in the direction of the house, almost as if she could see right through the walls.

"So how is everything?"

He looked at her for a moment, in that instance her company seemed very appealing, his relationship with Dixie had broken down and spending the night watching over his withdrawn son was not an idea he relished.

He reached out placing a light hand on her arm.

"Fancy a cuppa?"

She seemed surprised. After the discussion they had had the week before, when she told him he would be very lonely if he didn't let go of his wife, she thought she would be the last person he would want to talk to.

"Got anything stronger?"

A look of amusement flashed in his eyes.

"Well, well Doctor Hanna. Are you trying to get me hammered again?"

She winked at him.

"C'mon Jeff, surely you could handle one?"

"I've got half a bottle of plonk in the fridge."

"Lead the way."

Doing as ordered Jeff proceeded up the garden path, towards the front door. Leading her into the house, he couldn't help but feel pleased that a woman like Zoë would ever show any interest in him. In the past when he was married to Lucy he always used to have a big headed high opinion of himself however since meeting Dixie he had changed his attitude.

If he had met Zoë five years ago, he would've tried it on with her without hesitation however now the concept of marriage seemed to have a more solid meaning to it.

She spoke up, abruptly pulling him out of his thoughts.

"How's he been?"

It took him a moment to process her words. He followed her gaze to the living room where John was sat on the sofa, watching the telly in an absent minded trance.

"He was fine two days ago, hysterical yesterday and he's shut himself off today."

Wordlessly she walked into the room taking a seat next to the troubled teenager. John didn't register her presence it was as if he wasn't even there, just the shell of his body with his mind in a completely different world.

Jeff sighed to himself and wandered over to where John was sat, snapping his fingers in his face which soon sent him crashing back around to reality.

"Are you going to say hello to Zoë?"

A look of confusion came across his features as he turned to face her.

"Oh, how long have you been there?"

She opened her mouth to reply however Jeff beat her to it.

"Nice to see ya still got a basic concept of time son."

Letting the joke wash over him, he turned his attention back to the television screen and continued to stare at it.

Determined to help, Zoë persevered further.

"So John, what are you watching?"

John turned to face her and shrugged.

"I'm not really sure."

Jeff rolled his eyes in disbelief.

"So you've been watching them back to back all morning, yet you're telling me that you have no idea what it is?"

Ignoring his father he spoke to Zoë.

"Do you know what it is?"

She diverted her eyes to the television screen and took in the detail. She noted the canned laughter, she could see the setting was in a seventies style flat, the characters were three men with London accents. There was an old man with a thick white beard, and then there was the two younger men, one looked slightly older than the other and there was a large height difference between them.

"It looks like Only Fools And Horses to me."

"Oh." He merely replied.

A wave of frustration came over Jeff as he gestured to the television screen.

"C'mon son, surely you've seen this before."

Once more he was met with a shrug.

"Right, me and Zoë are going in the kitchen."

Offering John a smile and a brief pat on the knee, Zoë got to her feet and followed Jeff into the kitchen.

Sat at the kitchen table she watched on as Jeff pulled two wine glasses out of the cupboard and place the bottle down on the table.

"I'm hoping he'll perk up tomorrow."

"It's going to take time."

"But how much time? It's just one thing after another."

"Hey less than a month ago, we were reviving him after an overdose and now he's not taken anything since, whatever way you look at it, that's progress."

He nodded his head, dividing the wine between the two glasses.

"Maybe it's just me, ay?"

"You're too reserved, you have committed yourself to a love that you know won't ever happen."

"Stranger things have happened." He joked in attempts to lighten the situation.

"You can move on Jeff."

"How?"

She placed a hand on his arm.

"By taking the first steps."

He raised an eyebrow, lowering his voice to seductive whisper.

"Any suggestions?"

She didn't miss a beat.

"Take me out."

He relaxed into a smile, considering her request.

"What would a sophisticated bird like you want with a bloke like me?"

"Keep putting yourself down Jeff, you know it really attracts a woman."

"Sorry, what did you have in mind?"

"Oh I don't know, dinner, late night drinks. Anything that will cheer you up."

He smiled, giving her a cheeky wink as he did so.

"It's a date."

The moment was brought to an immediate end by the sound of the door bell's prominent buzz, causing both of their faces to fall.

Zoë sighed to herself.

"If a Jehovah's Witness has stopped me from getting a snog, I shan't be happy."

He rubbed her back as he got to his feet.

"I'll send 'em packing."

"Don't be long."

Quickly he rushed over to the door, in hopes if getting rid of the caller as soon as he possibly could. It would've seemed Zoë's prediction was way off as in front of Jeff stood Dawn with the dog in tow.

"Dawn? Uh hi."

"Hey Jeff, I'm sorry to bother you but the dog is playing havoc with my allergies and I just can't keep him in the house for much longer."

He looked confused.

"And why couldn't Dixie have brought him?

"I haven't seen her since we..."

He prompted her, pushing for more information.

"Since you?"

"Haven't you heard?"

He merely shook his head.

She nervously chewed her bottom lip, lowering her tone to one barely above a whisper.

"She ended it."

For a moment he was stunned, he had always pictured that he would be gleeful if they split up however looking at her now he felt a large amount of sympathy towards her.

"Oh princess, I'm so sorry."

She painted on an unconvincing smile.

"Just so you know, she loves you it may not be in the way you hoped but at the end of the day you were always going to come first."

"Listen Dawn I..."

She raised her hand to signal him to stop.

"Little Abs is missing his master."

Reaching out he took the lead from her, briefly brushing her fingers in the process.

"You're a good woman Dawn. Just be happy, yeah?"

She blinked a few times in an effort to prevent the tears from escaping.

"You too, Jeff, you too."


	34. Chapter 34

A telephone conversation almost every hour off his father was not something John desired.

"John? I said can I trust you?"

John held the phone closer to his ear, giving the dog a pat.

"Trust me on what?"

"Can I trust you not to do anything stupid whilst I'm at work?"

He sighed to himself.

"Yes you can trust me not to sneak out, track down a dealer and..."

"John! That's enough."

"Anyway how can I trust you not to do something stupid whilst at work?"

It was clear to hear even down the other end of the telephone, that his father was starting to get exasperated with him.

"What would I do stupid?"

"Well you've gotten yourself a date with one of the most gorgeous women you could ever wish to meet and then you find out your wife had broken up with her girlfriend."

"Your point is?"

"My point is, don't think I didn't see those cogs turning in your head."

"You were in a world of your own."

"Well that must have meant you were making it really obvious. Trust me dad, a bloke like you won't ever get asked out by a woman like Zoë again."

"Cheers John, you're a charmer."

"Yeap that's me all over. Now back to the ambulance Mr Paramedic."

He could hear doubt in his father's voice.

"Just have a day in front of the telly and rest. Yeah?"

"Of course, it's back to back Jeremy Kyle and repeats of Desperate Housewives for me today."

"Whatever floats you boat son, whatever floats your boat."

"Exactly, now you get back to work and just relax because I'm staying put."

"I'm warning you now John if you so much as..."

He quickly cut him off mid sentence.

"Bye dad, speak soon."

He left his father with no time to respond as he promptly pressed the end call button before slipping it back into his pocket. Now John didn't usually class himself as a paranoid person however he was pretty sure that Little Abs was looking at him in a suspicious manner.

"C'mon mate it was only a little fib, It's not as if I'm here to score."

John tightened his grip on the lead as he took in the surroundings. It had been a while since he had been on the estate, not since the day his father found out his secret. He looked down at the dog once more.

"She's gotta be here, she just has to be."

He looked to the carefree golden retriever in hopes of reassurance.

"Right?"

The only response Little Abs could offer was an eager look in his puppy eyes and a wag of the tail.

"Yeah, you're right. How would you know?"

Slowly he began his way towards the grim looking building, pulling little Abs along with him. Taking in the surroundings it was fair to say nothing had changed since he was last there. The buildings were still soulless and grim, the streets were still as littered as always and the people were all just as miserable threatening.

"I should warn you to watch your paws, this place is full of broken glass and dirty needles."

The flight of stairs he had to climb seemed even more tiring than what they were before. Each one creaking with each step her took, almost as if they were going to give at any moment.

After the tiresome climb was completed he found himself outside of the door of his destination. He stared at it for a few seconds taking, in the details. It was battered with all the original paintwork chipped off which was replaced by graffiti.

This place was no home. Even the description squat would have seemed to good for it. To him it was a dark pit where various drug addicts and runaways would take refuge together.

He knew from experience that the door being shut wasn't an obstacle to getting in, due to all the people coming and going it was never locked.

Nervously he pushed it open and all too easily it was open and once more he was greeted with the familiar smell of alcohol and smoke.

He looked down the corridor, she was in here somewhere and he was going to find her. Steadying his nerves he called out to her.

"Rachel?"

_**30 minutes later.**_

_He couldn't help but feel a strange sense of deja vu, once more he was sat on a filthy mattress with his sleeves rolled up and a syringe in the opposite hand._

_As he stared it, all the old feelings of excitement and euphoria came rushing back to him. When he had left the house that day, his soul intention was to find Rachel. Yet now as he stared at the object in his hand he couldn't help but understand his father's complete lack of trust in him._

_He had once been a carefree child where his only weakness was comic books and football. He couldn't help but wonder now why this drug he craved so much had taken over his life._

_There was something about it that made him lose his morals and disregard the feelings of others._

_He could remember when he was at school he had studied the tale of Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde, a tale of good and evil, of the respectable Doctor Jekyll who had a dark side known as Mr Hyde. Never before in those lessons had that tale made as much sense it did now._

_He could see that he too had a Mr Hyde within him and every time he satisfied his cravings, he would release him once more._

"I was slowly losing hold of my original and better self, and becoming slowly incorporated with my second and worse."

Quoted from Jekyll and Hyde by Stevenson Robert Louis.


	35. Chapter 35

The flat seemed quiet. Too quiet.

John could always remember that there was never any peace in that place, just a relentless noise made up of screams, arguments or meaningless music. Sometimes it would be enough to drive him mad and on other occasions it would merely be background noise that he was too distant to hear.

People came and went all the time ,however the place seemed to be completely empty.

He paused for a moment and took in his surroundings, it amazed him how quickly he had adapted to this lifestyle. His parents had always had well paid jobs and he had never had to go without when he lived at home. Before he ran away, he had had lived in a safe environment where the heating was always on, his clothes was always clean and food was always on the table.

Back then everything was taken care of for him, it was only now in the year since he had left home that he had discovered what it really meant to have to fight for survival.

He had had to put up with the fact that some days he would simply go without eating.

He had had to endure the freezing cold conditions on the nights he had slept rough.

He had learned that people do shameful things if they are in desperate need of money.

He had to learn how to defend himself when faced with danger.

Yes, when he lived at home, he really didn't have any idea about the hardships he would have to face.

John exhaled loudly and slowly lowered himself down onto the bottom step. He pulled the dog in closer, gesturing for him to sit.

"Right she's not here."

He reached out and gave Little Abs a light pat on the head.

"But I do know where she is, on some dodgy street corner with some vile man who of course has his hands all over her."

He shuddered. The thought of another man touching her made him feel sick inside.

"I can't hold it against her, I've lived this life. When ya need the cash, you need the cash."

Little Abs cocked his head to the side, looking up at him with curiosity. Although Little Abs couldn't understand him, he was certain something wasn't quite right with John.

"Between you and me, I've done it myself. You see the way it works is, you've just gotta linger for a while and it won't be long before a car pulls up."

He paused, taking a few deep breaths to steady himself.

"And uh yeah, I mean it's pretty awful but the trick is to just think about the money and what it's gonna buy ya. After you buy what you want, you'll be so out of it that you wont even remember your own name, let alone what ya did to get it in the first place."

He looked at the dog.

"Don't ever go down that road mate, I've been there and trust me it's... well let's not get into that."

He leant across and peered down the corridor, the room that he and Rachel once shared was in sight.

He turned his gaze back to Little Abs.

"You know the last time I was here, I held a knife to my step mum and mugged my old man."

John had sunk to many lows in the times since he left home. Although if he thought about it, that incident was the one he felt the most shame for.

Keeping his eyes focused on the bedroom door, he let go of the lead and rose to his feet.

"Stay here. I won't be long."

Walking into that room seemed like an intrusion. He had never considered the weight of his actions when he lived there before, he was illegally squatting but the place was in such a state nobody did anything about it.

He wondered how his dad would react if he could see him there now. This life John had mapped out for himself, had truly taken Jeff by surprise. In his father's head, John was living with his mother and working hard at school. Instead he was living in on the streets and fuelling his drug addiction.

When he was here last, he and Rachel had slept in sleeping bags. Now in their place was a filthy mattress with a hole in it, from where one of the springs had torn through the flimsy material.

Most people would find this repellent however John had once slept in an empty skip, so he had no qualms about sitting on a dirty mattress.

A quick glance around the room proved to him that she was staying there. Hung up on the door was her tatty grey hoodie, on the floor was a pair of her well worn trainers and over on the window sill was a moth eaten jumper that he recognised as his own.

He closed his eyes, he could picture himself here as if he never left. It wasn't a good feeling, yet at the same time it wasn't the worst one in the world.

He pulled up his sleeve and studied his arm. The track marks were starting to fade yet they were still undeniably there.

He leaned over and felt around until he found the loose floor board. Rachel always used to hide everything that would be deemed as illegal underneath there. John was unsure of why the sudden urge to do this had hit him, but the pull was too strong to fight.

Adrenaline pumped through him when he eventually found what he was looking for. Slowly and steadily he prepared for what he was about to do, it had been a few weeks since he had done and the desire had amplified.

He couldn't help but feel a strange sense of deja vu, once more he was sat on a filthy mattress with his sleeves rolled up and a syringe in the opposite hand.

As he stared at it, all the old feelings of excitement and euphoria came rushing back to him. When he had left the house that day, his soul intention was to find Rachel. Yet now as he stared at the object in his hand he couldn't help but understand his father's complete lack of trust in him.

"Are you here to see me or are you just going to shoot up and leave?" Came a familiar voice from behind him.

In an instance the tight and desperate grip he had on it was freed, as he allowed it drop to the floor.

He sprung to his feet, a look of shock and embarrassment across his face.

"I've been trying, I overdosed and I wasn't going to take anymore."

She shook her head and narrowed her eyes at him.

"How stupid can you get? I warned you not to take too much and what do you go and do?"

"I wasn't here for that, I don't give a monkeys about that stuff!"

She walked passed him and bent down to retrieve what he had dropped.

"Well from what I just walked in on, you seem to give a lot of monkeys."

He looked her up and down a few times, she was wearing denim shorts,a tight fitted vest top and high heeled shoes.

"Well how about you? Just remember that I know what you dressing like that means."

"What's the view like up there on your high horse? You move in with daddy, then all of a sudden you're above all this."

"Don't act so hard done by, I've done it too ya know"

Carefully she placed the syringe down on the window sill before sinking down onto a chair in the corner of the room.

She looked up at him, lowering her tone.

"I know you have."

"I was a homeless drug addict. I was pretty low as it was, if you think about it, I didn't have far to fall from."

She got to her feet, taking a few cautious steps towards him.

"I go out and they don't care about me, they pay me, get what they want and move on."

John nodded, pondering over his own experiences.

"And no matter how hard you scrub, there is no washing away the reminders."

"After I did it, it was so hard to look you in the eye. You knew what I had done and I couldn't take it."

"For me, looking in the mirror was bad enough."

Once more she took another step towards him, leaving them close enough to reach out to one another.

"Why'd you come back for me John?"

He backed away from her and flung himself down on the mattress. He pulled at the laces of his shoes and kicked them off.

"Do you even need to ask?"

"I'm just saying you were..." She trailed off upon noticing him loosen his belt and pull off his trousers. "Didn't your mother ever tell you that it's rude to strip right in the middle of a conversation?"

"Ah c'mon, I'm trying to be romantic here."

Within a few seconds, all of what he was once wearing was now a heap on the floor.

"Do you have some point to make, or is this a habit of yours now?"

"I'm starkers, of course I'm making a point."

She placed her hand over mouth in attempts to suppress the desperate urge to laugh.

"Seriously Rach? You've seen me naked before it can't be that funny."

"Go on then, what's the point you're making?"

"You just told me that they pay you, do what they want with you then walk away."

"And you could find no words to express your feelings, so you had to take your clothes off?"

He shifted over on the mattress and patted the space next to him.

"How about you put cash and drugs aside and do it with someone who loves with you and will be here no matter what?"

She looked over at him, a smile slowly gracing her features.

"You always know how to make things better don't you?"

"I'm glad you think so, but do I put my clothes back on or not? Because it's bloody freezing over here."

She laughed kicking off her shoes and diving in next to him, wrapping her legs around his and interlacing their fingers together.

"Keep 'em off."


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: Thank you to sarahloulabellx for this chapter, we have both been looking for fresh inspiration with out chapters, so we were keen to help each other out.**

Things were finally beginning to look up for John.

He had now been drug free since his overdose and was beginning to notice just how little he thought about drugs.

Now the one thing constantly on his mind was Rachel.

She had agreed to get clean and John knew the one person who could help was his father. At first to say Jeff was fuming about his little adventure was probably the understatement of the century, however once they had explained they needed his help, he soon accepted his son's actions and even got her a place on the drug free programme in the hospital which John visited every day.

He knew all the symptoms and every emotion to do with withdrawal. That's why when she shouted or cried and even got violent he didn't cut his visit short, didn't excuse himself. No, he stayed there sitting by her bedside proud of his girl.

"Why do you keep coming back after everything I've done to you?" She cried, after a rather violent outburst one day.

He couldn't help but smile.

"Someone once told me about this guy Robert Fulham. He said something which I suppose has stuck with me for a long time now. We're all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love. True love"

At first she had stared at him confused before cracking into a smile

"Are you calling me weird John?"

She had thanked him for saving her before he had left and now he found himself feeling guilty. She had thanked him, but had he ever thanked anyone that had saved him?

John considered this before realising what he needed to do.

Letting the lift doors close behind him, he knew which floor he needed and waited until he arrived there.

As the doors opened to the hustle and bustle of the ED department, John took a breath. He never had enjoyed crowded spaces. Even when he was roaming the streets he always avoided doorways and squats with lots of people in, but this was something he had to tackle he needed to do something to thank those that had saved him.

He noticed Zoë coming in from her fag break the moment he entered the staffroom.

"Hey Zoë."

"John?"

"Yeah listen do you have a couple of seconds?"

The last time Zoe and John had met he had been pretty out of it.

"Erm yeah. How are you feeling?"

He took a seat on a nearby seat.

"Getting there, but I came to talk about dad not me."

"Oh what's up?" She asked confused at the young man's cryptic response.

"He likes you, and you like him, so I think it's time everyone stopped worrying about me and did something for themselves."

"What are you trying to say John?"

She noticed he was finally looking at her, before it would be around or even through her, like all their previous conversations.

"Take him out ,like you planned."

He hadn't planned to play matchmaker when he woke up that morning yet it felt right like he was doing something that needed to be done.

She laughed.

"Surly your dad should be the one asking me out?"

"Yeah you and I both know he needs someone to take the leap first, so they can catch him when he lands at the bottom."

"That much is true."

"So it's a date?"

"Tell the old man to be ready for seven."

John flashed the older women the signature Collier smile and left the room.

Dixie once loved her job. Even after the accident with Sammy Malone,she had learned to love it all over again ,but now work was a chore and she really hated chores.

She hated the new rota and she wasn't the only one.

Splitting herself and Jeff up meant another partnership had to be split and then when Greg turned up she hadn't had chance to help solve the rota issue's.

This was where she found herself now although her shift ended almost two hours ago she didn't feel like going back to her new flat, where the only thing that waited for her was a cheap TV and some trashy magazine if she stopped at the shop.

"I think it's coffee time."

She would often announce things to herself, the silence was really starting to get to her before everything Jeff would stay with her late into the night if she had paperwork to do and keep her company. Before the chatter would slowly annoy her but now she would do anything to make some form of noise.

She hadn't seen Jeff for weeks and now she really was starting to miss him.

Wandering her way through the ambulance bay she realised there was no one there and the emptiness was starting to freak her out so she took the decision to go to the hospital canteen for Coffee, at least then she could enjoy some of the noise and normality of the ED.

Walking towards the staff room she heard a pair of familiar voices she was going to walk in and talk to the pair but when she heard the end of their conversation she stopped.

Had she really just heard what she thought she had?

Zoë and Jeff on a date?

It wasn't what she had just learned that shocked her; it was more how she felt about it that left her shocked.

Quickly turning on her heel she left the way she had just come trying to make sense of her feelings.

Dixie found herself sitting behind the wheel of her battered old car staring off into the distance. Her mind was a jumble of emotions but two stood out clearly she felt happy, pleased that Jeff was finally moving on and hopefully about to find happiness.

But at the same time she felt lonely. Soon the one person that knew her better than anyone else, was going to be with someone else and although her deserved it she needed to know she was not alone.

Before she knew it she was parked up staring at the place she once called home, now it no longer felt like her home this was just a house.

A knock on the door awoke Jeff who had fallen asleep whilst watching Tv.

"If John's forgot his key again, I'm going to attach it to the kid. Permanently."

Dixie nervously bounced on her feet. She never thought she would be nervous going to see Jeff but look at her now. She could so easily turn around and drive off, she was using all her will power to face her ex best friend.

Slowly the door opened up to reveal a surprised looking Jeff and very excited Little Abs.

"Dixie, what are you doing here?"

"Jeff, I'm here to help."

"Help me? How?"

He was now nervously looking anywhere but at the women in front of him.

'Get ready for your date. I know how hopeless you are when It comes to women.'

She tried to joke but it felt wrong, things were never going to be as they once were.

"Yeah I noticed, you better come in."

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	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: This chapter is for my loyal readers; Sarahloulabellx, BeethovenRIP and Sinceslicedbread. **

Jeff looked at himself in the mirror. The light blue jumper and the dark jeans made him look him casual as not too come as across too desperate yet when worn with an expensive white shirt underneath, they were still smart enough to look like he had made an effort for his upcoming date. Well that's what Dixie had said anyway and Jeff had learned that when it came to discussions with his wife, she always had to win.

He couldn't help but think this situation would be somewhat amusing if it wasn't his. After all how many men could say that their lesbian wife was helping them prepare for a date with another woman?

He turned around to face her.

"You don't think I'm punching above my weight here, do ya?"

"It's not all about looks you know."

"I take it all back, maybe you should've been with Dawn after all."

She furrowed her eyebrows together, her mouth forming into a confused half smile.

"You what?"

"Well since when have you had tact?"

She got to her feet and pulled down the collar of his undershirt.

"I don't think mockery and piss taking is really us at the moment."

"It's been a while since we've seen each other."

A short silence lingered in the air, it must have only been a few seconds yet to them it seemed to drag on for a life time.

"You know how it is I was in hospital and John had ... well you know."

"I would've come to visit you. You know I would've ,it was just..."

She silently nodded her head, placing a reassuring hand on his arm.

"It was only a bit of smoke inhalation, I'm sure Gregory had reason for concern at the time but honestly it was nothing."

"I had to be there for John, he was so vulnerable and I couldn't think about anything else."

"Jeff, I'm so sorry that you have to go thorough this."

He chewed his bottom lip, taking a few deep breaths to compose himself.

"He's my little boy Dix, what father deserves to see their kid go through all that?"

She swallowed back the lump that had formed in the back of her throat and instinctively took hold of one of his hands.

"Ay c'mon now. For what it's worth, you not thinking about me is probably not such a bad thing."

He relaxed into laugh, letting go of the tension in his stiff shoulders.

"I guess I am a bit old for the hormonal teenage crush."

Many people would question his choice of words, to many reducing the extent of his feelings to a school boy crush would seem belittling. To Jeff it made perfect sense, the only way he could move on was to acknowledge that it wouldn't ever happen and not make a huge deal out of it. If he did the opposite, he knew he would surely go mad.

"Well Jeffrey if that was a teenage crush then love must really hurt."

Neither were willing to go into details, they had never been about deep emotions and they weren't going to start bearing their souls now.

"Who knew you were that profound?"

She jokingly gave him a playful punch on the arm.

"Ay, I'm full of meaning and don't you forget it."

He made the saluting gesture with his hand."

"Yes sergeant."

She paused for a moment to think, the serious look upon her face amused her husband.

"Zoë is a classy girl , you can't expect her to happy with a game of darts and a packet of pork scratchings down the Nag's head."

"I lent you fifty pence for the juke box, you were perfectly happy."

"How about that new bistro just opened on the high street?"

He wrinkled his nose up.

"It's a bit ponsey don't you think?"

"Seriously Jeffrey, do you like Zoë at all?

"I fancy her, that much is true." He laughed trying to make light of the situation.

"Quit playing silly beggars and answer my question."

He considered her words for a while, he had never given too much thought to it. Ever since they spent that night together and since that kiss in the staff room he had been too wrapped up in his wife to even consider her as a possible love interest.

"I think that maybe... I could."

"Then give it a chance. If you do anything tonight, give it a chance."

He nodded.

"Anything for you princess."

"Not for me. Do it for you."

Jeff was left with no chance to respond. He was glad; there honestly was nothing that immediately sprang to mind."

"Its five to seven, I'm slipping out the back door."

"And then what?"

"Then you are off out with Zoë and I'm meeting Greg down the pub."

"You and me both know that I'm thinking more long term than that."

"Zoë will be here soon, take this opportunity and don't waste it."

She wasn't going to let him argue instead she continued walking until she was at the back door. Placing her hand on the handle she was quick in opening it, if she hesitated she would be tempted to go back to him and that would be selfish.

She closed the door behind her and made walked away from the house. Whatever made him happy was good enough for her.

She couldn't give him what would make him happiest but she was done with hurting him now.


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: I start sixth form on Monday so I'm going to wrap this story up with this story, thanks for all of your support.**

Greg threw down his pool stick to signal defeat, he had played three games with Dixie and she had beaten him every time.

"Right that's it. It's twenty minutes until last orders and I'm not going to win."

"Maybe next time you should consider drinking less, it will improve your coordination."

He picked up his glass and finished off what was left of it.

"Or maybe you should try and keep up with me."

"Oh Gregory, I could drink you under the table and you know it."

"Says the woman who has been in this pub for the past five hours and has only drunk half a pint of lager and a vodka shot."

He was right she had been avoiding the alcohol. She had been tempted to drown her worries however she had chosen to keep a clearer head, whether it was out of maturity or from the benefit of experience she did not know.

"You owe me a fiver for losing at the snooker, who's laughing now?"

He thumbed around in his pocket whilst mumbling some incomprehensible phrases.

"Here's your bloody fiver."

She looked at the ten pound note and smirked.

"Your number skills have been a little bit clouded too."

"No they haven't."

She placed the money in her pocket and decided that arguing with him would not benefit her in this instance.

"Yes Gregory you're right. You are spot on."

His attention diverted Greg started a drunken waving frenzy at someone behind Dixie.

"Jeffy boy! How'd your date go?"

Dixie turned her head to face him, Greg was indeed right. Jeff really was there.

"Gregory sweetheart, you go order yourself a glass of water whilst me and Jeff go talk in the corner. There's a good lad."

Too drunk to argue with her he stumbled towards the bar and followed her instructions.

She placed a light hand on Jeff's arm and led him to a table where they could have some privacy.

"Is everything alright love?"

"Yeah smashing, had a great night actually."

"So if you don't mind me saying, can I ask what you're doing here?"

He sighed and placed a large brown envelope on the table.

"Like I said, great night; they make one hell of a meal at that place. We had a sirloin steak, medium to well done."

She nodded.

"You always did like it that way."

"The cocktails they made were pretty good too, I had a Mojito and Zoë had three."

"Then what?"

"Well being the gentleman that I am, I of course walked her home."

She couldn't help but laugh. After all that was something he never failed at.

"Right, like the gentleman you are you walked her home."

"And well the mood was right so she invited me in for coffee." He leant in and gave her a cheeky wink "And of course we all know what coffee really means."

She wasn't sure whether this was really a suitable topic of conversation, however in that moment she decided to let it slide for the sake of reclaiming a small piece of the way they once were.

"It's the oldest trick in the book."

He exhaled loudly.

"I could've been in there."

"You mean nothing happened?"

"John was home alone and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't quite shake the niggling doubt that he would do something stupid whilst I was out. So I made up some speech about how I respected her too much to have my way with her on a first date and got home as quick as I could."

"And what was he doing?"

"I got in and he was watching some American sitcom, I think it was Friends."

She gestured to the brown envelope that he had placed down on the table.

"So what was it about this that made you come here?"

Slowly he pulled out the sheets of paper out and passed them over to her.

"You applied for them months ago and they've finally came through."

She couldn't decide upon her reaction when she read them.

"Divorce papers."

"When I was a lad, if anyone had told me that by the age of forty I would've been divorced twice, I never would've believed them."

A look of sadness overcame her features as she placed a comforting hand on his knee.

"Oh Jeff, you're my best friend."

He placed his hand on top of hers and gave it a light squeeze.

"And if that's all I can be, then I'll take it."

"You're the most important person in my life Jeff and I don't want to lose you."

"But you can't love me in the way I want to you too and that's fine because it's who you are Dix and I don't want to be the guy that tries to change who you are."

Keen to keep her composure she offered him a smile of gratitude, in that moment it took every power of restraint she had not to burst into tears and wrap her arms around him.

"So have you already signed?"

He slowly nodded.

"All that's left is for you to sign yours."

Silently she bent down and pulled her bag onto her lap, searching through it until she found a pen.

"For what it's worth, you're the best husband a woman could've had."

He raised an eyebrow in mock surprise.

"I'm sure Lucy would disagree with you there."

"I'm sure we can overlook that just this once."

He forced a smile for her benefit and pointed to where she needed to sign.

"Keep a steady hand and regret nothing."

Without much thought she put pen to paper, the last thing she wanted to do was over think this. If she did, she would surely fall to pieces.

Signing her name as Kathleen Collier for the last time, she placed down the pen and sat back in her seat.

"Who knew signing my own name could be this hard?"

He stacked the paper and sealed it into the envelope before getting to his feet.

"To the bar?"

"To the bar. You're paying."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and in turn she wrapped hers around his waist. In that moment it felt like the weight of awkwardness, bitterness and ill feeling they had been carrying around had been lifted.

"You know how I know things are looking up?"

"Enlighten me."

"John told me earlier that he was craving cheese and onion crisps."

She let out and unrestrained laugh, relaxing into his hold.

"He's not the only one."

He knew in that instant they were going to be ok, she was his best friend and they always had and always would be the A team.

**THE END**


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